Self Preservation

index44I’ve felt lately that I’m always complaining, it even sounds hollow to my ears, that’s the thing with depression it steals your dreams, and gives you nothing else to think about other than how much pain you’re in.

This mood has been creeping up on me for months, even though I’m having positive interactions with my GP and feel I’m going to get the help I need, I’m still stuck in this rut of negativity, from which there is little relief.

The last weeks have been quite busy the restaurant where I work was closed whilst we decorated which was good it kept me focussed, however dealing with the woman who owns it sets off all the negative triggers simply because she believes that depression is something to “get over” despite the many conversations I’ve had with her and others, she views me as that “sick in the head woman” which is pretty disgusting, and with my situation there is not much I can do I need that job, even though I do managed large parts of her business, she uses that aspect of me and tolerates my “disability”

I have to think am I “disabled” the answer would be no, it still drives home the point, that you have to choose carefully about what you discuss, in my attempts to be open it seems to have backfired and I sound like I’m making excuses, which in turn cause me to retreat and internalise my thoughts.

Again I just feel like I’m complaining and in the grand scheme of things my problems are minor compared to others, I loathe this kind of suppressive thinking, it’s the only way I can protect myself from the ill-formed opinions of others, the “siege mentally” is indeed upon me.

Today begins a new phase of sofa surfing and to be frank I don’t know how much longer I can continue with this, as I write my stomach is bubbling away, and anxiety is spiking, the feeling of failure looms large and I cannot let go of the idea that this will be my life forever, even though I desperately want the changes, fear is standing in the way yet again, I’m not strong enough for the fight, I don’t want to fight anymore.

No matter how many times I tell myself to keep going my feet which are taking on the form of cement shoes won’t allow me to take those few steps further to a goal of not only finding a home, but trying to hang on long enough to achieve anything that can add value to my life.

I feel as though I’m in a pit and being poked and prodded at, or like when I walk down the street the is a big finger-pointing atΒ  me saying “here she comes the mental homeless person”

Worse sometimes I believe that I’m that “sick in the head woman” it’s easier, to believe that, than think I have no future.

About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
This entry was posted in Blogs, Depression, Homelessness, Mental Health. Bookmark the permalink.

27 Responses to Self Preservation

  1. JC says:

    Sometimes you just need to get it out and not keep it in. And you need someone to just listen and hold back any judgements because they don’t and can’t know how it is you feel. To me, that’s a part of what blogging is about.

    So keep your post coming and I’ll keep listening and hopefully somewhere in all of this you will see a light.


    Liked by 1 person

  2. dimdaze says:

    This post rings true for many of us. I’m sorry you are suffering through this. I think some people may never understand mental illness. I wonder if it because they simply have no reference point to draw from. Anyway, I’ll leave you with this, you are not a failure. Anyone who is trying is not a failure.


  3. roweeee says:

    Cay, I have tears in my ears reading this and I wish I could hold you and make you a cup of tea in one of my precious bone china cups and just soak up your stories, your heartache and somehow send your pain up into the sky on the wings of a bird.
    I was in Sydney city on Monday with my daughter after her audition. We have a magazine called The Big Issue which is sold by homeless people to get a bit of income and hopefully act as a stepping stone to getting back on their feet. Here’s a link:
    Anyway, the people selling the magazines are called Vendors and they each have their spot or corner and I usually always stop and buy the mag and have a chat. Hear their story. I feel this vendor arrangement has really helped to build connections with homeless people and reduce stigma, break down barriers.
    I met Tim, who I will be posting about and he sleeps mainly in Hyde Park and has his dog Nugget. Having the dog gives his life meaning and he has a family but it makes finding accommodation very difficult. The dog was wearing a jumper which was donated by a group who helps dogs living in parks during Winter. That really touched my heart.
    Take care and hang in there. xx Ro

    Liked by 1 person

    • We have the Big Issue here, I do work, though don’t earn a great deal.

      I just feel that life is crushing me at present, which makes it hard to find any positives, my health is suffering, abd I need something to change, but have little inclination to try sadly.

      The double whammy of homelessness and depression, I don’t know which way to turn it’s like all my resources have drained away, this what people people without basic empathy don’t understand, and why they continue to believe your at fault and not trying hard enough

      Thank you for your kindness and understanding it helps a lot.

      Liked by 1 person

      • roweeee says:

        Cay, I can relate to what you’re talking about when so many areas in your life are under attack. With so many fires to put out, it’s understandable to feel overwhelmed and that the situation is hopeless. This is not an illusion or looking on the dark side. Sometimes, things get incredibly difficult and it’s not the product of our imagination or depression. I was in a really bad place a few years back when I first found out about the fibrosis in my lungs and it thought I could die within a year, leaving my kids without their Mum. They were only 7 and 5 at the time and my daughter still held onto my leg. I had to wait over the Christmas break to see the lung specialist and it was something like a 3-6 week wait where I sank into such a deep hole. I stayed in bed and merged with the sheets like I was already dead. The ache in my soul ached like a knife. The news from the specialist was pretty good but even still, I was struggling to get back on my feet. I didn’t just bounce back. I’d been hit by such a huge blow that I couldn’t just bounce back.
        We went to stay with my husband’s sister. Her husband worked as a baby health nurse for 30 years and worked a lot with women with post-natal depression. He shared with me what he discussed with them. To find something they could change in their lives and start there. I decided to change thew loungeroom curtains, get a bathroom vanity and walk the kids to school. The first two involved my husband and the last one still hasn’t happened but what I did find during that year, that things started to change based on what he’d said, because it empowered me. Even it you only change your direction 10 degrees, if you keep walking, you end up somewhere a fair distance from where you would have been.
        That year, I ended up taking up the violin, lost 10 kilos anbd this all culminated with me skiing down Perisher 18 months later, despite my ill health and disability…something I never thought was possible. However, just to spoil a good story, while I was still even at the snow, I picked up a chest infection and that developed into pneumonia. My auto-immune disease flared up and the fibrosis in my lungs was active and so I went through 7 sessions of chemo. I am doing well since then, although I broke my foot at Christmas time and am just recovering from another chest infection but then I had my daughter’s audition for the Sound of Music to get to and I had to fight to get well. I still feel quite melancholy and I struggle to understand all these highs and lows in my life. There’s not a lot of consistency.
        The conclusion I’ve reached after all of this is that despite what all those motivational people say about being about to do anything you set your mind to. that life is full of ups and downs and that relationships and community are what gets us through. I also have my faith.
        You also need to have faith in yourself. That you can pull yourself through this and find your inner strength. You are already a survivor so you must be doing quite a lot right. It’s tough going but you haven’t given up. Hang in there! I’m thinking of you!
        By the way, I’ve written my post about Tim, a vendor for the Big Issue in Sydney and his dog, Nugget. I’d be interested in your feedback and anything you’d like to add.
        Take care my friend Love & blessings, Ro


      • Ro, thank you so much for this insightful and inspiribg comment.

        Having lost faith and confidence in myself, I’ve lost the ability to cope, and in some ways I feel that it’s just for losing control of my life, something that happened to other people.

        I’m a whirling dervish, no matter what I try to change I’m still standing on the same spot.

        I’ll keep trying, simply what else can I do, even though it seems pointless.

        You give me a great deal of hope as you have come through the otherside,coupled with a supportive family which keeps you very much in the present, your progess despite your diagnoses, you have found a way forward, I need to find a new path to give me the tools to make the changes necessary.

        I have read your post on Tim, I will comment soon, it was a great piece, snd thank you for showing compassion towards those that are homeless.

        Cay xx

        Liked by 1 person

      • roweeee says:

        You’re welcome, Cay. I don’t think I mentioned to you that I used to be on the Status of Women Committee at Gosford Council, our local council and one of the other community representatives works for a locqal organisation called Coast Shelter. Before that, I had no idea that there were any homeless people sleeping rough around here. I don’t really go out much at night so there’s a world world out there which I never see. She really opened my eyes. Shje also talks about how easy it is for anyone to end up homeless. I think she says we are all only 4 pay slips away from living on the streets, which is pretty scary. We all like to feel we are invincible but we’re not.
        Keep trying my friend. I found this check list which I found particularly helpful:
        Myabe, thinki about what you enjoy and some way you can do that with a group. Say join a book club. Borrow someone’s dog and go walking. Do you have a camera? Could you post photos on your blog? My writing really fuels my fire. You just need to find a match and start a spark, no matter how small, and that can be the catalyst for change. The other thing that I was told was to keep breathing. Deep breathing. That helps give you a clearer head. Take care my friend. You are not alone! Love & blessings, Ro


  4. Sorry you are having to deal with such inappropriate comments from your boss. Where about in the UK do you live? You don’t need to say specifics. Just wondered if you live near to me to see if I could help you out at all x

    Liked by 1 person

  5. breakdownchick says:

    Processing your thoughts and being aware that depression is trying to get the best of you, puts you ahead of the game. Just take those “cement shoes” and keep walking, one baby step at a time,,,,hang in there,,,and don’t give up! Big hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

    • The shoes are heavy and the feet tired I need to rest awhile to find some clarity about what to do next.

      I’m over processing, necessary but not productive, but will keep trying.

      Thank you for your encouragement πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Cat says:

    I don’t think you’re complaining, but merely off loading and even then, that’s not much. I would be much worse. After so long, I imagine you need to start seeing change and just hearing about the prospect isn’t enough.

    You’re boss is just ignorant. In general, speaking out can bring about change, but there are some who are just stuck in their narrow minded ways. Maybe it’s convenient for her to think of you in this way. Perhaps your openness and reliability might change her mind in time

    Sometimes when we’re reaching the end and can go no further, something materialises and I really do hope this is the case for you. Is there any reason why this GP hasn’t made any housing referrals before winter sets in? Can you slightly and politely prod her, explain how you can’t get through winter like this. Surely, on the grounds of health, a GP should be able to get you help. It’s so frustrating to read , so I can appreciate how soul-destroying it must be to experience.


    • I keep thinking something will happen soon, but think it will literally take a miracle.

      My GP has been pretty good but it’s a process(will blog about that later).

      As for my boss ignorance barely covers it, she is unaware of the damage her words cause, because I need to be employed I bite my tongue, and I do bring a lot of value which she does recognise.

      I hate being in a position where I always have to be grateful, but until things change externally, I have to keep quiet, thefore luve with the feeling that my head is about to explode.

      Thanks as always for your insightful comment xx

      Liked by 1 person

  7. M_McKeen says:

    Sorry to hear you’ve been struggling. There’s nothing worse than feeling unappreciated at work when you put so much effort in to it, I hope this changes soon! As you can see, your writing comforts and encourages fellow sufferers to speak out. Thank you!! Eventually we will conquer this stigma! Take care

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Gale Wright says:

    I do think of myself as “disabled”. It’s not something I say to people and I have not even considered trying to be officially disabled, for the income, because it is almost impossible to accomplish and I have never documented my struggles with workplace harassment, etc. or kept up doctor visits, etc.
    The reason I think of myself as “disabled” is because it reminds me that this is not my fault because it is part of how I am made and it explains so well why I have had so much trouble in areas of life that seem so easy or less burdensome for others who do not have mental illness. It also reminds me that I have to be vigilant about basic things like–have I gotten enough sleep, have I eaten, have I drank water, what is my gut telling me about interactions with others and on and on. That word gives me some kind of structure or base to operate from.
    That’s just how I have chosen to look at my life these days.
    I think you are handling your situation far better than anyone should expect. Others in your shoes would not handle it nearly as well. That could be one reason why people are not helping you enough. Usually people will help during desperate crisis times. It’s so exciting and they can be heroes! The thing is, desperation is dangerous and you know that and are wisely keeping yourself above that level. For the long term solution you need, the efforts will be slow and difficult and it feels horrible. But you will look back on this someday from a better situation.


    • I understand your reasoning of the term disabled I hadn’t thought of it that way, again that shows you the power of words.

      I also understand that compared to others I hide my desperation, because I’m ashamed and want to keep the facade of normalcy,in some ways I’ve been too nice, if that makes sense, thinking that if I explain myself soneone will see through the mask and help me, I got that wrong and am trying a different approach which seems to work for others.

      I have noted that others will help the desperate, for the ‘look at me’ factor, often they are no help at all and can set you back.

      I’m grinding slowly through this process, and hope my mental state, and health will see me over the final hurdle.

      Thanks for your encouragement you always give me a different perspective. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      • Gale Wright says:

        Yes, I have always been an explainer–maybe because I function better myself when I understand the why of things. But explaining has failed me as well. Even if people do understand the why, they often don’t really care enough to change the way they deal with you. Maybe they are just lazy.


      • It’s almost a compulsion for me to explain everthing, perhaps it’s time for me ti change, someone might listen!

        Liked by 1 person

  9. nemyawaiting says:

    😞 {πŸ’“}

    Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.