I Am Me


 

 

 

 

 

 

Someday’s when the tears fall I’m left feeling bereft, grieving for the person that I was, unable to bridge the gap between who I am now.

The grief really begins with, the idea that I’ve always seemed to a be a woman of all seasons a chameleon if you will, I seemingly have the ability to be whomever anyone wants me to be when really I want to be just me.

A conversation I had last week brought home that others seem to put me in a box, I might add I jumped into happily,  in which I felt trapped and any thoughts of escape are met with a skepticism that I wouldn’t survive outside of this perception.

I work with such a person, who is actually strong willed, basically good very deep down, though has this tendance to be “Honest” in her quest to be “honest” she is actually very hurtful, brutally so, and lacks the self-awareness of how her honest words can hurt.

I’ve seen in others the pain of her self-proclaimed expertise on every subject under the sun, she speaks loudly at you and over you, a bully if  truth be told, it appears that because I won’t bend to her will, I become a target from time to time which of course brings back deep-seated anxieties to the fore.

You see, she realises that I see through her, which makes her angry, I can deal with that, but cannot allow her to diminish the progress I’ve made over the last year, she is unaware of my story and the journey I’ve undertaken to become whole, frankly she lacks the empathy to understand that people break for many reasons, other that indulgence.

This really isn’t about her, it’s about me and how I deal with the ups and downs of everyday life, which many of you know can be a challenge, my moods are going in a downward spiral and I’m fighting hard with what I’ve learned to reverse the trend as it were, though sometimes I just feel so lonely and wonder if it’s all worth the effort.

This has been a bit rambling, I’m at cross roads yet again, “I just want to be me” with all my flaws, they’re mine I earned them, just as I have every wrinkle, grey hair, they prove that I’ve lived and overcome, for so long I lived with the idea that being perfect was everything and regularly went 15 rounds with myself on a daily basis when it wasn’t I have the scars to prove it! my imperfections are perfect!

I don’t want to be anyone else, just me, it’s enough.

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Chasing Rainbows


Sometimes I feel like Dorothy wearing ruby-red slippers click my heels 3 times and all will be alright in the end.

Clearly, that is a fantasy one which I try to hold onto as I still struggle daily, with feelings of inadequacy about everything .

I’ve realised even after months of therapy I probably will have to refer back to Mental Health services, my mood keeps fluctuating which sends my anxiety skyrocketing as much as I try to follow the principles of CBT I still can’t quite get there.

On the relationship front we had a bit of a wobble a few weeks ago, a few dates got cancelled at the last-minute, I over reacted not so much with him, it was me thinking about the worst case scenarios as to the why so stupid really, I know stuff happens that is out of our control however, I have these silly rules that I’ve made for myself that everything must be “just so” which shows that I’m still striving for the kind of perfectionism that is destructive.

So to get the first strike in fearing I was going to be hurt, I ended it, the first feeling was one of making a decision and following through followed quickly by realising that perhaps I should have given him a chance, so of course I did nothing, scared of opening up a dialogue which meant to me I was unable to maintain a basic relationship.

This all speaks to my not being able to connect with others in a healthy way, which furthers strengthens my anxieties allowing them to run wild and take over.

After a few weeks we did talk he explained what had been going on with him which wasn’t anything to do with our relationship, however as I explained I had made it clear that I was open and honest and expected the same, though as I said it, the thought hit me, I shouldn’t expect the same level of my perceived perfection in him, in others words just because I’m overly hard on myself I cannot expect others to live up to impossibly high standards.

This appears to be a  small breakthrough, I still expect us to be open and honest. though I don’t have to seek explanations to the nth degree, happily we seem to have turned the corner, he’s coming for dinner tonight, which should be fun.

I still need to work hard to get to grips with my mental health though it seems that the work that I put in doesn’t seem to yield the results I want, I’m so tired of me, compared to a year ago I have many good positive things in my life, but can’t quite grab hold of the idea that my life has moved forward the question being why I aren’t enjoying it as I should.

Fear lurks at the back of mind all the time I have lots of good stuff now, which I seem to push away and to find new things to be scared of, and there are still times that I lock myself away from everybody I know this is not right, every time I step out of my comfort zone an invisible thread pulls me back, the little voice telling me I’ve still got other things to worry about which of courseI do !!!!.

The yellow brick road is a long one, I don’t want to meet the wizard, I just want to meet ME!

Love Cay x

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Controlling Out Of Control…


dealing-with-controlling-bossI’ve had the flu the last few weeks and it’s contributed to my mood being low, because I can’t shake this malaise it appears intrusive thoughts are becoming more present.

Sometimes I feel that I’m never going to get complete control of my life again, it’s like trying to close an over full case no matter how hard you push down something finds a way to escape.

With mindfulness and meditation, its bloody difficult to stay in the moment when other thoughts wish to make their presence felt, of course I have to oblige and think about them to the Nth degree, which for me is disastrous.

Whilst in therapy other ugly behaviours came to the surface, such as hoarding which is a recognised condition, though new to me, I thought I just didn’t care, and didn’t even realise that I was living(before homelessness) in a hovel, however without the complete degredation of rotting food/rubbish etc.

I’ve never been one to harbour a little army under the sink, I was clean but messy, so when I realised a long time afterwards that in fact I was hoarding it came as a bit of a shock, I didn’t remember until I moved here, where I am now a slave to the army under the sink(cleaning materials), now I clean too much obsessively in fact frankly I don’t know how to stop, why does everything with me have to go from one extreme to the other.

The hoarding thing is scary, literally from not washing the dishes one night to almost drowning in stuff, for me it was books, piled high on every surface, it had got to the point where I didn’t sleep in my bedroom, as it was full of clothes and books, I settled on the one spot on the sofa and just pulled up the blanket when I wanted to go to bed.

All those books I read over and over, at night when sleep was a rarity I watched DVD’s until th early hours, then switched back to books, dark days indeed, what I want to say is that I feel that out of control behaviour starting to grip me again only this time it’s the opposite, the only course of action is to keep practising, keep trying to develop new behaviours and habits and believing it will work.

With the new man, it all seems to be going reasonably well although last week I did display some erratic mood swings, but managed to rein myself in, we’ve yet to talk about it, though deep down I feel as though I’m trying to sabotage this new friendship, it’s like he’s starting to get close which on the one hand I enjoy but on the other hand the fear of not being worthy of someone elses affection scares me, again that not connecting thing is making me build a wall inside myself.

I am seeing the man on Saturday, were staying and I’m cooking, which seems to suit us, hopefully my mood with lift a little so I can enjoy the evening.

Cay xx

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Joining The Dots…


spider-19263_640It’s been awhile I know it’s a bit of a cliché whilst blogging was/is my lifeline, I don’t seem to be keeping up very well.

It’s not like I don’t have anything to say, though I feel with all this stuff just buzzing around sometimes it’s best just to let it fizzle out naturally and just accept that not all my thoughts are productive and need to be verbalised on this platform, I’m still not entirely sure that I’m either getting better or suppressing things to later torture myself with.

Having finished therapy in December I’m still feeling a little bit abandoned and trying to implement the changes required.

I’m supposed to be meditating twice a day, which I’m not managing to do, usually in the mornings I can put aside 20-30 minutes, I do find it beneficial when I complete the exercises in mindfulness, however I still cannot connect fully with the whole process, my therapist said it would take a while as it has to become a habit going forward, I think perhaps I’ve not let got of other habits/rituals for me to fully benefit from it.

As with any support group there will be those that fade away, as they feel that your more stable, which is not always the case, I do with some friends feel a huge guilt that they’ve been there for me, which has taken time away from their own lives, I’m assured that is not the case, the feeling does linger though, again it could be another lesson learned that’s it’s ok to accept help and it doesn’t have to be repaid like a debt.

As February is here, thinking back to last year I was recovering from surgery and life was far from settled, homeless and recovering not the best combination, however from that point life has improved beyond recognition, building a new life is overwhelming and humbling at the same time, and making those connections with ebb and flow of everyday life was something that was denied to me for so long in this area I have much to rejoice.

The human spirit is not something to be taken lightly, mine was all but broken though still fragile, it has kept me going, it has allowed me to believe I’m not worthless, even when the dark days still beckon I know the light is there at the end of the tunnel, the trick is not to lose hope in finding it.

I last wrote about a man who I’d met, he was coming to dinner, well that went very well and there have been several dinners since!!

We are still getting to know each other slowly which suits me just fine, however to get it out-of-the-way I did explain that I am a depressive, I have to admit I was waiting for the fast exit, it didn’t happen! and we talked for a long while about the whole subject of mental health, he certainly learned something new, his interest on the subject is genuine, even better it’s not something that colours our sapling relationship.

It’s good to know there are people out there who are willing to listen and learn and not apply the stigma, he doesn’t know about the homelessness yet, that will take a while before I can really discuss that, however he has had his own issues over the last few years, so were both being a little tentative, so who knows where that will lead.

Much love always

Cay xx

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