No Longer Zero

 

Been a while too long in fact, I feel the need to start posting to my blog again and why not it holds the key to past failures that have shaped my life for the last seven years plus the need to bring it all full circle didn’t start today but started at the time when life imploded.

I’m not one for New Years resolutions I often find for me anyway by the end of the first week they seem to be without any real point behind them.

The title of this blog does not read new years new hope blah blah but it really does signify a time in my life when I felt like a big fat zero, hows that for no self worth bit in your face isn’t it…..

It’s true I literally had nothing, taking one last ditch attempt at changing what was changed my life forever, seems dramatic but that’s what happened and began the long process of healing not only the shattered view of myself, the tyranny of depression and the real fear of waking up everyday to face just more of the same.

As I only wrote a couple of posts last year let me give a review as you may know in October 2017 I joined a gym my idea was not just to get fit and lose weight, but a deeper meaning I needed to make those changes to align with what was going on inside, after months of therapy I still felt that was more work to do.

It took a while to really understand that although I had come to terms with many aspects of my mental health, the outside wasn’t matching the lighter on the inside me, if that makes sense, also I wanted to kick start a career again so again more change.

I’m so proud of myself that health and fitness have become a lifestyle although I’m still not where I want to be yet I’m on my way I have a fantastic Personal Trainer who “gets me” and works with my anxiety(yes that aspect is alive and kicking) however my confidence has grown in leaps and bounds as I’ve grown stronger physically.

Being strong was always “my thing” though it only benefitted others now it benefits me, I find that I’m able to say no more and yes to the things that support my well being and that change has been noticed especially by those who beneffited, but were unwilling to support me when needed it no longer makes me unhappy or even worse turn myself inside to help them I can and do let go.

I’ve let go of being unhappy that is not to say I’m beaming from ear to ear 24/7 as well as the plus kilos of fat shifted it has made life lighter and for the first time in many years I think more clearly, I don’t mean to appear evangelical about it all, it just that I can really see the light at the end of a very long tunnel and it looks pretty damn good.

 

The last few week I’ve been ruminating a lot about the past not always the best idea, I realised that I’d built a lot of walls, some may never come down however the bridges I cross exceed that it feels really good.

I have opportunities this year something that I thought had gone forever but through this rumination I feel that there is something tangible that I can grasp and try again at life even if I don’t come full circle I want to try.

Happy New Year Everyone

Cay x

 

 

 

Dealing With Reality

The last 10 years or so haven’t been kind (if you’re a reader of this blog you’ll know why) which brings me to the present day, in recovery from depression although anxiety still has a firm grip, homelessness and all manner of little things which conspired to me falling apart.

Whilst I’ve never been a size zero (who would want that) my weight and appearance have weathered the ups and downs of life, except this time unable to bounce back from this one I find myself fat and unhealthy with a side of menopause just to make it interesting.

I had an hysterectomy back in 2016, and as it was a complete removal of my internal girly bits, this put me in what is called “surgical menopause” the mild hot flushes(flashes) became tsunami of sweat sleepless night mood changes bloating, overeating whilst still in major depression/anxiety, homelessness, my body like my mind just gave up.

Let me deal with the reality here, 75% I would say are symptomatic of my life at that time, the other 25% is simple I eat far too much and move to little, it isn’t something I like to say out loud however the mirror and my clothes tell the state of being only too well.

Last October after walking out on my job finally giving myself permission not to be the scapegoat of other people’s crap also before it took root in my mind leading me back to those dark places I wondered what I was going to do.

Having time on my hands to think unproductive thoughts is never a good thing for, and being limited to the clothes I can wear I took a chance and took a long look in the mirror, as I said dealing with reality once seen it was hard to ignore I needed to get this under control, as luck would have it my local Gym had a special offer going so I signed up.

It took me a week to purchase gym gear and another week to summon up the courage to actually go, they usually give new members an induction which I didn’t sign up for fearing anxiety would overtake me and I’d never return.

The gym is situated in a old building, which mean 6 flights of stairs(only 8 stairs per floor) however after climbing the first 2 I felt I’d had enough of a work out, well I managed to get to the top, and entered.

Quickly stuffing my bag into a locker I headed for the treadmill, to say that my legs protested would be an understatement I did manage a full 30 minutes, and left with tears of pain and relief.

I went back the next day and the next and now go 5 times per week navigating my way around the various machines trying to find what I liked and didn’t, with my membership I get three 30 minute sessions with a personal trainer, who is actually very sweet, when I explained that it was more than just weight loss I wanted to overhaul my approach to better health, he got on board with that and pointed me in the right direction.

In 5 months I’ve lost a dress size and generally feel better and have made some new friends, mostly I enjoy the time spent on myself seeing the changes has been beneficial and I’m slowly filling myself up with good positive stuff which can only serve me better in the long term.

In the last couple of years I’ve learned that it’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help, it’s proved to be successful (no longer homeless therapy surgery) I’ve taken myself this far, and now I need help in achieving my long term goals in terms of health and fitness.

I had no idea how physically weak I’d become, talk about creaking bones and I’m only 53 mostly about how fat I am, so easy to put it all on, but a gargantuan effort is now needed to take it all of, do you know what I’m up for the challenge, if I’m to reconcile a better mindset a roof over my head, physical health must also be a part of the plan.

I start tomorrow with a new trainer who “gets me” we had a long talk last week about different aspects of my health, including mental health which he understood, however to help with my calorie intake he did ask me to keep a food diary, I know honesty is the best policy, however dealing with the reality of my eating habits right there in black and white, well lets say it’s going to be tricky.

Take Care

Cay xx

I am Woman

I’ve been giving a great deal of thought about what this day means, and I do wholeheartedly celebrate all the women that have strived and succeeded in giving women a voice and the same opportunities as our male counterparts to have and enjoy the same choices.

So many lives have changed for the better due to those women who have stood up been counted and delivered across many cultural divides and given us more than a glimpse at women who literally have no choice, who sadly aren’t even second, third, or even fourth class within their own family construct and therefore the wider community of women.

The #me too movement I feel really only addresses women that are successful and powerful in their own way the reality women down the ages can also say #me too even if they didn’t have the understanding that what women have faced and will continue to face, why because even in some society’s right now in 2018 women aren’t important.

This brings my own life into focus especially in the way we are indoctrinated from an early age to be nurturer, to keep the home fires burning as well as holding down jobs contributing to the household, raising children, all to be done without a fuss because that’s your job.

My parents divorced when I was 3, he disappeared from our lives, and my mother was left to cope alone there certainly wasn’t all the different agencies around then to help ease the load, you were left alone to cope.

I’ve been told many times I was brought up by a “Strong Independent Woman” well the reality was she wasn’t, she had been left to cope, and she did sometimes badly that is not a criticism it was the reality of our life after years of struggling and coping there was light at the end of the tunnel, however those years in-between were fraught with their own dangers.

Lets give the men a mention here, I’m not bashing men there are so many good men out there, I’m talking about those who see your vulnerable and take advantage or try to, the husbands of friends who would suddenly appear wanting to do “favours for favours” friendships destroyed because other women didn’t want to believe that their husbands would take advantage.( see the skewed thinking it’s your fault)

Employers who feel that it’s okay to threaten you with your job, because you have family commitments ie a sick child, the general consensus that women are fair game, and for you to complain, would mean ridicule or losing your job, that threat is far reaching, no job means no money, possible loss of home or in the worse case scenario losing your children the daily struggle of being a woman is real.

Sexual harassment is a living breathing thing and yet still women are still facing this and yet still it’s not always taken as seriously as it should be, most work places have a policy about harassment in all it’s forms, however if your going to talk the talk as an employer you have to be prepared to walk the walk it could all to easily be you next time.

I can’t say that every allegation of sexual and or bullying misconduct has merit, though we now live in a different time and we must recognised that not all would be rapists sneak in through an open window, it can happen within marriage whilst your children sleep next door, bullying is a stealthy insidious entity, you may not even fully realise what you’re dealing with until your at it’s epicenter with no idea what to do next.

Anyone who has been bullied knows that feeling of powerlessness also the effect it has on your mental well being even worse those who stand and watch purely because they are scared of the same happening to them.

If women are to be empowered we must stand together, not as a group to rise up against men, but as body to show other women “we support you” to be a little controversial here in my opinion I find that women do not support women, not because they don’t believe it goes back to the way we were taught “ssh don’t rock the boat” women and men should indeed rock the boat, there is no place for this caveman type thinking, why because it continues.

As for myself I thought I was a strong independent woman until life taught me otherwise, I try to stand up and be counted because I’m very stubborn like that, I’ve also learned to choose my battles I lose many, but always wiser for the next time.

I think for me being a woman is a wonderful experience, I’ve been up and down, however I’m always willing to learn, and be part of the dialogue which shows a woman’s worth not only to herself  also to those who don’t have a voice.

Invisible Humans

Crisis UK Homeless Charity video made by the Crisis Choir featuring Annie Lennox

Thinking about life and my continued good fortune in no longer being homeless, I have to spare a thought of those who are and is there a light at the end of the tunnel.

I can sit here and give the statisitics which never really give the full story, which only serves as a reminder of what it is like to be invisible.

In the UK presently homelessness has reached epidemic proportions, you just have to look at the news to see most if not every major city in this country to see that homelessness and destitution has spilled out into every area of public life.

To try to give a glimpse of what your life is worth when you don’t have a roof over your head, in a nutshell, it’s worth as much as the generosity you are given at a moments whim.

No matter your gender your vulnerable, from ridicule to sexual attacks, freezing to death, dying of hunger, murder, imagine that, those are your choices each and every day this is what you have to face.

There are different types of homelessness, you can sofa surf(which  I did for 4 yrs until all options were exhausted and ended up sleeping on a shop floor where I volunteered)) or street homeless neither has a humanising effect on your self worth.

The reports since winter have set in on the street deaths rises each year, which I find to be incomprehensible, this is not the dark ages where there were no resources, we have them however the powers that be do not want to distribute them in a way that can help people make their lives better, we have properties all over the country that stand empty, with investment can be made into homes, it appears thats too easy.

We have hundreds of charities with little or no funding desperately trying to make a difference though they’re not even near the tip of this gigantic gaping hole within our society, I salute these men and women who try to do something within their communities to help, oh yeah local politicians pat them on the back etc, but nothing real that can be measured is done, lip service I think it’s called.

When you sleep on someone’s sofa, it’s ok until they decide you can’t and that can be when you return that night, or in the middle of the night, even worse when the “boyfriend” of your friend tries his luck, which of course its your fault and you have to go.

There are those who offer  a sofa comes with conditions, like doing housework etc which can pretty turn into “if you don’t help” you can’t stay I’ve always been more than willing to “help” but not to be enslaved, there again it goes back to the choices you don’t have.

There will be times when you’re so desperate that you will literally do anything to survive, and to outsider you become the architect of your own downfall, it’s just not that simple even the worst option is the best option when your faced with the devil and the deep blue sea.

Mental Health becomes a moot point, you have disappeared so far into yourself, that you cannot think let alone allow yourself to feel anything, you live moment by moment hoping that cracks won’t show for today anyway.

I will say that 18 months on there is always that fear that this won’t last I try not to give into those feeling however there are days when it consumes me, I think the darkest days are behind me, though I still remember what it feels like to be invisible.