Dealing With Reality

The last 10 years or so haven’t been kind (if you’re a reader of this blog you’ll know why) which brings me to the present day, in recovery from depression although anxiety still has a firm grip, homelessness and all manner of little things which conspired to me falling apart.

Whilst I’ve never been a size zero (who would want that) my weight and appearance have weathered the ups and downs of life, except this time unable to bounce back from this one I find myself fat and unhealthy with a side of menopause just to make it interesting.

I had an hysterectomy back in 2016, and as it was a complete removal of my internal girly bits, this put me in what is called “surgical menopause” the mild hot flushes(flashes) became tsunami of sweat sleepless night mood changes bloating, overeating whilst still in major depression/anxiety, homelessness, my body like my mind just gave up.

Let me deal with the reality here, 75% I would say are symptomatic of my life at that time, the other 25% is simple I eat far too much and move to little, it isn’t something I like to say out loud however the mirror and my clothes tell the state of being only too well.

Last October after walking out on my job finally giving myself permission not to be the scapegoat of other people’s crap also before it took root in my mind leading me back to those dark places I wondered what I was going to do.

Having time on my hands to think unproductive thoughts is never a good thing for, and being limited to the clothes I can wear I took a chance and took a long look in the mirror, as I said dealing with reality once seen it was hard to ignore I needed to get this under control, as luck would have it my local Gym had a special offer going so I signed up.

It took me a week to purchase gym gear and another week to summon up the courage to actually go, they usually give new members an induction which I didn’t sign up for fearing anxiety would overtake me and I’d never return.

The gym is situated in a old building, which mean 6 flights of stairs(only 8 stairs per floor) however after climbing the first 2 I felt I’d had enough of a work out, well I managed to get to the top, and entered.

Quickly stuffing my bag into a locker I headed for the treadmill, to say that my legs protested would be an understatement I did manage a full 30 minutes, and left with tears of pain and relief.

I went back the next day and the next and now go 5 times per week navigating my way around the various machines trying to find what I liked and didn’t, with my membership I get three 30 minute sessions with a personal trainer, who is actually very sweet, when I explained that it was more than just weight loss I wanted to overhaul my approach to better health, he got on board with that and pointed me in the right direction.

In 5 months I’ve lost a dress size and generally feel better and have made some new friends, mostly I enjoy the time spent on myself seeing the changes has been beneficial and I’m slowly filling myself up with good positive stuff which can only serve me better in the long term.

In the last couple of years I’ve learned that it’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help, it’s proved to be successful (no longer homeless therapy surgery) I’ve taken myself this far, and now I need help in achieving my long term goals in terms of health and fitness.

I had no idea how physically weak I’d become, talk about creaking bones and I’m only 53 mostly about how fat I am, so easy to put it all on, but a gargantuan effort is now needed to take it all of, do you know what I’m up for the challenge, if I’m to reconcile a better mindset a roof over my head, physical health must also be a part of the plan.

I start tomorrow with a new trainer who “gets me” we had a long talk last week about different aspects of my health, including mental health which he understood, however to help with my calorie intake he did ask me to keep a food diary, I know honesty is the best policy, however dealing with the reality of my eating habits right there in black and white, well lets say it’s going to be tricky.

Take Care

Cay xx