Clearly, that is a fantasy one which I try to hold onto as I still struggle daily, with feelings of inadequacy about everything .
I’ve realised even after months of therapy I probably will have to refer back to Mental Health services, my mood keeps fluctuating which sends my anxiety skyrocketing as much as I try to follow the principles of CBT I still can’t quite get there.
On the relationship front we had a bit of a wobble a few weeks ago, a few dates got cancelled at the last-minute, I over reacted not so much with him, it was me thinking about the worst case scenarios as to the why so stupid really, I know stuff happens that is out of our control however, I have these silly rules that I’ve made for myself that everything must be “just so” which shows that I’m still striving for the kind of perfectionism that is destructive.
So to get the first strike in fearing I was going to be hurt, I ended it, the first feeling was one of making a decision and following through followed quickly by realising that perhaps I should have given him a chance, so of course I did nothing, scared of opening up a dialogue which meant to me I was unable to maintain a basic relationship.
This all speaks to my not being able to connect with others in a healthy way, which furthers strengthens my anxieties allowing them to run wild and take over.
After a few weeks we did talk he explained what had been going on with him which wasn’t anything to do with our relationship, however as I explained I had made it clear that I was open and honest and expected the same, though as I said it, the thought hit me, I shouldn’t expect the same level of my perceived perfection in him, in others words just because I’m overly hard on myself I cannot expect others to live up to impossibly high standards.
This appears to be a small breakthrough, I still expect us to be open and honest. though I don’t have to seek explanations to the nth degree, happily we seem to have turned the corner, he’s coming for dinner tonight, which should be fun.
I still need to work hard to get to grips with my mental health though it seems that the work that I put in doesn’t seem to yield the results I want, I’m so tired of me, compared to a year ago I have many good positive things in my life, but can’t quite grab hold of the idea that my life has moved forward the question being why I aren’t enjoying it as I should.
Fear lurks at the back of mind all the time I have lots of good stuff now, which I seem to push away and to find new things to be scared of, and there are still times that I lock myself away from everybody I know this is not right, every time I step out of my comfort zone an invisible thread pulls me back, the little voice telling me I’ve still got other things to worry about which of courseI do !!!!.
The yellow brick road is a long one, I don’t want to meet the wizard, I just want to meet ME!
Love Cay x