No Longer Zero



Been a while too long in fact, I feel the need to start posting to my blog again and why not it holds the key to past failures that have shaped my life for the last seven years plus the need to bring it all full circle didn’t start today but started at the time when life imploded.

I’m not one for New Years resolutions I often find for me anyway by the end of the first week they seem to be without any real point behind them.

The title of this blog does not read new years new hope blah blah but it really does signify a time in my life when I felt like a big fat zero, hows that for no self worth bit in your face isn’t it…..

It’s true I literally had nothing, taking one last ditch attempt at changing what was changed my life forever, seems dramatic but that’s what happened and began the long process of healing not only the shattered view of myself, the tyranny of depression and the real fear of waking up everyday to face just more of the same.

As I only wrote a couple of posts last year let me give a review as you may know in October 2017 I joined a gym my idea was not just to get fit and lose weight, but a deeper meaning I needed to make those changes to align with what was going on inside, after months of therapy I still felt that was more work to do.

It took a while to really understand that although I had come to terms with many aspects of my mental health, the outside wasn’t matching the lighter on the inside me, if that makes sense, also I wanted to kick start a career again so again more change.

I’m so proud of myself that health and fitness have become a lifestyle although I’m still not where I want to be yet I’m on my way I have a fantastic Personal Trainer who “gets me” and works with my anxiety(yes that aspect is alive and kicking) however my confidence has grown in leaps and bounds as I’ve grown stronger physically.

Being strong was always “my thing” though it only benefitted others now it benefits me, I find that I’m able to say no more and yes to the things that support my well being and that change has been noticed especially by those who beneffited, but were unwilling to support me when needed it no longer makes me unhappy or even worse turn myself inside to help them I can and do let go.

I’ve let go of being unhappy that is not to say I’m beaming from ear to ear 24/7 as well as the plus kilos of fat shifted it has made life lighter and for the first time in many years I think more clearly, I don’t mean to appear evangelical about it all, it just that I can really see the light at the end of a very long tunnel and it looks pretty damn good.


The last few week I’ve been ruminating a lot about the past not always the best idea, I realised that I’d built a lot of walls, some may never come down however the bridges I cross exceed that it feels really good.

I have opportunities this year something that I thought had gone forever but through this rumination I feel that there is something tangible that I can grasp and try again at life even if I don’t come full circle I want to try.

Happy New Year Everyone

Cay x




About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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2 Responses to No Longer Zero

  1. JC says:

    It is with happy tears that I read your blog post. Even after the inkling of knowing your struggle, I feel like this is what Christmas is for. And I realized it was your love of classic movies that begged me to send you a the first place. I can see these movie characters from long ago on the sidelines routeing you on. And as I join them, I will see you on the air where blogs rule and magic is real and who knows who you will meet… jc.

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