I Am Me

 

 

 

 

 

 

Someday’s when the tears fall I’m left feeling bereft, grieving for the person that I was, unable to bridge the gap between who I am now.

The grief really begins with, the idea that I’ve always seemed to a be a woman of all seasons a chameleon if you will, I seemingly have the ability to be whomever anyone wants me to be when really I want to be just me.

A conversation I had last week brought home that others seem to put me in a box, I might add I jumped into happily,  in which I felt trapped and any thoughts of escape are met with a skepticism that I wouldn’t survive outside of this perception.

I work with such a person, who is actually strong willed, basically good very deep down, though has this tendance to be “Honest” in her quest to be “honest” she is actually very hurtful, brutally so, and lacks the self-awareness of how her honest words can hurt.

I’ve seen in others the pain of her self-proclaimed expertise on every subject under the sun, she speaks loudly at you and over you, a bully if  truth be told, it appears that because I won’t bend to her will, I become a target from time to time which of course brings back deep-seated anxieties to the fore.

You see, she realises that I see through her, which makes her angry, I can deal with that, but cannot allow her to diminish the progress I’ve made over the last year, she is unaware of my story and the journey I’ve undertaken to become whole, frankly she lacks the empathy to understand that people break for many reasons, other that indulgence.

This really isn’t about her, it’s about me and how I deal with the ups and downs of everyday life, which many of you know can be a challenge, my moods are going in a downward spiral and I’m fighting hard with what I’ve learned to reverse the trend as it were, though sometimes I just feel so lonely and wonder if it’s all worth the effort.

This has been a bit rambling, I’m at cross roads yet again, “I just want to be me” with all my flaws, they’re mine I earned them, just as I have every wrinkle, grey hair, they prove that I’ve lived and overcome, for so long I lived with the idea that being perfect was everything and regularly went 15 rounds with myself on a daily basis when it wasn’t I have the scars to prove it! my imperfections are perfect!

I don’t want to be anyone else, just me, it’s enough.

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About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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3 Responses to I Am Me

  1. JC says:

    It’s the only way to live…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. ahuelon says:

    I have always thought I was the most boring when I was trying to be perfect. There is something refreshing about being imperfedt. You are growing and learning and not stiff but flexable. I had a fabulious teacher years ago who taught a hypnotherapy course. He was convinced that a good hypnotheripist helped break through the hypnotic trances people were in. So he taught us how to un hypnotize clients, to break up and wash away the bs they had been programed to believe. One day he asked us to go home that night and stand in front of a mirror, naked and say “I love you many times”. He said it didn’t matter if we even believed it or not, just to keep doing. He said repettition was a form of hypnototism so why not hypnotize ourselfs with good thoughts as a way to help us love ourselves unconditionally. Self talk is a teriffic tool as well. When you do something wrong or silly say “That wasn’t like you at all” to yourself. As for the toxic person you spoke of what things do you think you can do to put up boundries? It is sometimes more complicated in the work force, especially if she is your boss or supervisor. Lets talk and maybe together we can figure out things that will help you combat her negativity. Hugs to you and give your self even if you don’t think you deservit. Have you ever heard the saying that kids need love the most when they least deserve. Hummmm.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. ahuelon says:

    http://i0.poll.fm/js/rating/rating.jsI took a break as well and was encouraged to start again. My blogs have a different flavor. In My one has been purely devoted to my mental health.. I am getting interested inbsiciety and politics more but with an underlying focus on behavior. Who knows where my blogs will go. My next one is going to about the elephant in the room related to relationships. I have even entered the Twitter world. A biggie for someone my age trying something new. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

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