The grief really begins with, the idea that I’ve always seemed to a be a woman of all seasons a chameleon if you will, I seemingly have the ability to be whomever anyone wants me to be when really I want to be just me.
A conversation I had last week brought home that others seem to put me in a box, I might add I jumped into happily, in which I felt trapped and any thoughts of escape are met with a skepticism that I wouldn’t survive outside of this perception.
I work with such a person, who is actually strong willed, basically good very deep down, though has this tendance to be “Honest” in her quest to be “honest” she is actually very hurtful, brutally so, and lacks the self-awareness of how her honest words can hurt.
I’ve seen in others the pain of her self-proclaimed expertise on every subject under the sun, she speaks loudly at you and over you, a bully if truth be told, it appears that because I won’t bend to her will, I become a target from time to time which of course brings back deep-seated anxieties to the fore.
You see, she realises that I see through her, which makes her angry, I can deal with that, but cannot allow her to diminish the progress I’ve made over the last year, she is unaware of my story and the journey I’ve undertaken to become whole, frankly she lacks the empathy to understand that people break for many reasons, other that indulgence.
This really isn’t about her, it’s about me and how I deal with the ups and downs of everyday life, which many of you know can be a challenge, my moods are going in a downward spiral and I’m fighting hard with what I’ve learned to reverse the trend as it were, though sometimes I just feel so lonely and wonder if it’s all worth the effort.
This has been a bit rambling, I’m at cross roads yet again, “I just want to be me” with all my flaws, they’re mine I earned them, just as I have every wrinkle, grey hair, they prove that I’ve lived and overcome, for so long I lived with the idea that being perfect was everything and regularly went 15 rounds with myself on a daily basis when it wasn’t I have the scars to prove it! my imperfections are perfect!
I don’t want to be anyone else, just me, it’s enough.