It’s not like I don’t have anything to say, though I feel with all this stuff just buzzing around sometimes it’s best just to let it fizzle out naturally and just accept that not all my thoughts are productive and need to be verbalised on this platform, I’m still not entirely sure that I’m either getting better or suppressing things to later torture myself with.
Having finished therapy in December I’m still feeling a little bit abandoned and trying to implement the changes required.
I’m supposed to be meditating twice a day, which I’m not managing to do, usually in the mornings I can put aside 20-30 minutes, I do find it beneficial when I complete the exercises in mindfulness, however I still cannot connect fully with the whole process, my therapist said it would take a while as it has to become a habit going forward, I think perhaps I’ve not let got of other habits/rituals for me to fully benefit from it.
As with any support group there will be those that fade away, as they feel that your more stable, which is not always the case, I do with some friends feel a huge guilt that they’ve been there for me, which has taken time away from their own lives, I’m assured that is not the case, the feeling does linger though, again it could be another lesson learned that’s it’s ok to accept help and it doesn’t have to be repaid like a debt.
As February is here, thinking back to last year I was recovering from surgery and life was far from settled, homeless and recovering not the best combination, however from that point life has improved beyond recognition, building a new life is overwhelming and humbling at the same time, and making those connections with ebb and flow of everyday life was something that was denied to me for so long in this area I have much to rejoice.
The human spirit is not something to be taken lightly, mine was all but broken though still fragile, it has kept me going, it has allowed me to believe I’m not worthless, even when the dark days still beckon I know the light is there at the end of the tunnel, the trick is not to lose hope in finding it.
I last wrote about a man who I’d met, he was coming to dinner, well that went very well and there have been several dinners since!!
We are still getting to know each other slowly which suits me just fine, however to get it out-of-the-way I did explain that I am a depressive, I have to admit I was waiting for the fast exit, it didn’t happen! and we talked for a long while about the whole subject of mental health, he certainly learned something new, his interest on the subject is genuine, even better it’s not something that colours our sapling relationship.
It’s good to know there are people out there who are willing to listen and learn and not apply the stigma, he doesn’t know about the homelessness yet, that will take a while before I can really discuss that, however he has had his own issues over the last few years, so were both being a little tentative, so who knows where that will lead.
Much love always