Sometimes I feel that I’m never going to get complete control of my life again, it’s like trying to close an over full case no matter how hard you push down something finds a way to escape.
With mindfulness and meditation, its bloody difficult to stay in the moment when other thoughts wish to make their presence felt, of course I have to oblige and think about them to the Nth degree, which for me is disastrous.
Whilst in therapy other ugly behaviours came to the surface, such as hoarding which is a recognised condition, though new to me, I thought I just didn’t care, and didn’t even realise that I was living(before homelessness) in a hovel, however without the complete degredation of rotting food/rubbish etc.
I’ve never been one to harbour a little army under the sink, I was clean but messy, so when I realised a long time afterwards that in fact I was hoarding it came as a bit of a shock, I didn’t remember until I moved here, where I am now a slave to the army under the sink(cleaning materials), now I clean too much obsessively in fact frankly I don’t know how to stop, why does everything with me have to go from one extreme to the other.
The hoarding thing is scary, literally from not washing the dishes one night to almost drowning in stuff, for me it was books, piled high on every surface, it had got to the point where I didn’t sleep in my bedroom, as it was full of clothes and books, I settled on the one spot on the sofa and just pulled up the blanket when I wanted to go to bed.
All those books I read over and over, at night when sleep was a rarity I watched DVD’s until th early hours, then switched back to books, dark days indeed, what I want to say is that I feel that out of control behaviour starting to grip me again only this time it’s the opposite, the only course of action is to keep practising, keep trying to develop new behaviours and habits and believing it will work.
With the new man, it all seems to be going reasonably well although last week I did display some erratic mood swings, but managed to rein myself in, we’ve yet to talk about it, though deep down I feel as though I’m trying to sabotage this new friendship, it’s like he’s starting to get close which on the one hand I enjoy but on the other hand the fear of not being worthy of someone elses affection scares me, again that not connecting thing is making me build a wall inside myself.
I am seeing the man on Saturday, were staying and I’m cooking, which seems to suit us, hopefully my mood with lift a little so I can enjoy the evening.