The Little Voice Inside…

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It’s been so long I feel as though I’m at Blogger Anonymous “Hello I’m cay and it’s been 8 months since my last blog post”!

It’s comforting that I can come and go knowing that there is support there should I need it’s never been about hundreds of followers more that I have a place where my voice doesn’t seem so little.

I forgot my manners Hi, and nice to be amongst you all again and thank you for taking the time to share my thoughts, I warn you thay’ll be a bit jumbled (I’ve suddenly forgot how to write) however I shall plough on.

My thoughts over the last few days have been about my eternal inner dialogue which is a 24/7 affair and I’m afraid it often ebbs more than it flows, though I think there has been more clarity of late, of which I’m always thankful.

Lets go back a little I have been in the throes of a new relationship which started back in December, sadly it was not meant to be, it ended a few months ago, now normally I would be devastated by this and I mean that in the way of, I feel that I’m not good at relationships of the heart or any close relationships I think I’m to blame as I don’t really have trust in people.

It comes to something when you realise that at 53yrs making relationships sustainable require quite a lot of work, which I’m prepared to put in, however my need for everything to be perfect is self sabotageing(I know) but am unable to stop the constant anxiety that I’m trying to hard therfore doing everything wrong, sounds mad but I hope makes sense.

Back to the man friend, he is a really nice guy, though I discovered he had a few problems of his own which he wasn’t prepared to open about, which is ok, though it did put a big strain on our relationship, eventually I had to be clear and basically told him that I couldn’t relly help him even though he will have my support in terms of he can pick up the phone anytime(which he has) but I have to deal with my own crap first.

My first foray into putting myself first, made me feel pretty crap, though it had to be done and I do feel lighter for it, there just wasn’t room for me to immerse myself into anothers problems which I’d always done in the past thusily leaving me a little emptier each time.

I’m not sure if this is a sign of strength or cowardice I dwell on it often, no answers yet, the sky hasn’t fallen it so I think it’s ok.

It’s been 17 months since I’ve been living in my flat, my biggest fear was that I wouldn’t manage after 4 yrs being homeless therefore invisible, and I have to say what an absolute joy it is to come home each day, tinged with sadness as homelessness in the UK has soared and resoureces have stretched to breaking point, the cold weather plummets seeing more men and women sleeping rough, there isn’t a day goes by with a report of a homeless sleeper found dead.

I do volunteer at shelters etc, but it’s really just putting a bandaid on a bigger problem, I do feel guilty at times, I overcame and many of these men and women have not or have not yet got themselves in front of the right organisation to give them the help and support they need.

I walked outof my job 8wks ago,I finally had enough, I refuse to work in a toxic enviroment, where disrepesct is the order of the day, I only did minimal hours with the help of benefits, I don’t think my mental health could have taken anymore, it was the right decsion I know now that the mind and spirit are fragile, also I can no longer allow my mental health to be comprimised in anyway I don’t think I would survive the alternative again.

I’ve also joined the local gym, and have been doing really well, it’s been years since I exercised and to use Aretha Franklin’s qoute : “I’d become entirely too fat” I know some of this was stress weight, so far so good I go 4-5  times per week I’ve lost a dress size it also gives me a couple of blank hours per day which keeps the negative thoughts at bay.

All in all eveything seems ok depression is pretty low although anxiety spikes often, the main thing being it’s not engulfing me as before and that’s progress,

I still may refer back to (Mind-mental health service) as there are still some unresolved issues that I need to deal with as always I feel that I have to be aware and be in a position where I can ask for help and not feel ashamed for doing so, as we all know the stigma around mental health is prevelant, so it’s important to remember were not alone, especially this time of year when emotions can run high and isolate us even more.

SAMARITANS UK 24/7 365 CALL FREE FROM ANY PHONE: 116 123

 

 

 

 

 

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About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
This entry was posted in Anxiety, Blogs, Depression, Mental Health and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to The Little Voice Inside…

  1. JC says:

    It’s good to hear from you and know that you’re doing well. I hope you have a wonderful holiday… jc

    Liked by 1 person

  2. JC says:

    It’s good to hear from you and that you are doing well. Have a wonderful holiday… jc

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hope Turner says:

    Hey, ol’ friend. It’s good to see you. I’ve just posted my first blog in probably over a year, easy. So, I can relate to learning how to put thoughts to paper again. I also can relate to relationships ending, and how difficult that can be. But you sound good. I’m proud of you for your gym commitment. I need to do the same thing. So, thank you for writing. It was encouraging to me. Hugs, Hope

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey! Lovely surprise I did think about you wondering how you are. I didn’t realise you hadn’t posted in so long, I will read your latest and catch up.

      We’ll life is life and slowly swimming up stream “sighs” we can only do the best we can.
      Hugs xx

      Like

  4. ahuelon says:

    I loved this blog. I sounded completely from your heart where truth lies. I started blogging in 2013 and could not handle reading others pain so I stepped back and returned in the Spring of 2017. I learned not to take on others pain but to listen. I copied this blog as I want to make future comments as there is so much good stuff in it. On turst, I trust too much. But I learn evertime I am disapointed. Sometimes my expectations are too great or unrealistic. Some time my need is too great that no one can fill them and I look at the failure as a problem with trust when it is not. I will continue to trust too easily becasue that is who I am. On the subject of followeres, I had quite a few in 13 and 14 but have not picked up many since Spring. My focus is broader now as I do not think so much about me being Bipolar but just as a person with different circumstances than some and just try to live the best that I can. I have more fun writing about a varity of subjects. Writing seems to be a positive choice of therapy for me. When I write I am in heaven. I tend to write about relationships, family, parenting, depression, children, holidays and theri impact, politics, and anything that pops in my mind that I can’t shake loose. The only way to get it out of my thoughts is to blog about it. One of may favorits was when I tried to thini what a 7 year old would tell his mom about his first seven years of life and the one I wrote about” Parenting has an experation date. I do not focus on trying to be perfect, but to live the best that I can throug love and acceptance. No one would know that I am Bipolar if I did not tell them. I am not ashamed howeve and freely talk about it when appropriate. One day I was at my yearly review with my Edward Jones fellow, He knew I was Bipolar. We had know each other for about 15 years. He shared with me that his daughter had just been diagnosed Bi. After we talked I came home and wrote a new blog about what I would say to someone newly diagnosed. I also copied some of my past blogs from back in 2013 when I was writing a lot about my condition, copied them and sent them to him. He later told me that what I shared helped him understand where his daughter was coming from. So I am pretty spontanious about when and what I write about. I too just had a freindship take a tale spin. We had different definations of what a friendship was. I have written 3 blogs about it. One was how it started a while back then two about, can a teacher/mentor relationship turn into a freindship. He is the professor and I am the sturdent in the third party writing. The third is about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The examples are real but not him. However the description of the disorder is textbook
    case of my “friend”. See how I use writing as therapy. My son was concerned when the friendship callapsed but I had figured out how toxic it was and was releaved.Pardon any spellin errors. I am dyslexic and am not using spell check here. Take care.I got a little carried away.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your comment, I really appreciate it. I found that when began to open up about my mental health issues I found it difficult to come to terms with different areas of my life especially when dealing with homelessness.

      The support I found here was huge, and it really kept me going through some incredibly difficult months.

      I also had to step back for a long time whilst I tried to heal and put myself on a path of sustainable recovery although I peaked in daily with luck I can now start to write again with more positivity.

      Liked by 1 person

      • ahuelon says:

        Don’t worry about being postive is my advice. Just write. It will work its self out. Do not judge yoursel is my advice. Just accept yourself for where you are and love yourself even if you do not think you deserve it BECAUSE YOU DO….ALWAYS….BELIEVE ME.

        Liked by 1 person

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