In my post yesterday I talked about faith or as I like to call “my truths” and wanted to explore a little further.
Over the last week or so I’ve come back to blogging and have written a few posts about my experiences over the last two years dealing with depression and homelessness both I’m glad to report have improved and my life is back on track battered and bruised but taking things one day at a time.
Anyway back to the Antony Hopkins quote, in dealing with the various housing agencies/doctors etc I was subjected to some very harsh criticism and judgment(I beat myself up daily) which in turn made me feel worse and unable to open up, when your life is put under the telescope like that it’s the one almost guaranteed to make you retreat into that chasm of self-hatred and shame.
When you are in a spiral of self blame they only add to your own assertion that you’re a failure, even when so-called friends do the same they have no idea how their words can wound and every platitude just digs the knife in a little deeper, it’s odd I couldn’t bear the silence of their judgment either a double-edged sword of recrimination.
Back to the quote (again) the first line struck me a light bulb moment if you will “its none of my business what people think or say of me” I thought about that for a long time and given my position at the time it rang true, it really is none of my business why must I conform to the idea of what others think I should be, only I can live my life and only I, can tell my story whatever I put out their ultimately I will deal with the consequences if any.
Remembering back to who I used to be I always marched to the beat of my own drum not exactly a free spirit but nevertheless I made my own choices and took my knocks, not that I never asked for help/advice but always felt in charge of my own destiny my own truths.
So whilst for many months I was royally judged, it dawned me, hey we all fall down and can lose our way, it’s not my business what you think of me personally I don’t expect anything but will accept your compassion.