The Little Voice Inside…

It’s been so long I feel as though I’m at Blogger Anonymous “Hello I’m cay and it’s been 8 months since my last blog post”!

It’s comforting that I can come and go knowing that there is support there should I need it’s never been about hundreds of followers more that I have a place where my voice doesn’t seem so little.

I forgot my manners Hi, and nice to be amongst you all again and thank you for taking the time to share my thoughts, I warn you thay’ll be a bit jumbled (I’ve suddenly forgot how to write) however I shall plough on.

My thoughts over the last few days have been about my eternal inner dialogue which is a 24/7 affair and I’m afraid it often ebbs more than it flows, though I think there has been more clarity of late, of which I’m always thankful.

Lets go back a little I have been in the throes of a new relationship which started back in December, sadly it was not meant to be, it ended a few months ago, now normally I would be devastated by this and I mean that in the way of, I feel that I’m not good at relationships of the heart or any close relationships I think I’m to blame as I don’t really have trust in people.

It comes to something when you realise that at 53yrs making relationships sustainable require quite a lot of work, which I’m prepared to put in, however my need for everything to be perfect is self sabotageing(I know) but am unable to stop the constant anxiety that I’m trying to hard therfore doing everything wrong, sounds mad but I hope makes sense.

Back to the man friend, he is a really nice guy, though I discovered he had a few problems of his own which he wasn’t prepared to open about, which is ok, though it did put a big strain on our relationship, eventually I had to be clear and basically told him that I couldn’t relly help him even though he will have my support in terms of he can pick up the phone anytime(which he has) but I have to deal with my own crap first.

My first foray into putting myself first, made me feel pretty crap, though it had to be done and I do feel lighter for it, there just wasn’t room for me to immerse myself into anothers problems which I’d always done in the past thusily leaving me a little emptier each time.

I’m not sure if this is a sign of strength or cowardice I dwell on it often, no answers yet, the sky hasn’t fallen it so I think it’s ok.

It’s been 17 months since I’ve been living in my flat, my biggest fear was that I wouldn’t manage after 4 yrs being homeless therefore invisible, and I have to say what an absolute joy it is to come home each day, tinged with sadness as homelessness in the UK has soared and resoureces have stretched to breaking point, the cold weather plummets seeing more men and women sleeping rough, there isn’t a day goes by with a report of a homeless sleeper found dead.

I do volunteer at shelters etc, but it’s really just putting a bandaid on a bigger problem, I do feel guilty at times, I overcame and many of these men and women have not or have not yet got themselves in front of the right organisation to give them the help and support they need.

I walked outof my job 8wks ago,I finally had enough, I refuse to work in a toxic enviroment, where disrepesct is the order of the day, I only did minimal hours with the help of benefits, I don’t think my mental health could have taken anymore, it was the right decsion I know now that the mind and spirit are fragile, also I can no longer allow my mental health to be comprimised in anyway I don’t think I would survive the alternative again.

I’ve also joined the local gym, and have been doing really well, it’s been years since I exercised and to use Aretha Franklin’s qoute : “I’d become entirely too fat” I know some of this was stress weight, so far so good I go 4-5  times per week I’ve lost a dress size it also gives me a couple of blank hours per day which keeps the negative thoughts at bay.

All in all eveything seems ok depression is pretty low although anxiety spikes often, the main thing being it’s not engulfing me as before and that’s progress,

I still may refer back to (Mind-mental health service) as there are still some unresolved issues that I need to deal with as always I feel that I have to be aware and be in a position where I can ask for help and not feel ashamed for doing so, as we all know the stigma around mental health is prevelant, so it’s important to remember were not alone, especially this time of year when emotions can run high and isolate us even more.

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