Replacing Emptiness…

The last four years have been hellish to say the least, though I am on the other side, still broken, possibly but here I suppose that could be called strength!

This year I started a new journey the 6th of January to be exact when I made the last ditched effort to get help, not only for homelessness, also in dealing with my mental health.

I’m no longer homeless and it feel good to be sitting here writing this post at home, a scenario I thought was lost to me for ever, the transition has been difficult, trying to adjust to not being invisible and living on the edges of society in fear of completely slipping through the cracks.

Dealing with mental health as many of you know is a double-edged sword, with myself I felt trapped by depression and anxiety often to the point where I didn’t know what was real or who I was, the world tilted on its axis many years ago and I’ve been running uphill ever since.

Working with a high intensity therapist has given me some new perspectives on my life, the main one being that my life wasn’t as authentic as I thought, somehow I created a whole persona in my quest to avoid what my life should be and not what it actually was.

Imagine spending the better part of your life doing just about anything, from being a people pleaser, to working the most ridiculous hours to fill up time, believing that I was being productive, to being everybody’s emotional sponge, never once thinking about how soaking up other people’s problems could have an adverse effect on me.

I worked hard played even harder, never nurtured myself I forgot about me, and all those strategies I used to cope began to not serve me very well, to tell the truth they turned on me, breaking me down bit by bit until I had to contend with the grief of my mother dying, which finally broke that particular dam.

So it continued for the next 10 years, the harder I tried the worse it got, if there was contest for who could be themselves up the most I was the number 1 contender, and you know what? it was easy to do, as everything in the whole wide world my fault, how mad is that!!!

So back to therapy I have to say it did open my mind up to the fact that I can live my life another way without constant recrimination, not carry the past on my back, not running so hard that every time I turned a corner I hit a wall, learning not to letting obsessive intrusive thoughts govern my actions which led me to believe I wasn’t trying hard enough, the list is endless.

I sit here with 6 months of intensive CBT therapy under my belt and for the first time in years I feel calmer and a little more in control of myself, even though CBT has finished and I did have a little separation anxiety, it hasn’t been too bad, actually all of my official support has ended, though my key worker for the mental health side is going to meet with me for the last time in the new year.

Now I’m left with the tools they have given me to practise, and create new habits for coping, and trying to stabilise my behaviours that can lead me back to that dark place, even though I still feel empty and have trouble connecting with my emotions.

Now I have to fill that jar with new activities or as my key worker say filling up my life with good things, basically take care of me, to give me a new foundation, I’ve no idea how it’s going to go, though I do know if I don’t get to grips in being kind to myself and allowing myself to really connect as opposed to being a watcher of events in my life the slippery slope will once again beckon.

Here I go introducing myself to me,and hoping the new year brings me peace continued strength and of course hope.

Happy New Year to my followers let us all look to the future and fill ourselves up with good things. xxxCay x