I am my own worst critic, to the point where I actually think I’m that worthless and massive emptiness inside will never be filled with anything remotely positive.
In my own mind I’ve seen the dark side, I know that sounds melodramatic, how else can I explain the way my mental health has taken its toll on me, literally 24/7 my disruptive negative thoughts crash through my head causing mayhem, I constantly think about the past creating scenarios in which I change events in an attempt to make me feel better, it doesn’t.
I keep falling back on bad habits to cope even with intensive CBT, on the other hand I try to predict the future again creating scenarios where I would be happy with my issues behind me, that doesn’t really work either.
So what I do is beat myself up, and frankly I’m without mercy when I do that, of course the only purpose it serves is to make me feel worse, and the emptiness remains, as does the pain.
During CBT I’ve been learning mindfulness about being in the moment, this is hard to just clear your mind and being present, I confess I haven’t been too successful in this but S says it can take up to six months practice before I will note any real changes in how I think and react to stressful situations.
I have to try to be more active, so I started power walking in the mornings, usually around an hour, with 10 minuets meditation at the end, I tend to stop and start a lot, as the thoughts keep finding their way in, so one or two mornings I can get through my routine, the other times it’s difficult.
My therapist S recommended this book by Mark Williams, I’ve found this to be very helpful, it gives practical easy to follow methods on how to calm anxiety and manage depression, there is a CD that comes with the book, on using meditation to get better results in practicing mindfulness.
Here is a link from YouTube to the meditation: https://youtu.be/HEyaQ_iTBcs?list=PLEJsm6_JcM2DsPuoWLnMpEFJLkXKykVc9
I only have 5 mores sessions of CBT, so I’m going to be working really hard to get the best from the remaining time.
I have to learn to be kind to myself, I no longer wish to dwell on the past, or try to predict the future, being in the now will be the next chapter in my journey to restoring my mental health.