Looking For Me…

I’ve written several posts recently, posted none my fingers made of stone hovering trying to get back to my journey, it’s been six months since I last posted.

I feel a guilty in a way, which is daft really, that I haven’t been recording my meanderings to keep track of my various struggles with mental health and homelessness.

Since my surgery back in January life continued with its twists and turns, lets just say even with an excellent case worker the homeless situation continued in ever decreasing circles, I was still staying in a local hotel, which was being paid for in part by a very good friend(another unexpected rescuer).

The months pass and we come to April, now fully recovered, the housing authorities decided they were going to get involved, so with a new set of people and my trusty case worker b my side, I again with resignation told them of my sorry tale, which as usual was met with the officer talking over my left shoulder (I’m invisible) we left that day without much hope.

Secondly they wanted to know more about my mental health issues, and why I wasn’t in therapy, I explained that the waiting list was very long also with having surgery and the long recovery time, that was not a priority, I was then told, that I could lose benefits if I couldn’t prove I had a mental health issue.

You can imagine what this did, feeling that life was starting spiral downwards again, I made the call to Health In Mind, who coincidently were about to write to me to commence therapy, so benefits saved and the spiral receded.

I was given six half hour sessions of CBT, with a lovely therapist who immediately put me at ease, though she realised quickly that I would need a more intensive type of treatment, because just being given free rein to talk I opened up the whole can of worms, also she was only the first tier and was unable to address some of the aspects of my depression, CBT is only really designed  to talk about one area.

I continued with her, because it was better than nothing, even though we couldn’t get much done in 30 mins not her fault or mine just the system.

I was a drift for a couple of weeks, when the new therapist called to make an appointment, to say I was in a bit down was an understatement, so by the time I reached his office(late) I was in no mood for any kind of treatment, which this time was 12 weeks of intensive CBT, it’s fair to say that first session was a disaster, I couldn’t stop crying and feeling increasingly desperate thoughts of suicide uppermost in my mind.

It took a few weeks and I began to bond with S, he was more structured, I discovered that I’ve suffered with depression for many years, though not recognising the signs, which seemed to stem from my core values, which means lessons from childhood and the coping methods I employed as a way to alleviate feelings inadequacy and anxiety.

It was quite strange to hear someone verbalise what I had thought about myself for a long time, I projected one image of myself whilst all the time keeping the real me suppressed if that makes sense, so I have to do a great deal of hard work to attain balance and learn new coping mechanisms and not suppress my emotional side, and allow my thoughts to overtake my day-to-day life.

We use meditive mindfulness which help me to be in the moment and to focus on that instead of a million negative thoughts coursing through my mind at my usual breakneck speed, I’m also learning for the first time ever to relax, it’s hard to change the habits of a lifetime, I have though committed myself to doing all I can to escape this hostage situation of depression and anxiety.

I have more to tell of the last 6 months, I’m a bit tired now so I’ll sign off

Hope everyone is okay and I shall be doing the rounds again and thanks for your support.

Cay xx