It always amazes me, my capacity for guilt, laughable that I should feel guilty for trying to take control of my life and all the miseries it contains, selfish some might say, though I’ve heard it said that being selfish can be a positive aspect to your life.
With the guilt comes introspection, of the deepest kind, usually with few answers always returning to square one as I continue to spin trying to gain traction on the events that control my life.
So far in the last 5 months I’ve managed to apply for and receive benefits, which is always a contentious point, as it generally thought that those who seek benefits are abusing the system, some do we all know that,however for almost for years I received nothing except for when I could earn a little and most of the time I worked for my meals or for somewhere to stay.
There were many times when I had no money at all, it’s not easy to exist on thin air, or eat it for that matter, so I’m grateful for £73.00 per week I now get, by the way this is the amount the government deems is all I need to get by, for me it’s like winning the lottery, and I still feel guilty for this handout, because it wasn’t enough to be invisible, to some I should be invisible without means to support myself.
I did seek help with one agency which didn’t work out but have anew one that’s working with me, and now I’m getting support, real support from people who don’t judge, as I get to know them and tell more of my story, I feel guilty again because there are others worse off, I told this to my case worker, she replied quietly, “you are one of those worse off”.
I feel it’s selfish of me to ask for help as I’m really the architect of my own downfall, and it should be up to me to deal with it and find a solution, well if you read these pages you know how that worked out.
Life seems to be moving in an upward trajectory, it scares me I really don’t know how to process this new phase in my life and needed the break not only because I’d crashed down to rock bottom again,I need to find a way to swim up to the surface and stay afloat, it could be that I have a really strong survival instinct or perhaps I’m too stupid to stay down and just give up, time will tell.
It has been strange not blogging and it’s going to take time before the words really flow again, my blog is my link to the outside world, my feelings,thoughts and the only way I can stay in touch with my own life, which sounds incredibly sad, mental health issues,homelessness will distort your view on life in many profound ways it can be hard to keep up.
So to answer my own question I think being selfish to benefit your own wellbeing, is a positive, trying to couple that with feelings of guilt and worthlessness is a harder mountain to climb, and finally realising that there will be times when I just have nothing to give, and recognising that’s ok.