Is It Ok To Be Selfish

Screenshot-2015-12-13-19.17.52After my recent break from blogging, again the little demons come out to play, why? because I’m focusing on myself.

It always amazes me, my capacity for guilt, laughable that I should feel guilty for trying to take control of my life and all the miseries it contains, selfish some might say, though I’ve heard it said that being selfish can be a positive aspect to your life.

With the guilt comes introspection, of the deepest kind, usually with few answers always returning to square one as I continue to spin trying to gain traction on the events that control my life.

So far in the last 5 months I’ve managed to apply for and receive benefits, which is always a contentious point, as it generally thought that those who seek benefits are abusing the system, some do we all know that,however for almost for years I received nothing except for when I could earn a little and most of the time I worked for my meals or for somewhere to stay.

There were many times when I had no money at all, it’s not easy to exist on thin air, or eat it for that matter, so I’m grateful for £73.00 per week I now get, by the way this is the amount the government deems is all I need to get by, for me it’s like winning the lottery, and I still feel guilty for this handout, because it wasn’t enough to be invisible, to some I should be invisible without means to support myself.

I did seek help with one agency which didn’t work out but have anew one that’s working with me, and now I’m getting support, real support from people who don’t judge, as I get to know them and tell more of my story, I feel guilty again because there are others worse off, I told this to my case worker, she replied quietly, “you are one of those worse off”.

I feel it’s selfish of me to ask for help as I’m really the architect of my own downfall, and it should be up to me to deal with it and find a solution, well if you read these pages you know how that worked out.

Life seems to be moving in an upward trajectory, it scares me I really don’t know how to process this new phase in my life and needed the break not only because I’d crashed down to rock bottom again,I need to find a way to swim up to the surface and stay afloat, it could be that I have a really strong survival instinct or perhaps I’m too stupid to stay down and just give up, time will tell.

It has been strange not blogging and it’s going to take time before the words really flow again, my blog is my link to the outside world, my feelings,thoughts and the only way I can stay in touch with my own life, which sounds incredibly sad, mental health issues,homelessness will distort your view on life in many profound ways it can be hard to keep up.

So to answer my own question I think being selfish to benefit your own wellbeing, is a positive, trying to couple that with feelings of guilt and worthlessness is a harder mountain to climb, and finally realising that there will be times when I just have nothing to give, and recognising that’s ok.

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About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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15 Responses to Is It Ok To Be Selfish

  1. lizzie1322 says:

    I don’t think you are selfish. In my opinion selfishness is those who could help others but don’t want to. Those that only do things for their own benefit.
    I don’t think you have anything to feel guilty for in looking after your own needs.
    I’m so glad to hear you are finally getting some benefits however small! X

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Working on yourself is the best thing for you, mentally, physically and emotionally. Keep hanging on x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Bradley says:

    Taking care of your needs is hardly selfish. You may not get much (I’m on disability in the US and what I get each month is laughable) but at least it makes you a productive member of society. No one benefited when I was homeless and was sleeping on buses or behind bushes. It’s a struggle now but at least I know where I’ll sleep and what I’ll eat.

    Liked by 1 person

    • this is true compared to how things were to how they are now, the difference is huge,I guess I just don’t know how to accept support.

      When you live on the outside for so long what was once normal, now feels strange I have to re-learn how to function as part of society, and not feel so guilty or selfish for benefitting.

      Thanks for your comment:)

      Liked by 1 person

  4. JC says:

    You have to be to be selfish to be selfless…

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Gemma says:

    You are far from selfish. So glad you are getting the benefits you need and deserve x

    Liked by 1 person

  6. breakdownchick says:

    I’ve too have struggled with guilt in recieving assistance, but i finally realized those feelings came from how I think society sees me&I shouldn’t base my self value on opinions of others. Easier said than done! I also learned in therapy that the whole selfish (taking care of self first) IS a positive &absolutely necessary. I’m glad you are taking care of yourself, hugs! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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