Cupid Flies Solo

We are at that time again when cupid fires his arrows, to reinforce our love for those closest to us, I’ve always found that this always for someone else and we tend to forget ourselves lest we also receive this token of love.

Being a single lady by choice, even that sounds trite, in my defense I’ve spent countless hours over the years trying to explain that I like being single, I’m not a man hater and I do believe in love, and believe that it is there for me, we just haven’t crossed paths yet.

Having a significant other I believe doesn’t equate to being single, alone, lonely, I’ve been all three at various times of my life and to me has meant something different and profound each time, single being the least.

I would say during the last 3 years especially being homeless, has rendered me lonely, in a way I never thought possible, I felt to be noticed even you have to be visible in a way that others actually see you and not the pseudo sense of belonging that you put out there, to hide the tangible loneliness you feel.

Depression and all mental health issues also bring about a sense of loneliness, stigma being the main culprit, however the paralysing aloneness of this illness is not always something you can describe, you feel it like a scythe chopping and slicing at your feelings, your being alone and loneliness mirroring each other.

I have always liked my own company, this being a bit of a paradox, as for the last several years I’ve disliked and loathed my very existence, however when things are good, I’m happy to be alone in my own company with my books, music and movies, I enjoy walking, eating out alone with fear of being judged, though people do tend to talk to you more, because they often see you on your own.

Although there is the intensely commercial aspect of Valentines day, which forces this notion of love, for me I just want to learn to love myself again, and when that day comes I hope to be at peace with myself again, and I’ll never be lonely again.