Cupid Flies Solo

heartsWe are at that time again when cupid fires his arrows, to reinforce our love for those closest to us, I’ve always found that this always for someone else and we tend to forget ourselves lest we also receive this token of love.

Being a single lady by choice, even that sounds trite, in my defense I’ve spent countless hours over the years trying to explain that I like being single, I’m not a man hater and I do believe in love, and believe that it is there for me, we just haven’t crossed paths yet.

Having a significant other I believe doesn’t equate to being single, alone, lonely, I’ve been all three at various times of my life and to me has meant something different and profound each time, single being the least.

I would say during the last 3 years especially being homeless, has rendered me lonely, in a way I never thought possible, I felt to be noticed even you have to be visible in a way that others actually see you and not the pseudo sense of belonging that you put out there, to hide the tangible loneliness you feel.

Depression and all mental health issues also bring about a sense of loneliness, stigma being the main culprit, however the paralysing aloneness of this illness is not always something you can describe, you feel it like a scythe chopping and slicing at your feelings, your being alone and loneliness mirroring each other.

I have always liked my own company, this being a bit of a paradox, as for the last several years I’ve disliked and loathed my very existence, however when things are good, I’m happy to be alone in my own company with my books, music and movies, I enjoy walking, eating out alone with fear of being judged, though people do tend to talk to you more, because they often see you on your own.

Although there is the intensely commercial aspect of Valentines day, which forces this notion of love, for me I just want to learn to love myself again, and when that day comes I hope to be at peace with myself again, and I’ll never be lonely again.

About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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6 Responses to Cupid Flies Solo

  1. Lili says:

    You can do it!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. JC says:

    I agree, I love my solitude, it’s like giving yourself a gift…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Gale Wright says:

    I need to be alone a lot. It seems like I have to unlearn the habit of believing I need more people around, though. I feel wistful when I see groups of people who seem so easy-going with each other. But I don’t really think that is the life for me. It certainly isn’t right now.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve always had lots of people around me, but that was due mainly to work, in my personal life I prefer a smaller group, though I have many aquaintances.

      The next step for me is to learn again to be with people on a more equal footing, and still enjoy my solitude.

      Liked by 1 person

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