My Wings Touched The Flame


My fingers have hovered over the keyboard several times over the last 5 months, my thoughts refusing to flow from my mind through my fingers.

To quickly update, I had hit almost bottom and ended up sleeping in the shop of the cafe where I work, all options seemingly at an end.

I had started working with the Mental Health Charity MIND, we had got through the initial assessment and they agreed to work with me, however I was given a case worker to help with the homelessness issue which unfortunately didn’t really work out in the way I’d hoped, therefore the initial rush of real hope was quite quickly dashed, and as usual I was back to square one.

In the meantime my health was deteriorating, my depression was deepening rapidly I was severely anemic, and after a health screen found I had fibroids.(fibroids non cancerous growths in the womb), the latter would explain many of the other symptoms I’d been experiencing which had now moved to the forefront, I was going to need surgery.

As the months rolled by and I sank deeper into myself, I touched the edge of the flames many times actually entertaining serious thoughts of just ending it, luckily I’m a coward and the thoughts remained just that, I found many reasons as to way I didn’t deserve to live, as you can imagine it’s easy to do when your mind has reduced itself to a rawness which incredibly painful, at times I could almost smell the decay of my many failures, and strangely at the same time drew a morbid comfort from the pain as it had become yet again the “norm”

December arrived, I was booked in with a consultant about the fibroids, the day duly arrived and he and I had a very long chat about my current health concerns and what it would mean, luckily another health professional who listens and asks the right questions, he said 2 things which later made me take a step back from the brink.

  1. I understand and you’re not alone in this
  2.  I’m going to give you your life back

For the first time in months I burst into tears, huge racking sobs, I swear by the time I’d finished I was sat in a puddle of all my failures.

It was decided that I was to have a total hysterectomy in January, and honestly I felt somewhat well more relieved than better, something was going to happen.

The New Year as it inevitably does rolled in, and eschewing resolutions, I thought lets give it another go, I found another agency called One support and visited, told my story yet again without any real conviction assuming I was going to get the usual stock answers, well to my surprise I didn’t the initial support worker was fantastic wrote everything down, and then got on the phone, I was told I wasn’t entitled to any benefits, seems I was, the support worker did my application over the phone, which was duly accepted and I now receive benefits I can’t tell the relief it is to have money, although I work but it’s more voluntary and keeps me fed with small remuneration like £20 pounds every now and then.

I explained also at the end of the month I would be having surgery and would need somewhere temporary to stay as the recovery period can be lengthy, which suddenly made me fit the requirement for housing even if temporary.

I have been assigned a permanent support worker who is fantastic, she came to the housing department, and finally I’ve been registered as homeless, I explained I’d been to this office many times and was always told there was nothing they could do, which turns out to be incorrect, I was very angry as I could have been housed about 2 years ago!!!

So I’m now on the housing list which means that each week I can bid on properties that they have available, it won’t happen overnight, but it will happen.

My operation was on the 29th January almost 2 weeks ago, there were problems the fibroids were huge grapefruit size and there were over 20, as the consultant said it was a mess down there and the surgery was over 2hrs, I was four days in hospital, and have been recuperating in a local hotel, luckily where I know the manager and the staff well, the council wanted to send me to B&B some 20 miles away where I don’t know anyone I wouldn’t be near my doctor or the hospital, and would not recieve any care.

My friends came up with the idea for me to stay local so they can continue to give me support, and also will pay for my stay, which I will pay back when I receive housing benefit so win win.

Recovery is slow, and I’m very limited as to what I can do, which is Ok, I’m very tired most of the time, and though not in pain, but sore as the wound heals, they took the stitches out last week and it was a vertical incision which will take a little longer to heal.

My Support worker Mrs P is fantastic she calls everyday and we meet once a week, and gradually I’m filling her in on the more unsavoury aspects of homelessness, more importantly she is my voice, and will be at my side as I recover but regain my place within society.

Whew, that was lengthy but glad it’s got me back to blogging.

PS thanks to all of those who e-mailed, tweeted during my absence.



About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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11 Responses to My Wings Touched The Flame

  1. Gale Wright says:

    I am so very glad that you have finally, finally got the help you need. How terrible that they should have helped you long ago. There seems to be incompetent workers everywhere, even in the important areas of life like keeping someone off the street. I bet when you are recuperated from your surgery, you will feel better than you have for a very long time. Someone I knew had fibroids as bad as yours and it was a very difficult surgery and will take some time to heal from. But you’ll be okay! So happy for you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi 🙂 yes it’s been a bit of a trial in regards help I was entitled to, but it’s in place now, which is a huge relief.

      Surgery is going to take a while, though I’m happy with that I need to be phyiscally strong and let my mental processes have a break and also to heal, so good also to have the full support of my friends.

      Thanks so much for your comment 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. JC says:

    It’s great to have you back! And I hope everything continues to go well for you…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. lizzie1322 says:

    It’s so nice to see you on my blog feed again, you’ve been missed! I’m sorry to hear about your health deterioration and I hope you recover quickly from the surgery. That’s great your friends were so supportive and you were able to stay in your local area while you recover

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi 🙂 good to be back, lots of changes happening, but the one blessing are my friends, who have been incredible, and helps to make my recovery reletively stress free.

      I have snuck in now and then and am hopeful you will find new hope in terms of a new job. xx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Gemma says:

    It is so lovely that you are back. You truly deserve all the help that you are finally getting! Hope the surgery goes well x

    Liked by 1 person

  5. So! So many things to say. I’ve just caught up on everything you have posted and wow! So much has happened.

    It seems things are finally on the up and I am so, so happy that you are getting the help you deserve.

    I hope you are feeling better after your surgery, my aunt had a hysterectomy last year and it took her a few weeks to get back to full strength.

    I’m glad that you and your brother are able to talk again. I think even starting slowly is a huge step and maybe you will both get on better now!

    Also! I’m so happy about the new living situation! I know biding for houses can be a pain. But I know it will happen soon and that’s so exciting!

    I’m so happy your back Cay! I missed you 🙂

    (Sorry… I got a bit excited when I saw you were back haha)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks so much, it’s all been a bit action packed, I’m daring to hope this time around it’ll be different!

      Surgery has taken it’s toll, but I’m taking the time to let my body heal, as in the long run my health will be so much better.

      Yes a bit strange having my brother back in my life, baby steps and hopefully we’ll get there.

      Bidding for a home will take time,at last I’m on that track, so I don’t mind the wait too much, this time there’ll be something at the end of it.

      Good to see you posting, too:) xx


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