Dwelling In The Past

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I seem to be stuck, for the last few weeks this sadness that has enveloped  me refuses to shake itself free, clinging like a wet blanket.

I try to face each day with new eyes, and appreciate what is in the present, but my thoughts turn inwards, and the internal dialogue becomes quite negative, not the searing kind, nonetheless, I feel my strength ebbing away.

The tears threaten daily over the smallest things which frustrate and infuriate me at the same time, I don’t know if it’s the end of summer and the unknown that the winter holds for my living situation, or if I’ve again just reached breaking point and yet again hibernate in my mind, it appears either way I have no choice to what happens and I’m too tired to go with the flow.

I find that I’m thinking about the past a great deal, back to who I used to be which was a high functioning individual, but even that seems shallow to my ears as that person lost confidence in herself and ended up in the mess she’s in now, you see in my thoughts I think of myself in the third person.

I think back to my home, and all the memories contained within, a time when I had a good career, and enough money to do what I wanted, I travelled, I socialised, I had a wide circle of friends, had boyfriends I went to the movies,museums,galleries, I had interests, where did it all go, how can you lose a life so completely without being dead.

In the past I was alive in the present I’m barely here, the future well that’s some utopic dream for others, I can’t see myself having a place there, as that would mean that I would have to be visible, in the sense that I’d want to be there, I just can’t see it.

I think I’m looking into an imaginary crystal ball to see the future, which of course I can’t, I need to make that happen, I no longer have the tools or even the ambition to try, which a pretty sad commentary on a life not wanting to be in the present, which lives in the past and is afraid of the future, confused much!

I need help and don’t know where to turn, I see the doctor tomorrow(thought it was yesterday) I don’t even know what to tell them, I just hope, they can help my mental state and get me back on an even keel, I hate living this half-life, I hate not being able to cope, I hate that I have depression,and I hate being homeless, I just want to be who I was, but I think she’s gone for ever.

 

Every night and every morn,
Some to misery are born,
Every morn and every night,
Some are born to sweet delight.
Some are born to endless night.
William Blake
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About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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14 Responses to Dwelling In The Past

  1. I’m sorry you’re struggling. I wish you all the best.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. JC says:

    If I could write or say something to lift you up I would. All I know is that this will pass as all things do. And know that you are in my thoughts. Read more of William Blake. He always seems to have answers for me…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Your right it does pass, I didn’t need to go back, the effort sometimes is exhausting.

      I’ve not read much William Blake but have always enjoyed this poem.

      Thank you for your kind words, it all helps 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. jamborobyn says:

    I’ve had some similar thoughts as you mentioned here. Please hang in there and know that you will get through this. As you’re aware, I’ve been cooking turnips. I had to because that is all there was and I couldn’t face going outside yesterday to buy more food. LOL! So at the moment I am going with the “life as art/prayer” concept which means that all these bad times are absolutely valuable and necessary, until they are not anymore.

    This poem from Rumi keeps running through my mind – and I think it’s myself telling myself it’s OK to be here now. I’m not actually sure what it is supposed to mean, but to me it says, if paradise is going to be perfect and last forever then we better enjoy these “imperfect times” while they last.
    They say that Paradise will be perfect
    with lots of clear white wine
    and all the beautiful women.
    We hold on to times like this then,
    since this is how it’s going to be.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I like the poem, it fits my present mood, I would agree that the bad times can be valuable, depending on the lessons learned, I just want to put those lesson into practise without feeling I’m just hopping in a circle.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. lizzie1322 says:

    My therapist always tells me you can’t move on to the next chapter if you keep rereading the last one, but when you are engulfed by depression its hard not to look back. Then looking forward is impossible too! The only thing you can do is try and focus on now, on getting through 1 day at a time. And remember you aren’t alone 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • She is right, I seem to have regressed lately as my mood has spiralled downwards, it just seems easier somehow rather than dealing with the present, to which the solutions are few.

      I will get back on track, I need to, then it’s baby steps again.

      Thanks for your comment:)

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Cat says:

    Facing each day positively is easier said than done and sometimes all the self affirmations about happy days will make little difference. I hope the doc appointment went okay today

    Liked by 1 person

    • Positivity sucks, well not really, just there are time when I feel that I’m setting myself up for more failure, it mocks me!

      The happy days are few and far between, I’ve been here before and I know I can pull out of it, but just lack the inclination for the fight, even though I know I must get back in the saddle as it were.

      Thanks as always x:)

      Like

      • Cat says:

        But, it’s good to try not to beat ourselves up for feeling shit in the first place. It does pass, but we can learn a lot and grow from our down times

        Liked by 1 person

      • Beating ourselves up is par for the course, but your right is solves nothing.

        I’m all for learning and grown, but need help to do so:) I’ll get there eventually.

        Like

      • Cat says:

        What is music to my ears right now is hearing you say, “you need help to do so” you deserve it just as much as I do and I cannot ask for better. But, we need to push through the shit before we get to the good stuff. Still, foot in the door is a good start and putting an end to you ‘housing crisis’ would help immensely.

        Liked by 1 person

      • My recent post explains about the visit to the GP, lets just say there is a spark of hope.:)

        Liked by 1 person

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