Looking Into A Mirror

b-_beauty_fades-190491I’m still feeling pretty down, and it doesn’t seem to be lifting significantly, just as well I have my mask to hide me from view otherwise I’d scare people away(poor attempt at humour).

I have an appointment with the GP next, also I’m off for the rest of the week, which will give me time to attempt to deal with my other problems, which include my financial state and ongoing homelessness(flat sitting presently, which ends in early September) with autumn just around the corner I need to try to get somewhere more permanent, and perhaps between my GP and me I might be able to use ongoing health issues to throw myself on someones mercy.

As usual I’ve been doing some soul-searching, have come up with nothing the well is dry,so switching topics in my head I thought about my health and the toll it has taken over the last 10 years.

My conclusion was that Mental Health,homelessness are not beauty treatments, and on closer inspection it seems to have wreaked havoc on my face and body, which at 50 will be hard to get back to what it once was.

Firstly I’m diabetic (for a chocoholic sugar has become my enemy) I don’t always mange this disease very well and can often have hypos (which means my sugar levels plummet) also this for me is brought on by stress which I seem to be in a constant state of.

I’m anemic which makes me tired and breathless, even though I take prescribed iron tablets, I find them too strong and suffer all the effects of the side effects listed(I’ll talk about that next week at the docs,)

Menopausal, which brings hot flushes, night sweats, general homicidal irritability, my hormones are all over the place and my moods, well they run the emotional gamut.

Homeless which brings its own stress, feelings of isolation, loss of connection, motivation, and general hopelessness.

Depressed, and when you include all of the above you could pretty much say I’m falling apart at the seams, and it shows in my face and body.

I always had pretty clear skin and even when nearing 50 so few lines, now I get spots, my skin is dry and flaky, the lines are deepening and huge dark rings around my eyes.

My weight fluctuates, often in direct association to how much money I have and if I have facilities to cook,  stress levels,I can eat at work but it’s the same thing day in day out, I’m grateful that I have that, but need to eat more healthily especially veg and fruit, to keep up my vitamin levels.

I’ve never been slim but not over weight either as a general rule I don’t have body issues, I like my food, and have always though lycra was the greatest invention ever, but when your feeling like crap all the time, you tend to focus more on what it all looks like to others and as we know some people are  not backwards in coming forwards to tell you how you look.

I realise when people talk that why it says more about them they have to demean you to elevate themselves, to deflect from their own flaws, does that make them ugly or insecure, some days I switch between the two.

I very much lament the loss of some of my looks I don’t mind getting older, however there seems to be no wisdom in my lines, the extra weight I carry, just a ghost of what I once was which haunts me each time I look in the mirror a reminder of what this illness can do to you, I can recover from illness, to have a home again, but cannot regain  my glow as it were another thing to accept but not with misgivings, or even resignation, but one day in the hopes I will reflect my journey and the peace I found on the way.

I found this article today:https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200207/when-depression-hurts

 

 

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About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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17 Responses to Looking Into A Mirror

  1. I’m sorry you’re struggling so much. I wish you all the best.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Sorry that you are still struggling. Hopefully the appointment you have with your GP next week will be helpful x

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m hoping to at least get some of my other health issues sorted to, I think it all contributes, I just need to get back on track.
      hope your doing ok? x

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      • I agree. A lot of factors do contribute.

        I’m ok thank you. Not sleeping very well at the moment which is frustrating x

        Liked by 1 person

      • Sleep sadly or lack of is one of the more annoying traits of MH, I just read or listen to music, until I feel tired again, even if I only doze for a couple of hours it’s better than nothing, but a habit that I need to break.

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      • I have had to doze on the couch with Walter a few times this week. It doesn’t last long though as Walter will wake me up. I have been reading at night before I go to sleep which helps at times x

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Cat says:

    Sometimes we don’t see the things we’ve gained until we’re out of the shit. I am keeping all hopes pinned on the Gp being able to help or refer you somewhere that can

    Liked by 1 person

    • Depression aside, I would be happier if I can do something about the other issues, it’s just one less thing to worry about, although it all contributes to my general sense of wellbeing.

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      • Cat says:

        Your general wellbeing would come on leaps and bounds if only you can get the housing crisis sorted. You’ve come through more than most could bear it’s hardly surprising it takes its toll. I am glad you have the housesitting until Sept, at least you can chill indoors whenever you can’t find the strength to wear that mask!

        Liked by 1 person

      • it helps a great deal, I’m also off next week which gives me time to do the rounds, but I’ll see if I can get help from the GP, that might push me further up the queue.

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      • Cat says:

        Good luck, I’m rooting for you, but don’t get discouraged when you have to push the GP and beyond for a service that will help. They’re not easy and those who shout loudest seem to get more priority, which is wrong, but sadly the case in my experience

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’m going to give it my best, and yes a change of tatics is much needed..onwards!

        Liked by 1 person

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    Liked by 1 person

  5. Shrewed Up says:

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    Liked by 1 person

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