The last 3-4 weeks have been quite tough mentally apart from when I have to work I’ve been retreating more and more from daily life, my days off are just spent aimlessly wandering the internet or watching mindless tv programs on the internet.
Each week it seems apathy grows larger and there doesn’t seem to be a thing I can do about it, and frankly I don’t want to.
This week it hit home I haven’t been very well I seem to have caught a summer cold bug which has wiped me out adding to my listlessness and making me very tired so much so even though I have slept but for a few hours at a time, truth be told I just feel crappy and a little fearful of my moods.
Having gone through this before you’d think I’d know the signs, and try to be mindful and filling myself with positive thoughts and actions, I’m of the opinion they don’t work, well only as a sticking plaster at best and even then…..
In my head I’ve written several blog posts but when it comes time to type, my fingers hover over the keyboard which has suddenly become alien, which then brings me to tears as this is my one outlet where I can truly be myself, or at least let go of what is inside.
I’m flat sitting presently and have not left it;s confines for 3 days, I usually crave solitude but being unwell and alone has brought back many fears of isolation which are self-imposed, though that seems to follow my pattern, of not allowing myself to be a part of the outside world, it’s safer in here, though I’m not running from anything except as usual from me and my problems.
So much for almost 3 years of recovery to so easily fall back into old behaviours and just simply giving up, I feel as though I’ve painted myself into a corner, trying so hard to resolve my homelessness issue and just getting know where, not even a glimmer, I’m tired of scanning the papers, tired of talking to various agencies, tired of the going to the local council housing office, tired of hearing the word No, I think it’s stamped on my forehead, tired of rejection and in the end the it appears the only thing I can do is reject myself.
I’m back at work tomorrow and was so tempted to call in sick but can’t afford to, it’s also hard to work with people who think that depression equates madness, and sometimes they treat me though I mentally deficient, I don’t blame them they are just unaware of how depression can affect your life, and I’m too tired to fight their ineptness at understanding this subject, so I plaster a huge smile on face and pretend everything is Ok when all I want to do is curl up and cry.
I call the GP to make an appointment for next week, to see what can be done, deep down I know this present situation can’t continue, though the thoughts running along side it, is that I’m past caring, which brings on another bout of tears, as I know I must care, but for right now I just want to wallow in my misery.