When Apathy Visits

indexI wrote in my last post that things are not going to well with me currently, I feel I’m sliding back down that slippery slope into the rabbit hole.

The last 3-4 weeks have been quite tough mentally apart from when I have to work I’ve been retreating more and more from daily life, my days off are just spent aimlessly wandering the internet or watching mindless tv programs on the internet.

Each week it seems apathy grows larger and there doesn’t seem to be a thing I can do about it, and frankly I don’t want to.

This week it hit home I haven’t been very well I seem to have caught a summer cold bug which has wiped me out adding to my listlessness and making me very tired so much so even though I have slept but for a few hours at a time, truth be told I just feel crappy and a little fearful of my moods.

Having gone through this before you’d think I’d know the signs, and try to be mindful and filling myself with positive thoughts and actions, I’m of the opinion they don’t work, well only as a sticking plaster at best and even then…..

In my head I’ve written several blog posts but when it comes time to type, my fingers hover over the keyboard which has suddenly become alien, which then brings me to tears as this is my one outlet where I can truly be myself, or at least let go of what is inside.

I’m flat sitting presently and have not left it;s confines for 3 days, I usually crave solitude but being unwell and alone has brought back many fears of isolation which are self-imposed, though that seems to follow my pattern, of not allowing myself to be a part of the outside world, it’s safer in here, though I’m not running from anything except as usual from me and my problems.

So much for almost 3 years of recovery to so easily fall back into old behaviours and just simply giving up, I feel as though I’ve painted myself into a corner, trying so hard to resolve my homelessness issue and just getting know where, not even a glimmer, I’m tired of scanning the papers, tired of talking to various agencies, tired of the going to the local council housing office, tired of hearing the word No, I think it’s stamped on my forehead, tired of rejection and in the end the it appears the only thing I can do is reject myself.

I’m back at work tomorrow and was so tempted to call in sick but can’t afford to, it’s also hard to work with people who think that depression equates madness, and sometimes they treat me though I mentally deficient, I don’t blame them they are just unaware of how depression can affect your life, and I’m too tired to fight their ineptness at understanding this subject, so I plaster a huge smile on face and pretend everything is Ok when all I want to do is curl up and cry.

I call the GP to make an appointment for next week, to see what can be done, deep down I know this present situation can’t continue, though the thoughts running along side it, is that I’m past caring, which brings on another bout of tears, as I know I must care, but for right now I just want to wallow in my misery.

 

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About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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28 Responses to When Apathy Visits

  1. thefeatheredsleep says:

    It is not so what to those years of recovery. They COUNT. You count. This is a slump. It is NOT failure. It is NOT weakness. It is NOT your fault. You can keep going. You will keep going. Cut yourself some slack you are not a robot. See what you have done that you feel was good for you. Hold on to it. Step by step. Without blame. You will do it again. Xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    • One side of me knows this, but the reality is where I’m at now mentally, and I can’t really see a way out, all just seems hopeless.

      I keep thinking that if each day I just get up and do what I need to do, it will in time begin to recede, but for now the best option is to let it take it;s course, then try again.

      Thank you so much for your comment, its appreciated,:)

      Liked by 1 person

      • thefeatheredsleep says:

        You are right. Sometimes letting it recede is all we can do, but even that is something. Depression is a powerful hypnotic but keep your head above water because you will find the shore and you will not feel this way forever. It feels like you will but you won’t. Concentrate on getting through this hour, this day. Don’t overwhelm yourself with more. Small steps are every not as able to get you out of a hole. And you will. You are not alone. Many of us have felt like you do. There is nothing wrong with you. And you DO matter. Hugs xxx

        Liked by 2 people

      • Thank you again for your kind words, I’ll have to go back to baby steps to get back on an even keel, I’m just trying not to let it all overwhelm me.

        Liked by 1 person

      • thefeatheredsleep says:

        That’s the best way of avoiding being overwhelmed. Don’t apologize to anyone for what you need to get to a better place. Unless they have walked in your shoes they cannot know. I wish you love and healing and I send you hugs xx

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Gale Wright says:

    I seem to have the best healing results when I allow the emotions to surface and exist, even the “negative” ones. These are not likeable feelings you are having and they seem not to be going away, but letting them have their existence is far better than trying to cover them, stifle them, repress them, etc. At work, you may not have options, but on your own, in the apartment, you do have the choice to let them have life for awhile. It opens pathways in your mind and heart that will still be there when the “good” thoughts and emotions come along. Letting the hard emotions “be” actually weakens them in the long run. This is my take on it after nearly three years off all medications. I cannot work, but then I think my “job” is for me to get better. And this is the thing that shows the most promise for real healing–allowing all emotions to be experienced whenever possible and going from there.

    Liked by 2 people

    • You raise really good points, for months and months i’ve been trying to deal with everything all at once and not allowing myself the space to process the various emotions attributed to it all.

      It appears going back to the drawing board and dealing with one problem at a time instead of rushing in and doing my superwoman act(it rarely works).

      As I said in another comment baby steps, I don’t mind the negative coming to the surface, and it gives me a chance to dispose of them, to allow clearer thinking, I just wish sometimes I could leave square one.

      Thank you for your insightful feedback, it always helps to give me clarity x

      Liked by 1 person

      • Gale Wright says:


        I do know how hard it is to feel stuck or like you’re beginning all over again for the umpteenth time. It is so hard and discouraging. The thing is, you are slowly healing and there will come a time when it will be measurable by you. Maybe that time is now or else it is coming very soon.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I suppose in some ways I’ve reached a crossroads, now it’s about making the best choice, I think for now I shall just push it all into a corner to take the pressure off.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. lizzie1322 says:

    I’m so sorry things aren’t going well at the moment, and I know you probably feel disappointed but remember recovery isn’t a straight line it has set backs. Sometimes you do just need to cry and there’s no shame in letting your emotions out. Well done on going to work, I know that can be really hard to carry on like normal when you want to hide away. It shows how you are a strong person, stronger than you think
    πŸ™‚
    Don’t be too hard on yourself depression isn’t easy and it takes time to pull yourself back up x

    Like

  4. It can be hard to do anything to help yourself when you are at such a low point. You really are an inspiration to myself and I’m sure a lot of people here on wordpress. It’s ok that you’re struggling. Just don’t be so hard on yourself. You are in exceptional circumstances right now and the fact you are still getting up for work each morning is a testament to how strong a person you are. I’m always here if you ever need to talk to someone x

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks, you know yourself, some days/weeks it just all gets to be too much, and it all crowds in on you.

      I try to be strong, although it’s natural for me to be strong for others whilst pushing my own issues into the background, I need to learn the difference and put it into to practise.

      Thanks you for your kind words they always give me a lift:) x

      Liked by 1 person

      • We are so alike. I put my own health at risk by putting on a strong facade when I am crumbling inside. Take care and be kind to yourself x

        Liked by 1 person

      • I get that I take too many risks with my mental health something I swore I wouldn’t take for granted again, and here I am!!!

        Hard to see the positives and if it wasn’t for this blog and the community here, I think i would have gone under much sooner.

        Thanks again xx

        Liked by 1 person

  5. matterstosam says:

    Hello. I’m sorry you’re so down. Just found your blog through your twitter, this is the first post I’ve read from you. You seem strong and like you’re very articulate and intelligent. I know how it is knowing you need to use coping skills and what might work but often it feels like nothing works and it’s just like total crap hating depression especially when no one gets it. Please just keep writing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hello and welcome:)

      The coping skills I have I think need updating, or I just can’t be bothered to try,it’s kinda damned if i do damned if I don’t.

      Things have come pretty much to a standstill, and right now doing nothing seems to be the best option, hopefully I can regroup, and try different tactic, but only dealing with one thing at a time.

      Thanks for your comment, it’s much appreciated.:)

      Like

  6. This sounds exactly like me, the self hatred that comes from apathy (no I did not just have to google the definition) is unbearable

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hello and welcome:)

      I’m not quite at the point of self hatred(though have been there before) but still I just feel pretty useless, with many question and no answers.

      Thank you for commenting πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  7. JC says:

    I remember when I first was diagnosed with PD. I would come home eat a bowl of Rasin Bran and for most of the night watch youtube for hours on end… mostly on music, everything from Dylan to Miles Davis. Then when I was tired of that, it was biographies and documentaries. From there it was British classic films from the 30’s and 40’s. The more I watched the more of a slacker I felt like. But I didn’t want to do anything about it. I would have beaten someone down with a broom if they would have tried. Slowly I got myself out the door and into the world again. But the thing is that now I look back upon that time with a kind of fondness. I needed to crawl into my space and forget about the world. The only decision to be made was whether to watch a bio on Jimi Hendricks or Now Voyager. I guess once you know what is happening you can embrace it for what it is. As the Buddha said, donot destroy the worst in you for it just might be the best part.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Films and books, walking have always been my escapes, as I can let the nothingness wash over me.

      I think I need to retreat, so I can start to think clearly, everything has just got all mixed up together and I’ve lost my way, and the cracks are begining to show.

      I need a new path, with a more measured clarity, and of course my old friend hope.

      Thanks for sharing and your insightful feedback πŸ™‚ x

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Cat says:

    Summer colds are the worst and there is absolutely nothing wrong with “wallowing in misery.” I understand being fearful of our moods, we’ve been there before and can’t imagine anything worse than going back to “old behaviours.” The thing is, old behaviour are part of the old person and we have changed regardless of how shit we might feel right now. This doesn’t mean we suddenly unravel all the things we learned about ourselves through previous bouts of depression. It’s easy to surround ourselves with positive thoughts and actions when our mood is strong enough to push forward. As far as I’m concerned, it’s hardly surprising you feel so low and hopeless/helpless. You have come through more than most of us could and you never seem to give up trying and hoping. You’re right, this can’t go on and it’s time you got what you’re entitled to. Sometimes the best we can do for ourselves is ask for help. Good luck with your Doc appointment

    Liked by 2 people

    • your right going back to old behaviours, is the old person and I have moved on from that point, the bottom line is that I need help and cannot continue to struggle alone(that is a behaviour that I find the hardest to change).

      I’ve used up all my energy and feel pretty useless as I’m still standing in the same spot, and all the trying has actually made me feel ill and confused about what to do next.

      I’ll be phoning on Monday and take it from there.

      Your comments are such a help, and for that I thank you πŸ™‚ x

      Like

      • Cat says:

        It’s sad to know you are feeling this way, but I must admit, I am so glad to hear you say that you need help because, as I said before, you deserve it just as much as the next person. The help is out there for sure, but we need to push for it. I almost gave up a few years ago, but in the end, it came down to my own survival. I am not usually a kick and scream sort of person, but we need to make ourselves heard above the rest. That can be hard to do when our mood’s on the floor, but quiet persistence works just as well. I’ll be watchin out for any updates

        Liked by 1 person

      • Under normal circumstances you can hear me a mile away lol, but the fight is gone so Monday will be the first step in me allowing myself to be helped, woo hoo.

        Like

      • Cat says:

        I hope things went okay today

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thanks I have an appointment for next Tuesday…..so until, but do feel slightly better for calling:)

        Like

      • Cat says:

        Nice one!

        Liked by 1 person

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