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I haven’t blogged much lately, though I think I’m up to date with comments etc on my readers list.
In the UK we’ve been having a mini heat wave, which has been far too hot for me and brings on my hay fever, watery eyes and sneezing are not much fun.
Saying that, our local erected a big screen in our local park to show the Wimbledon fortnight, so with heavy doses of antihistamine and dark glasses, I’ve manged to watch most of the matches this week, they even had a mini bar, ice cream stall, the atmosphere has been fantastic, and great to see people enjoying the matches.
As much as i like tennis and athletics the conversation always gets around to (how much money they make) and the amount of training they have to do in order to be in peak condition to ultimately win.
I’m drawing on that correlation on what it takes to win, I feel that in my own life in particular, it wasn’t so much that I was encouraged to my best and hopefully win, but wonder if I ever had that kind of will to win at life.
It’s seems to be an insurmountable challenge what does wining at life mean, does it mean being successful, having money, family, or just knowing how to be happy, and all of those components add up to being a winner.
Is there a secret formula, I know about failure and disappointment, is that to be my destiny or can I find the will to win again I had those tools a long time ago and they just seemed to turn to dust in my hands and there was little I could do about it, that fire that burned so bright in my belly, went out and there were not even embers left in which I could reignite my life.
I am in recovery from depression and I still have days when it seems that it might engulf me all over again, and somehow I manage to fight back, however some days it just feels like I’m fighting not to slide back into depression, it’s a full time job, being mindful and talking myself out of falling into the rabbit hole, I’m still dealing with homelessness which at the best of times just leaves me numb as each week I do the rounds and hear only “no we can’t help you”
Watching the tennis balls going back and forth, each player fighting to get the ball over the net and trying to stay within the line to win the point, it seems I serve only to either hit the net or overshot so that the ball is out, sometimes I’d like to fire of an ace and win a point outright, a small victory, but I think one that opens the door a little wider, a chance to light that longed burned out flame.
I always seem to be going over the same ground, recovery in some aspects is not all it’s cracked up to be, yes I’m mentally well and I’m very grateful for that, but what seemed like the road to back to life,hasn’t been, well not in the way I imagined, and again I’ve lost faith in myself and my abilities to overcome and to be frank I think deep down I don’t want to and that frightens me, and am relying on the idea of one tiny victory to restore my chances of wining at life.