When The Will To Win Is Lost

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I haven’t blogged much lately, though I think I’m up to date with comments etc on my readers list.

In the UK we’ve been having a mini heat wave, which has been far too hot for me and brings on my hay fever, watery eyes and sneezing are not much fun.

Saying that, our local erected a big screen  in our local park to show the Wimbledon fortnight, so with heavy doses of antihistamine and dark glasses, I’ve manged to watch most of the matches this week, they even had a mini bar, ice cream stall, the atmosphere has been fantastic, and great to see people enjoying the matches.

As much as i like tennis and athletics the conversation always gets around to (how much money they make) and the amount of training they have to do in order to be in peak condition to ultimately win.

I’m drawing on that correlation on what it takes to win, I feel that in my own life in particular, it wasn’t so much that I was encouraged to my best and hopefully win, but wonder if I ever had that kind of will to win at life.

It’s seems to be an insurmountable challenge what does wining at life mean, does it mean being successful, having money, family, or just knowing how to be happy, and all of those components add up to being a winner.

Is there a secret formula, I know about failure and disappointment, is that to be my destiny or can I find the will to win again I had those tools a long time ago and they just seemed to turn to dust in my hands and there was little I could do about it, that fire that burned so bright in my belly, went out and there were not even embers left in which I could reignite my life.

I am in recovery from depression and I still have days when it seems that it might engulf me all over again, and somehow I manage to fight back, however some days it just feels like I’m fighting not to slide back into depression, it’s a full time job, being mindful and talking myself out of falling into the rabbit hole, I’m still dealing with homelessness which at the best of times just leaves me numb as each week I do the rounds and hear only “no we can’t help you”

Watching the tennis balls going back and forth, each player fighting to get  the ball over the net and trying to stay within the line to win the point, it seems I serve only to either hit the net or overshot so that the ball is out, sometimes I’d like to fire of an ace and win a point outright, a small victory, but I think one that opens the door a little wider, a chance to light that longed burned out flame.

I always seem to be going over the same ground, recovery in some aspects is not all it’s cracked up to be, yes I’m mentally well and I’m very grateful for that, but what seemed like the road to back to life,hasn’t been, well not in the way I imagined, and again I’ve lost faith in myself and my abilities to overcome and to be frank I think deep down I don’t want to and that frightens me, and am relying on the idea of one tiny victory to restore my chances of wining at life.


About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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5 Responses to When The Will To Win Is Lost

  1. I can fully understand that deep down feeling of not being sure…I experience that one coming up out of it’s burial plot, to smack me in the face again.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Cat says:

    Our London Temps haven’t been too bad lately. As long as it stays below 85, I consider us lucky. Did you hear what temps we should expect end July, start Aug? 98 maybe even 100. I will die. We’ve so much smog and humidity, it suffocates us slowly.

    Being successful to most does mean money, nice family, and happiness, although the first two don’t necessarily give us a ticket to happiness. When we’re on our deathbeds, what will we wish we had done the most, worked harder? Made more money and had nice possessions or made better friends?

    Sometimes I wonder if we put too much emphasis on the word happiness. As though we must achieve it or our lives have been worthless, but can we maintain happiness? Maybe contentment and knowing ourselves might be a better route to “success.” I read something similar to this on someone else’s blog lately, I hope I’m not repeating myself repeating myself

    I completely understand about losing faith in self, no longer believing in our abilities or our stamina to change things significantly. It all seems to require so much strength and effort and that’s not in bountiful supply right now. I’ve no words of wisdom, but sometimes it’s good enough to know someone else is experiencing similar. Oh this is a mini-post!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t mind a mini post:) I think the word happy is used to much and seems to cover a myriad of things, I do prefer contentment, but that can seem to laid back and action seems to be always required.

      I always believed had work was the route to success, happiness was never mentioned just assumed, and for me I think that’s where I went wrong I was happy with success, but not happy with me, I didn’t achieve that balance and now I don’t know how to.

      I think in shared experiences we can find the way to balance, we get so tied up in our own cocoon we forget others might be experiencing the same, it always helps to know were not alone.

      Thank you 🙂 x


      • Cat says:

        Maybe happiness is striving.

        I used to immerse in work 24/7 just to avoid thinking. Shared experience is everything and blogging fits perfectly.

        Liked by 1 person

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