Paying For Selfishness

index20I’ve through a couple of breakdowns the last being the most severe, now in recovery, one of the things I learned was to like myself again, or to be a little selfish to preserve your new-found mental stability, apparently it’s allowed who knew that saying no was healthy certainly not me.

I recently wrote here about a friendship that has to end, and it brought home to me, not only the narcissistic traits of this person, but also the mind-blowing selfishness of their daily actions not only towards me, and when I broached the subject to them, their reaction was that it is all my fault, that they act that way, they of course have never done anything that could construe not being a good friend.

I begged to differ pointing out several instances that were/are no longer acceptable to me, also explaining during my initial depressed and homeless state, I saw them as a life line, and they perhaps saw me as someone who was weak, and at the start bolstered me with hope and kindness only to slowly chip away at that structure to make me dependent on their friendship, but in their warped thinking I gave them permission to abuse me.

I’ve come across many like this through my lifetime, and they come in all shapes and sizes, some, so lack any emotional intelligence as to be bankrupt, others it appears feed off your misery, to give them and you the illusion of being your only friend, when in fact they’re your frenemy, and it brings back feelings of inadequacy which can have a damaging effect on your ongoing recovery.

What I loathe the most is to be made to feel that I owe them something and this is highlighted constantly in subtle way, which your always apologising for, and,try to repay in others way, which really is a road to nowhere it’s a debt that can never be repaid, as they play semantics over what it is that you owe them for, you see how this works it just keeps you off-balance.

There have been several instances when I’ve blown up over certain things, only to have them behave in a reasonable manner, which basically means it was all in my head, after all I’m a depressive and prone to emotional outbursts and unclear thinking, you know in your heart of hearts that it’s wrong, but for some reason you just capitulate to their way of thinking, which in turn makes you angrier and a little more impotent.

What I have come to realise is that although I am a people pleaser, I mean that in terms if some asks for help I can’t say no, however I’m not one who suffers fools at all, but do have trouble separating those who have good intent, to those that don’t.

When thinking about the alleged debts of friendship owed it is obvious to me now I don’t owe anybody anything.

Which brings me to what we don’t owe anybody:

When some one does you a good deed:

I owe you thanks for what you have done, and the knowledge that the thanks are appreciated, what I don’t I owe is a life long debt of gratitude, if you give with the intention to get motives to give weren’t that pure in the first place.

Explanations:

I owe you a reason for asking for help, however when a detailed explanation is required in which to beat me over the head with later, gives the message that again your intention to help is only to gain a reason in which to have a hold over me.

Confidences:

I may confide you in certain aspects of my life, however just because were friends doesn’t mean I owe you my privacy, you don’t need to know everything about me, and in subtle ways use it against me.

Desicion making:

I don’t owe a reason as to why I make/made certain decisions about my life, at the end of the day I can only do what is best for me, although another view point is always valuable, but to get annoyed because you weren’t included in that process doesn’t mean you should retract your friendship.

What I owe you is  respect for your support given either as one instance or ongoing, which I can show you in many ways, and when I say thank you be assured it’s from the heart, with good friends I don’t owe you for every deed, and if you’re keeping score that makes you in my mind makes you very poor in humanity, we do what we can if we can and if you can’t that doesn’t make you a bad person, nor should it subject us to acts of selfishness, because it’s thought that one is owed something.

3c3a84b92b43af2492f997aa6003ff64Lastly when dealing with mental illness believe me we can’t really beat ourselves up and can live in a terrible cycle of blame and recrimination, I have learned that I owe it to myself to do the best I can, so yes I can be selfish in that.

 

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About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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10 Responses to Paying For Selfishness

  1. Cat says:

    I like “freneemy” and, boy, I’ve had my fair share. I think, when we grow up in narc environments, we seem to attract them in our adult lives. However, once we start healing and seeing things for what they really are, I do so much hope we stop attracting the narcs into our lives!

    Years ago, I used to treat a friend to nights out and even weekends away. When I went through a rough patch, he treated me to a couple of nights clubbing, but at the end of the night, he would tell me how much he had spent and asked when I could pay for my share.

    If we were children, they would control with fear and manipulation, but as adults, they resort to debts of different kinds. If confronted, they will act all reasonable and understanding just to reinforce, actually, it’s you who’s nuts 🙂

    You could’ve titled that list, “4 ways you can spot a narc friend”

    Liked by 1 person

    • Idid think about changing the title, but wanted to focus on their selfishness, but can write many many blog posts about their behaviour lol they supply so much of what is wrong with people.

      I agree fear and manipulation are also their stock in trade, have you noticed, that when you or others see them for what they reall are they tend to back off, unfortunately the rest of us can take years to free ourselves from their tyranny.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Howto$tuffYourPig says:

    YOU are your number one responsibility! Never forget that! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. JC says:

    There’s a saying, ‘you have to be selfish in order to be selfless.’ Take care of yourself first then you can give to others. And if the others take advantage, which a true friend would never, then “run”!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I like the word “frenemies.” It certainly describes some people I’ve come across in my life. But when I was recovering from my worst depression, no one was there. You can’t pretend to understand what I’m going through, unless you’ve been there yourself. Being institutionalized, in and out of group homes, not to mention all the psych units I’ve spent time in, I still came up empty in the friendship department, as well as losing my job twice. It’s a long, lonely road we travel – but there is a culmination point! Once I started changing, so did everyone else. Imagine that!

    Liked by 1 person

    • that’s exactly the point they don’t know, and unless they’re willing to listen and learn, they will always be suspicious of your illness, even when it’s clear to see your ill.

      I agree the road is very lonely, but once you do start to let people in to help there is an improvement, in that you share the burden.

      Thanks as always for your insightful feedback:)

      Liked by 1 person

  5. nemyawaiting says:

    Well said! I’m glad that you’ve arrived at this place. It’s so hard but it’s so necessary.

    “I saw them as a life line, and they perhaps saw me as someone who was weak, and at the start bolstered me with hope and kindness only to slowly chip away at that structure to make me dependent on their friendship…” — this was chilling. I have yet to write about my relationship with my best friend’s family but you’ve hit on some of the same notes. Not only did I subject myself to their abuses for years, but even after I physically detached myself from them I still was haunted emotionally and for 10+ years. These days I’m just like “eh, who needs ‘em!”

    So good for you! You deserve better…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for your feedback.

      There comes a time when you have to say “enough” otherwise you drown in their toxicity.

      We alsi have to remember we as humans also have needs, that were also important.

      Some people sadly never get that.

      Like

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