Defining Myself

11295704_749311125173823_49202576552915198_nOver the past month or so I’ve been yet again reflecting on my life and, what is it that defines me I seem to be coming up short.

I had to go a long way back to find the girl who turned into the woman I see before me, who doesn’t seem to have any definition, not in real terms and makes me wonder if somehow I made myself up in my head and projected who I thought I was.

I’ll try to explain, I think whilst growing u in a single parent household with a mother who constantly found fault I became a people pleaser and it was not until many years later I realised what it meant, as I got older I couldn’t stand people to think that I was a failure so I always tried harder, too hard as it turned out.

In my own little world I was superwoman, ambitious, outspoken, the life and soul of everything, if you had a problem come to me and I’d take it on for you, you wanted someone to listen I became that ear and more always going the extra yard, if work wasn’t going well I’d start earlier leave later, always these extremes of trying to gain approval of being a good friend a good employee, and within all of that I didn’t much care if people liked me, I just wanted them to acknowledge that I was selfless in my support of them.

When I look back I can see clearly how overpowering that must have been, and no wonder no one asked if I was Ok, because I projected this persona that I was fine, I will say that I never used that against anyone though sometimes feeling a little aggrieved that my efforts were not always appreciated, so it just made me try harder, this was a very unhealthy vicious circle, because if truth be told I was afraid to let anyone down, saying no wasn’t part of my vocabulary.

images81So I defined myself in those terms, it was my raison_ d’être, and gradually I lost that spark that made me who I was, the trouble is now is finding out who I am now and because of the circumstance with my situation, I’ve become a people pleaser again, because now I need something,(a home) though this time around it more specific, and trying not to let my mental health and homeless state define who I am, but it does, as both carry stigma, and in that you are alone, and both can take many years to overcome.

Though in recovery from one area(depression) the other is still ongoing and the need to redefine who I am has taken on a greater importance, I don’t just want to please people, or work my fingers to the bone, I’ve done a lot of rebuilding and think I now need an extension where happiness and contentment can live and I can finally be just me.

How do you define yourself?

 

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About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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8 Responses to Defining Myself

  1. JC says:

    I know what you mean; I use to be the one to try and please everyone and then wonder why I didn’t feel content. Well, I was leaving me out of the people I needed to please. Then I had a relationship and was sucked dry of everything. I remember shutting the door, knowing I didn’t have a key to go back and I left and I was afraid, but I felt good. Then I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s and it was PD which showed me how to take care of me, first. I guess I had no choice. Then I found mindfulness meditation and learned contentment and happiness. I learned that these things were in me all along. I just needed to get out of the way.

    You are finding your way. I hear it in your questioning.

    Liked by 2 people

    • You hit the point, you are just sucked dry, with nothing left to give, and in a strange way that disappoints others, without them realising you’ve hit a brick wall.

      Relationships are tricky at best, however if it isn’t working leaving is the only option you have left and when I’ve done that I feel so much lighter.

      Dealing with Parkinsons must so challenging, and meditation must be really helpful, I do try mindfulness but with so much going on I find it hard to relax.

      Thanks for your feedback 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Woah…. Truest thing I’ve read! I’ve been in that position, I’ve been a people please,but it got to the point where I eventually stopped and took a breath. When I did this I realised that everyone around me were reaping the benefits but I had run myself down, physically and mentally, to be able to get them to that point. I had to take a step back and do me for a while… This hasn’t worked out so far, so maybe we should define ourselves as people pleasers for the sake of ourselves and others… Or we can still wonder and ponder the idea that we can be something completely different.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think I’ll always want to please other, but will now have to find the balance so I don’t get left out, which takes time to get into that mindset, I’m aware, I just need to put it into practise.

      Thanks for your comment.

      Like


  3. Hmmmm… throughout my life I’ve had a restlessness that I’ve found hard to define or explain… except to say that I’ve never been truly happy with my lot. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happier than I’ve ever been… but I know there are certain things I need in life in order to be happy.
    Some, like love, are basics. Some people can live alone though and although I enjoy my own company, the novelty soon wears off. I need more.
    I need the stars. I still dream of the day when I can go outside with my telescope and simply have my mind blown away, just by looking at the stars. Even in light polluted Los Angeles, when I look at the stars through my telescope, I feel like a part of my soul is literally exploring the universe.
    Something new for me (over the past year or so, actually) has been something of a very unexpected and wonderful relevation for me… one day, some months ago, as I Skyped with my son, I realised just how much I love it when he calls me Dad. Somehow, despite the billions of fathers in the world, it just feels like something very special and unique between him and me.
    Other things would be music, books, movies, sunshine, snow and thunderstorms… and when I can’t experience them but I truly miss them…
    Lastly, I know a lot of my restlessness is creative in nature. I have to create, usually through writing, and I go through phases of writing. A few years ago it was my blog, a few years before that it was screenplays… right now it’s astronomy books (which I’m actually able to make some pocket change from.)
    I’m always moving, mentally and spiritually… and somehow, I suspect, if the day were to ever come when my mind and soul were to stop wandering, I’d probably be quite bored LOL

    Liked by 1 person

    • It must be magical to have tat connection with your son, and it makes a lot of things worthwhile.
      I’m also restless there is so much i want to do, but have no stepping stone as it were to explore the the things i want to do, but it’s also best for now that I keep grounded, I miss my book, movies all the things that gave me joy and peace at the same time.

      My blog is my connection to the outside world, and as I get to know many in the community here, it gives me a sense of pride that others actually read my words and are sometimes moved by them, but ultimately if it helps in some small way, that gives me a sense of achievement. I would love to do more writing and even looking at perhaps doing an e-book and homelesness, (one day)

      My mind moves in so many directions not always on my problems, but feels like I’m grasping at air, but one day I will catch a star and watch me go.

      Like

  4. Cat says:

    “How do you define yourself?” Why does that feel such an impossible question? I am totally with you on being a people pleaser and my reasons are exactly as yours. It was one of my first realisations in therapy. The trouble is, many people think they can take advantage of our “soft” nature and that is one of the first things I had to stamp out of my life. You are in the position that you need to be a pleaser and that is horrible, I remember being in that position and it can feel soul destroying. This homelessness challenge raised a lot of issues for you, many solvable if only you could secure accommodation.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I never thought of myself as a pushover, but the reality is I am, and have had to unlearn that behaviour.

      Yes right now i have to be a people pleaser but have a valid reason for that, however it does make me feel uneasy as though I’m giving away a part of myself.

      I just need that chance to turn things around it will give me a more certain base to start again.

      Thanks x

      Liked by 1 person

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