I had to go a long way back to find the girl who turned into the woman I see before me, who doesn’t seem to have any definition, not in real terms and makes me wonder if somehow I made myself up in my head and projected who I thought I was.
I’ll try to explain, I think whilst growing u in a single parent household with a mother who constantly found fault I became a people pleaser and it was not until many years later I realised what it meant, as I got older I couldn’t stand people to think that I was a failure so I always tried harder, too hard as it turned out.
In my own little world I was superwoman, ambitious, outspoken, the life and soul of everything, if you had a problem come to me and I’d take it on for you, you wanted someone to listen I became that ear and more always going the extra yard, if work wasn’t going well I’d start earlier leave later, always these extremes of trying to gain approval of being a good friend a good employee, and within all of that I didn’t much care if people liked me, I just wanted them to acknowledge that I was selfless in my support of them.
When I look back I can see clearly how overpowering that must have been, and no wonder no one asked if I was Ok, because I projected this persona that I was fine, I will say that I never used that against anyone though sometimes feeling a little aggrieved that my efforts were not always appreciated, so it just made me try harder, this was a very unhealthy vicious circle, because if truth be told I was afraid to let anyone down, saying no wasn’t part of my vocabulary.
So I defined myself in those terms, it was my raison_ d’être, and gradually I lost that spark that made me who I was, the trouble is now is finding out who I am now and because of the circumstance with my situation, I’ve become a people pleaser again, because now I need something,(a home) though this time around it more specific, and trying not to let my mental health and homeless state define who I am, but it does, as both carry stigma, and in that you are alone, and both can take many years to overcome.
Though in recovery from one area(depression) the other is still ongoing and the need to redefine who I am has taken on a greater importance, I don’t just want to please people, or work my fingers to the bone, I’ve done a lot of rebuilding and think I now need an extension where happiness and contentment can live and I can finally be just me.
How do you define yourself?