When Will I Learn My Lessons

images80I’ve not done much blogging lately, because I think I just got a little tired, not of the writing or the community here, mainly because opening up always has that effect on me.

I seem to spend my time just thinking about solutions for what seems to be impossible problems.

My homeless status remains the same I carry my two bags around daily which contain my whole life at the moment and honestly it just feels like a huge chain around my neck, coupled with the fact that I just seem even more tired than usual, the GP prescribed iron tablets, it took a will of iron not to just tell them where to go, I want to discuss my problems which I think is all related, homelessness, anxiety about that has been really wearing me down lately.

Doctors literally have about 3 minutes per patient it seems, so the diagnoses was quick, and again I just feel like I’ve just been left to go it alone.

That word alone keeps creeping into my thoughts, and the truth is I do feel very much alone, as I try my hardest to keep things together, this survival lark isn’t for sissies, it’s a road to nowhere, and I’m running out of road.

I keeping thinking I’ve come so far and learned so many lessons, isn’t it about time this learning paid off, but it seems I have yet more lessons to learn , about myself and am wondering how desperate to things have to be before that one magical elusive lesson all comes together so my life can get back on track.

There has been some improvement, on the work front, I’ve manged to secure a little more freelance work, which means I can save a little more, it will still be a long while before I have I need to, but there again, when you have to buy luxuries like the basic essentials, and even though I don’t pay rent but do have to contribute to utilities, which is more than fair,  but the pounds really don’t stretch that far.

All in all I’m fed up of learning lessons which will improve my lot, I know it sounds trite and in life it’s not something we can actually live without, but just sometimes I wish I could just go from here to there without the inevitable struggle, it’s sapping my strength.

Mentally I’m holding up reasonably well, but on a few occasions I’ve felt a few pangs of being pulled downwards into the lions den as it were and have to be, whilst at this low ebb to be very mindful of myself, that lesson I’ve learned the  really hard way.

Do you ever feel that you need a break from learning your lessons?

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About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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9 Responses to When Will I Learn My Lessons

  1. Gale Wright says:

    I ALWAYS feel that way! I’m always saying, enough already, I get it, I don’t want to learn any more deep and meaningful lessons, I just want to be dumb like the other people who sure seem a lot happier being dumb than I am being such a good “student”. But I know it really doesn’t work that way. That’s the kind of journey I got and there is no switching to an easier one. I figure if I accept it, maybe I won’t waste so much energy and emotion fighting it. Maybe that’ll turn out to be the key.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Cat says:

    I’ve noticed you weren’t blogging much, but that’s not unusual considering the series you just covered on homelessness. GP’s never do have enough time, but iron tablets? really? Do you think antidepressants might help you? Some counselling? Support from some kind of service will also help your homelessness process and it sounds like you could do with some. I think we go on learning those lessons every day of our lives, but yours have been so much around the same difficulties, it’s about time you got a break. Great news on the freelance work, if only you could just get a little more hours that will help you save for accommodation.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m thinking about some additional support re counselling, means having to go back to the GP for a referral! also they might be able to helping the affect this is having on my general health.

      The extra work has come at the right time, and gives me a little wiggle room which eases the pressure somewhat, so that’s a positive.

      Thanks as always for your feedback and advice:) x

      Liked by 1 person

  3. dimdaze says:

    From the time I lost everything around seven years ago until now, it seems like everything has a lesson. I too and so tired of it. I struggle with this constantly. Know that you are not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Losing everthing was so painful, and I’m still dealing with the aftermath, it will I know take time, I’m impatient of still paying for my own folly.

      I just feel I’ve learned and need my life to be in a more secure place, for right now I need this particular lesson to be over.

      Thank you for your comment 🙂

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  4. Yes… I feel like shouting “when is it my turn??” sometimes… but you know, honestly, I know I’m doing okay. I have no reason to complain. I honestly, truly, wish the best for you… you’re not a sponger… you don’t spend all your money on drink, drugs and ciggies… you don’t think the world owes you something just for being here… and folks like you need a break. Unfortunately, no one is willing to give you one.

    If there were some way I could get you a job and a roof over your head then I would… in the meantime, even though I haven’t been around much, know that I think of you often and wish nothing but the very best for you. Be strong.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Brought a tear to my eye, thank you so much always for your heartfelt words.

      Sometimes we try and try and nothing comes of it, and then with me anyway i just put myself under pressure to try even harder, which then means I neglect other areas of my life.

      I think I just get tired of trying to find a balance and solve my problems, but nothing seems to be working, all I need is a chance even the slimmest one, and I’ll make that work, I’ll just have to keep looking, I try to be strong, and that in itself is a full time job, but as long as I’ve got my head up I’ll keep going.

      Nice to hear from you and see you have another book out, and hope all is going well for you.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I understand the frustration… I haven’t been in a situation like yours, but in the past I’ve gone job hunting and have hoped to God someone would just give me a chance…

        I’m constantly writing these days… just not my blog LOL To some extent, my blog has run it’s blog for the time being… I suspect I’ll get back into it again in another couple of years or so.

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      • it’s all I need is a chance, just a tiny one to give me that foundation, hopefully it will come sooner rather than later.

        Thanks as always for your comments x

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