I can’t quite believe it has come down to this, but you see, I feel it’s no longer healthy to have them in my life.
To go back they entered my life at a time when there really was no hope, I was a wreck, and barely hanging on, and they seemed at the time like a gift from the universe,I needed someone and hey presto! they were there.
We grew close quite quickly and they were one of the first I’d told about my homeless status, and what I think really drew me to them, was that there seemed to be no judgement, they were offering friendship only, I didn’t need anything else from them, they were looking too because they’re also broken in a different way, so it seemed like the perfect match.
We talk about anything and everything always in-depth we revealed aspects of our past and compared notes, however it seemed to me that they kind of gloat over my problems, is the only way they could explain it, mine seemed worse than his, and at first there just little comments here and there that seemed off, but not serious enough for me to confront what was said, trouble is this started to become frequent, and we would argue they would apologise and we’d go on, however deep down I knew this wasn’t sitting right with me.
In truth since my depression, my instinct have not been on target, and when you’re at a low point in life you grab onto anything that seems like an anchor and tend not to think about the “why” back in the day I would have most likely steered clear, but that’s by the by now.
The other major problem is my friend has quite a severe drink problem which also wasn’t apparent when we first met, and even worse is an a nasty vindictive aggressive drunk, yeah even I’m rolling my eyes at that one, but having worked within hospitality for many years I can handle drinkers, but when they are close friends you choose your words more carefully when talking about their exploits, though there were times when I’d really go at them, but you see it’s never their fault, it’s the drink…yep go figure.
When I also looked at they’re relationships with others I began to see the pattern, controlling to the point of being abusive, especially with people who can’t fight back, I did many a time and as I explained I don’t need alcohol to fuel my temper, press the right buttons and off I go, they even said to me once “why must I always oppose them” (this sounds like the worst relationship on the planet) I opposed because I didn’t want to be their victim, that was met with angry silence because I’d hit a soft spot, so they were aware of what they were doing.
There were many kindnesses as well and we did support each other during our various trials, the only problem being I had to express gratitude far greater than the support received, which I refused to do, a simple “thank you” is never enough, btw they rarely said thank you and when pointed out it was met with a shrug, there is a true narcissistic for you, I should absolutely be happy that they chose to be friends with me.
The upshot of all of this is that when I really needed them they let me down and I forgave their actions, even though they were going through a pretty rough time, they should have told me and not left me to dangle, whilst I waited for their help, a friend wouldn’t have done that, and that for me was the beginning of the what I might think is the end, and over the last few months there have been several other incidents that have left me open-mouthed in awe of their unacceptable way of treating others, in fact in many aspects the friendship has become tyrannical and I can no longer condone it.
I’ve known in my heart of hearts for a longtime that this association has to end, mentally I’m tougher and feel the old warrior in me rising to the fore, and I’m not that person anymore, but I will not be controlled or take abuse, and that I’ve allowed this for so long goes against everything I believe in how you’re to treat others, my only excuse is that I was caught on a downward spiral and had no defences, and sometimes with so-called friends you just have to call time and go your separate ways.
What are your experiences with friendships that have broken?