1000 Voices Speak: Connections

26f87dd390634dc8528204ce1dfd174fThis is my first post for: 1000 Voices Speak  the theme for May is Connection.

 

I often think about the connections I’ve made through my life, and it seems to me there are millions of gossamer threads stretching out to connect us to others, there of course those connections we have yet to make, but I believe we are linked irrevocably.

Throughout children and growing into your teens the foundations are built to those you connect with be it family or friends, it’s expected, and as we know those relationships can be a double-edged sword, because they are familiar and can challenge us in many ways, but can break those fragile threads that are supposed to hold us together.

In my own life especially the last 10 or more years I’ve frequently disconnected in way that have been life changing, traumatic, with very little joy  in-between.

I didn’t connect with the world for a few years I didn’t know that’s what it was, but my retreat was total coupled with a searing isolation, trapped by own fears throw grief into the mix, it was though I left my body, and watched from the sidelines as the car wreck happened over and over, and it took a herculean effort to spin those fine threads of reconnection which allowed me to re-enter the land of the living.

I think grief was the final straw, death in itself is so final, and I didn’t expect to lose my mother, she was young 58, but taken away from me, and although she was my harshest critic, in fact a never-ending stream of fault-finding, that I had to break the strongest bond with her for my own survival, our relationship was more of a battle of wills, and with our broken connection we just wore each other down even though we knew we loved each other very much, and when she died I’ve felt ever since that no one will ever love me like she did, and it broke me.

When I think about reconciliation, we never could, as I said death is final and all the out pourings of love I made wafted off into the ether, she will never hear those words, and that is my biggest regret in life that we never reconciled, we understood each other from a  far together that tenuous thread just couldn’t cope with the strain, that should have held us together.

Thinking of relationships that have come and gone the connection at first so powerful, seeming basking in that fire of love, and gradually sometimes it dims, another connection lost as one of you leaves for good, with others the thread remains and you can have a deep enduring friendship, as lovers you cannot sustain but as friends you flourish and the love continues to burn brightly but now for different reasons.

Friends can come and go, however there are always those special ones that are there for the duration and no matter the distance or time, you just know they’ll be there, I’m luck I have such a friend who would move a mountain, and even with my fall from grace(homelessness) they’re the one who will send money, or turn up with a bag of clothes, take me for a treat, treats me like a human because she knows no other way to her I’m just me, that connection made over 30 years ago when we met on the first day of college at 16, were 50 now, and I always smile when I think of her.

Finally the connection with myself, well I’ve spun new threads and over the last couple of years, mentally anyway I’ve gradually learned to connect with me, and accept that I’m human, flawed, a good person, worthy of loving and being loved, even though there are days when my emotions threaten to take over I try to remember where I have been, and where I’m now, and eventually all the threads will reconnect, and as a woman I’ll be reconciled with myself.

You don’t have to be special to have compassion, just being human is enough, and others will sense that and are willing to connect with your humanity for others.

734dacab-604d-40ef-b615-e5aeb63efe23_zpsoulpoudc

Advertisements

About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
This entry was posted in Blogs, Compassion, Depression, Mental Health and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.