Blowing In The Wind

images73Some days I think my life has come to a standstill, nothing seems to change no mater how hard i try to move forward, I’m hopping in a small circle.

The beginning of the year found me in such a positive frame of mind, I was looking to the future, my idea was if I changed my thought process, I would see a way clear to turning negatives into positives.

It hasn’t been a total failure, on the work front, all is going Ok, I do need to earn more to save, however I’m reasonably happy with where that is going.

I have good friends who are supportive, though I feel that I rely on them too much, but am afraid to lose that anchor, so I tend at times to be very clingy which can be off-putting, I’m aware of it, but it doesn’t stop me from changing my behaviours, I think that comes from battling alone for so long that it’s hard to get the balance right.

I’m trying to be more trusting and open with those I let into my life, and having now told several others about my homeless status, that seems to have eased the burden on me, it’s been quite a big secret to keep, and it weighed heavily on my mind, the flip side being the stigma attached, but all in all I feel I made the right decision in telling them.

I worry that somewhere there is a mental crash slowly rolling towards me, even though I feel ok, none of my triggers have been set off in a way that gives me a warning . but I wonder if I have others that have lain dormant waiting to strike, I think about that quite a lot which is never a good thing as it feels that I’m wishing it on myself.

Wallowing in self-pity has crept into my consciousness, and with it comes tremendous guilt, because I know many of my problems are down to me, and only I can put it right, but somehow whatever I try it’s not working, and can’t help feeling there some magic formula for problem solving, and no matter how many things I throw into the mix, it just isn’t working.

I have little choice but to keep trying to turn my life around, but I’m tired of the obstacles, and trying to come up with new solutions, just so tired of it all.

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About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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12 Responses to Blowing In The Wind

  1. henriettamross14 says:

    Try to be gentle with yourself

    Liked by 1 person

  2. dimdaze says:

    I think it’s great that you can talk about where you are in life. I was never able to do it. Its caused me a lot of pain over the years. Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The one place that I can let it all hang out is here on my blog, it’s cathartic and my therapy of sorts.

      I’ve learned that when we let go of parts of ourselves that we keep hidden, it’s scary but very liberating and can ease many of your concerns, just by putting it out there.

      Also within this community you don’t find the stigma attached to mental health, and calming feeling of not being alone.

      Thanks for your feedback:)

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Cat says:

    Feeling devastated by our own circumstances is not wallowing in self-pity. You have a lot to feel down about and all you can do is keep moving forward, which you seem to already be doing. Opening up is tough, but it is also a great gauge on who our true friends are

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s true about friends, it’s a double edged sword, and I find it hard to trust, but somehow having to find faith in people/friends as i can’t recover alone so their support is key.

      I think i mainly just feel like a burden, and it’s something I’m not used to, and it can make me feel useless at times.

      As much as I believe in opening up, that too holds it’s own terrors, I suppose it just learning to become more complete in all areas of my life that I forget sometimes that it takes time to make the adjustments, and sometimes to move forward you have to stand still.

      Thanks for your comment:) x

      Like

      • Cat says:

        I remember also feeling like a burden during a homeless phase. Opening up is easier said than done, we have our pride, after all.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. dimdaze says:

    Hi there, I nominated you for the Very Inspiring Blog Award. There are some positive things in our lives. Check out my blog for the details. Have a good day!

    Liked by 1 person

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