The beginning of the year found me in such a positive frame of mind, I was looking to the future, my idea was if I changed my thought process, I would see a way clear to turning negatives into positives.
It hasn’t been a total failure, on the work front, all is going Ok, I do need to earn more to save, however I’m reasonably happy with where that is going.
I have good friends who are supportive, though I feel that I rely on them too much, but am afraid to lose that anchor, so I tend at times to be very clingy which can be off-putting, I’m aware of it, but it doesn’t stop me from changing my behaviours, I think that comes from battling alone for so long that it’s hard to get the balance right.
I’m trying to be more trusting and open with those I let into my life, and having now told several others about my homeless status, that seems to have eased the burden on me, it’s been quite a big secret to keep, and it weighed heavily on my mind, the flip side being the stigma attached, but all in all I feel I made the right decision in telling them.
I worry that somewhere there is a mental crash slowly rolling towards me, even though I feel ok, none of my triggers have been set off in a way that gives me a warning . but I wonder if I have others that have lain dormant waiting to strike, I think about that quite a lot which is never a good thing as it feels that I’m wishing it on myself.
Wallowing in self-pity has crept into my consciousness, and with it comes tremendous guilt, because I know many of my problems are down to me, and only I can put it right, but somehow whatever I try it’s not working, and can’t help feeling there some magic formula for problem solving, and no matter how many things I throw into the mix, it just isn’t working.
I have little choice but to keep trying to turn my life around, but I’m tired of the obstacles, and trying to come up with new solutions, just so tired of it all.