As the title says!I was asked this over the weekend, and I wanted to reply “I don’t know but if you find it tell it I need it”
It was a good question, I have no idea where my confidence has gone, or what to do to get it back, this coming from someone who was once super confident, but actually wasn’t it was my bravado that I showed to the world and when that went I was just left with me.
You get used to hiding your fault, and you do it so well for so long that people are surprised when you hit bottom and declare ” she was always so…..” not as surprised as me because I was always just so full of…what, I’ve no real idea who the real me is sometimes.
When I think of who I am I no longer see someone who is in charge of their own life, that’s the dichotomy I’m in recovery from depression, that would suggest I’ve regained some quality of life, to a degree that’s true, I’m no longer held hostage by my mind, so that would be a good result, however lingering in the background was the spectre of being homeless, now that took away the confidence I regained and has slowly eaten away at me for almost 3 years, and has made me fearful in a way depression never did.
Whilst the two event were in full flow simultaneously, I didn’t really have to deal with either, so when the fog began to lift I left the other thing to the recesses of my mind, such an unbelievably stupid thing to do, I wasn’t mindful, I thought getting over the one thing would somehow conjure up confidence to fix another problem area, it didn’t, so I lost faith in myself again.
To lose faith/confidence, in some ways is more damaging to your spirit, it gets you deep inside and festers, oh I can still put on a good show if need be, but inside I’m screaming fraud, so each day little nameless things strip away at your core, your just left feeling a bit emptier than the day before.
I don’t think mentally I’ll slide back into depression, but will obviously have good and bad days, but need my confidence back, I do fight/speak up, but the flame only burns for a few minutes, I can’t get that fire burning again, every little knock back just affirms that I’m going to be stuck in this in between life for sometime to come.
We look for answers all the time, I think we do have the answers to our questions and are sometimes fearful to face them, however I just want to have a simple quality of life with a little confidence thrown in, so I keep looking forward, keep fighting with the threadbare remnants of a once confident woman.