Where’s Your Confidence

confidenceImages from Google

As the title says!I was asked this over the weekend, and I wanted to reply “I don’t know but if you find it tell it I need it”

It was a good question, I have no idea where my confidence has gone, or what to do to get it back, this coming from someone who was once super confident, but actually wasn’t it was my bravado that I showed to the world and when that went  I was just left with me.

You get used to hiding your fault, and you do it so well for so long that people are surprised when you hit bottom and declare ” she was always so…..” not as surprised as me because I was always  just so full of…what, I’ve no real idea who the real me is sometimes.

images69When I think of who I am I no longer see someone who is in charge of their own life, that’s the dichotomy I’m in recovery from depression, that would suggest I’ve regained some quality of life, to a degree that’s true, I’m no longer held hostage by my mind, so that would be a good result, however lingering in the background was the spectre of being homeless, now that took away  the confidence I regained and has slowly eaten away at me for almost 3 years, and has made me fearful in a way depression never did.

Whilst the two event were in full flow simultaneously, I didn’t really have to deal with either, so when the fog began to lift I left the other thing to the recesses of my mind, such an unbelievably stupid thing to do, I wasn’t mindful, I thought getting over the one thing would somehow conjure up confidence to fix another problem area, it didn’t, so I lost faith in myself again.

To lose faith/confidence, in some ways is more damaging to your spirit, it gets you deep inside and festers, oh I can still put on a good show if need be, but inside I’m screaming fraud, so each day little nameless things strip away at your core, your just left feeling a bit emptier than the day before.

I don’t think mentally I’ll slide back into depression, but will obviously have good and bad days, but need my confidence back, I do fight/speak up, but the flame only burns for a few minutes, I can’t get that fire burning again, every little knock back just affirms that I’m going to be stuck in this in between life for sometime to come.

We look for answers all the time, I think we do have the answers to our questions and are sometimes fearful to face them, however I just want to have a simple quality of life with a little confidence thrown in, so I keep looking forward, keep fighting with the threadbare remnants of a once confident woman.

images68

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About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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9 Responses to Where’s Your Confidence

  1. Gale Wright says:

    I have lost my confidence, too. And my sense of hope. For me, the two go hand in hand.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. My confidence has disappeared also, on account of my anxiety. When that goes, little things become such a huge deal for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think the only times that the words ‘self-confidence’ were often missing, and still are, during the past 50 years or so. Sure, there are those moments of accomplishments that I have made, and the self-confidence is in there somewhere. Four weeks from Saturday, I am boarding a plane, headed back down to TX again, but this time accompanied by my wheelchair games teammates, and those moments will arise, and then come the ‘yeah, buts’. Does anyone else have those? Would you like mine?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think we all have the “yeah buts” moments though sometimes more acute than at other times, there are glimmers of confidence, but not always enough to sustain your confidence in your abilities.

      Thanks for your feedback.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Cat says:

    It’s difficult to imagine now, I know, but you will rebuild your self-confidence over time. Your insight is amazing and I have taken a lot from this post tonight, nice one 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Glad to be of help :), as you know when you lose your confidence, seems everything goes downhill with it, and just finding that spark, is like looking for a needle in a haystack.

      Without it I feel weak, but in time I’ll get some of it back.

      Thanks for your comment,:)

      Liked by 1 person

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