They’re Just Emotions

42555162_baba766fecSometimes when you open up, you’re not always prepared for the emotions that follow, and begs the question what an earth do you do with them?

After completing the recent blogging challenge I thought I’d coped quite well given the subject matter and my own struggle with homelessness, but as I’d kept quite a tight lid on this area of my life, writing about it each day, just confirmed to me just how far I’d fallen.

All this week my thought have turned to deep introspection, about my life and what motivates me, well it was more than introspection it was a full on brutal assault on my life up to this point, and it wasn’t pretty, and of course my thoughts became obsessive, constantly picking over old scabs, looking for answers, and I found none.

I’ve been tearful, panicky, short-tempered, quiet, overly loud, finding fault where there is none, I’ve hardly slept, ate for Britain and still feel as though the glass is less than half full, when asked why I was so up and down I opened my mouth to explain and all the old fears came back about being judged, and being seen as someone who cannot manage their life.

I didn’t tell of course what was actually bothering I just made up an excuse, then became angry with myself for not being brave enough to be honest about my homeless status, but it was more than that, I’ve lost some of my confidence again, and without that anchor I’m finding it hard to “woman up” I’m just so very tired of putting on a brave face, every time I face challenges in my life I seem to fail or at least not act quickly enough to forestall events that seem to over take me.

I used to have the courage of a lion, and now just whimper like a kitten and that makes me feel so impotent, that it makes me want to crawl back into that dark space, that held me hostage for so long, I fear that perhaps deep down I don’t want to change, as me feet are seemingly made of cement, my lack of courage keeping me prisoner.

I’m also tired of daily affirmations that today will be the day that change happens , and why I can’t just take the baby steps required to move forward I did it before, what is stopping me now, well I know the answer I’m stopping me, I’m to blame, but emotionally pummeling myself won’t help even though it gives me a strange sense of satisfaction to feel that spark of pain, that lets me know I’m still alive, but I take no real comfort in that.

So they’re just emotions, we can’t always live with them or without them, I think I just have to learn to accept them and find a way to factor them into my life, and try to make sense of them as I go along, however every time I open Pandora’s Box, everything seems to be swirling down the giant plug hole at the bottom and I can never shut the lid in time to stop it.

#BluSkyFriday

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About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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16 Responses to They’re Just Emotions

  1. Fictionatrix says:

    I agree, it is difficult to be able to accept one’s emotions. Self acceptance is a key to living a better life. I wish you are able to derive the courage you once had from your experiences. Lions are allowed to whimper as kittens now and then, its okay. A whimpering kitten can be a little scared and troubled Lion at heart. All the best. Take care! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Gale Wright says:

    Yes, a day at a time or even a part of a day at a time. Small tasks as they come along. It would be good to have some small successes and maybe that will slowly build confidence.

    Liked by 1 person

    • This week has just been so blah, your right I need little building blocks, to get back the confidence lost, so back to the starting line ..again and this time incorporating everything, might yield better results.

      Thanks as always for your support and feedback:)

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Gale Wright says:

    I think now you might have more to work with since you have gotten so much out of your mind and into the blog. I find it helpful every so often to go back and read over what I have written, either in my notebooks or on WordPress. Sometimes, just doing that shows me I have made progress and it feels good to see it in black and white. Now that you have thirty blogs written about your most important issue (at least these days) maybe that same exercise will help you too.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I found that sharing so much over the A to Z challenge was cathartic but it also forced me to admit to myself just how messed up I am, mixed feelings for sure!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Cat says:

    Introspection can be extremely painful, but IME, it is often the gateway to change. It’s hardly surprising you are feeling like this, the challenge really did mean a lot to you, I could feel it throughout the posts. It may have brought you closer to your goal, but right now it is difficult to see past the emotion. Sometimes we need to just sit it out and that is tough, but writing definitely helps because at least we know we’re not entirely alone

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    • Sitting it out is the best option right now, otherwise I’d think I might go in the wrong direction.

      As per usual I wasn’t mindful of how I’d feel, abd began to overthink everything, and it all begsn to overwhelm me, I must learn to take my time. Today was better so I’ll use that as a starting point.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m sorry you’re struggling, emotions are a hard thing to deal with. Sometimes almost impossible. One thing you mentioned was that you felt you were not taking baby steps, well I think opening up here on a blog so deeply like you did with your challenge is a huge step. Now it’s out of your head and into words that people have read and responded to. I hope those darn emotions calm down soon for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve been feeling that I’ve been too open, but it needed to be done, it is my last hurdle to overcome, and it just stirred up a lot of negative emotions that I didn’t expect to deal with(always unprepared).

      The response has been great, and scared me a little that there was no judgement, and my followers understand that better than most thankfully.

      Thanks for your feedback, and hope your doing well:)

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