Zero

images66A -Z Blogging Challenge – Theme: Homelessness

Z =Zero

A day late but here I am at Z, I didn’t think I’d make it!

When I think about zero, I think about my life over the last 3 years, and it has been that a sometimes never-ending line of zero’s, first with a breakdown, I had:

Zero Confidence, Zero Faith, Zero Life, Zero Worthiness, Zero Self-love

Well I managed to pull out of that, however in the meantime, homelessness coincided with my breakdown and is the last of my hurdles to overcome, and it has been the hardest to deal with, I feel displaced, marginalised, invisible, stupid, embarrassed, isolated, which all adds up to a big fat zero.index57

 

 

 

In writing these posts, it has made me really face my situation and own it in a way I hadn’t done before, and has made me much more focused on what needs done so I can be housed again and thank to the readers who have put forward suggestions and made me re-examine what my options are, which are still zero, but perhaps with more creative thinking I can move to the next stage.

As I said right from the start, I never dreamed this could happen to me, this was something that always happened to other people, yes I judged them, and know there are many reasons as to why people lose their homes, and why many end up sleeping rough on the streets.

Mentally I think I’ve coped reasonably well, but am prepared for the fall out, as I do wear homelessness like the mask I wore for depression, and even though I’ve been open here and some very close friends know I do feel fraudulent in many ways as I cannot quite come out with it to others, I’m embarrassed and fear their judgement and the stigma that follows, and I’m not brave enough to face that.

I also fear actually being housed you’d think it would be a relief, but I’ve survived like this for so long it’s normal now, it like taking a giant leap into nothingness, then find the landing has been quite soft, which in turn will bring me in from the edges of society and being visible again.

I still have quite a bit of residual anger at myself for allowing this to happen, or at least not acting sooner, but in my own defence I didn’t know I was breaking down and how severe it would be, which rendered me pretty useless for over a year, and I missed the boat at those crucial early stages to get help, now 3 years on its difficult, and this bullshit about not fitting any of the criteria, makes me weep sometimes with the sheer hopelessness of my situation.images35

 

 

 

 

So in conclusion to this series, I need to get from zero to hero, in that I’m housed rather sooner than later, in my current living situation I’m Ok for the next 2-3 weeks and after that who know, but would like to think that significant progress has been made, I’m very tired and would just like to have somewhere to call my own and start rebuilding my life, however if life continues like this I can’t even begin to imagine what the future holds.

As the saying goes, “when you hit bottom, the only way is up”

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About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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6 Responses to Zero

  1. Gale Wright says:

    Your series is excellent and I am glad it gave you some additional insights. You raised so many good points in each installment. It is true that with depression, you don’t really see that that is what is happening to you until you are too far into it. Two years after my breakdown, I am just now seeing what I was unable to see at the time. My breakdown was actually very, very slow and long. But while in it, I couldn’t see it all that clearly. I’m sure other people could. But that does prevent you from doing the things that might save your financial or other important situations. A vicious cycle.

    I can also understand the realization you have had that now you are used to this lifestyle and having a home again seems stressful from this side of it. When I left my terrible job, I was very frightened of the new way of life. It seemed like a huge black hole to me, even though it was the best thing I could do to save myself from the toxicity. You do get used to and comfortable with toxicity, sad to say.

    I’m so glad you completed the A to Z challenge. Good job!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Your right everything just kind of crept up on me, and left me without the emotional tools to deal with it, hence why I’m so behind in trying to get myself back on and even keel.

      It’s amazing you can get used to anything, however when you really stop and look at your situation, you realise that all is not well and changes need to be made, it is as you know a very long process, which depletes you of energy or even the will to do anything about it.

      I am very scared for the future, but know deep down things will work out, I need to work on my self belief more, and keep looking for every opportunity that comes along to further my being housed again.

      Thanks so much for all your feedback and support during this challenge, I appreciate it very much x:)

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Cat says:

    To say I have ‘enjoyed’ reading the series is maybe not the right word, but I’ve learned a lot and enjoyed getting to know you too. I can understand not having the strength to face stigma, we just need to get through our own shit in whatever way we can. It has been a long road and I can only imagine how tired you must feel. I hope your “new perspective” of how to move forward will reap such well-deserved rewards. Well done for doing such an excellent job of this challenge

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m pretty knackered, lol, but feel Ok, and glad that I did the challenge, that it now ME warts and all, nothing left in the closet.

      I still feel there will be some seemingly insurmountable obstacles, but I’m willing to face them now, so writing in this challenge in many ways has been a liberating experience, although my homeless status remains the same, but I see a glimmer of hope, and with some more hard work and knocking on doors, things will turn around.

      Thank you again for your feedback and support xx:)

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Believe me, as I struggled out of the depths of depression, and I know very well how much effort that takes. Now that effort needs to be applied, in full, to your present situation. i myself stumbled across housing for elderly and disabled tenants. I qualified as I was deemed disabled by my mental illness. Those first few years were hard, and I think I was a hospital more than I was out. It can be done! I don’t know exactly where you are, but if there is no assistance there, perhaps you should try to relocate, and start out ‘new’.

    Liked by 1 person

    • My mental health is not now a serious enough condition for me to get help, but still have a couple of other options I can try.

      I don’t want to relocate I have much invested here in terms of work and friends, I just need my own foundation in which I can start to rebuild.
      Thanks very much for your feedback:)

      Like

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