Treadmill

going-nowhere-fast-gary-kaemmerA-Z Blogging Challenge – Theme: Homelessness

T = Treadmill

I can’t believe I’ve made it to the letter T, seems such a long time since I started this challenge and I’ve learned much about myself in the process, mainly that opening up helps a great deal, this was the one area of my life that I’ve kept hidden for such a long time such was my own disgust for being homeless, and losing my identity as a person.

I’m still going to be on the treadmill for a while to come I think, no matter how fast I run I’m going to zero, in a hurry, I cannot knock on anymore doors, make another phone call or chase another lead, it’s sapping my strength and everyday I feel like giving up.

The loneliness no matter how many people you tell, you are still alone, and when alone with just my thoughts for company things can threaten to get very dark, so I fight that, I fought too hard to stabilise my mental health to allow it to take me hostage again, but I guess I’m just out of ideas.

Sitting here writing this I can feel the tears of frustration threatening to spill over, but to cry will show weakness, and in that the mask will slip, but I’m so tired, just completely exhausted with trying to resolve this issue.

Tomorrow as they say is another day, and who knows what that’ll bring, in some ways I’m to scared to find out, it would be like admitting there is no hope, and I know deep down there is I just have to connect with it, feel it surging through my mind and accept that something will happen for the good.

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About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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4 Responses to Treadmill

  1. Cat says:

    I can barely believe your on T already. I’ve really enjoyed the ‘series’, it has raised my awareness on so many different levels and it has also been a source of admiration for your willingness to share such a vulnerable part of your life. I can’t begin to imagine how difficult this must be. Are you able to apply for this housing benefit for a place in that (unhelpful) homeless unit? There must be a way to do this because no homeless person has this kind of money to pay upfront. I’m just thinking of your safety net and would it not also contribute to your housing need? Wishing you strength!

    Liked by 1 person

    • ,I have to be in “there” before I can apply for HB, seems the place is full and I have to go each night to see if any places have opened up……….

      I have tentiveley put out feelers for loans, but nothing back as of yet, and truthfully I’m not comfortable with pushing it, so a waiting game will ensue, but I’m ok for the next week or so, so that’s something.

      Thanks reading and your feedback, it’s helped. x

      Like

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