A-Z Blogging Challenge – Theme: Homelessness
L =Living In Limbo
Like the slightest breeze on a dandelion, your life can float away in to the void, and you’ll never be able to recapture what was.
To live in a constant state of limbo eats away at your sense of belonging, you are neither here or there, homelessness removes all attachments to living within society, but ensures that you cling to its edges.
When I look forward I don’t see a future I just see more of this, living a half-life and because of that I pretend that I’m doing Ok, I function, I go home and cook a hot meal each night, perhaps watch a little television or have friends around for drinks, all the things I used to do,and it’s that longing to come back in from the edges that sustain me through the harder days.
It’s more that just having a roof over my head, I have no privacy I live out of bags, on cold days when everybody rushes home I can’t I have to wait until it’s time because whomever I might be staying with wants their own space for a few hours and who am I to question that, when flat sitting like now it’s great but obviously I have to be very tidy and careful I don’t break anything, one slip and the threads that keep a temporary roof over my head can be broken.
I always take extra care over my appearance, which is really just another mask to appear like I belong in the mainstream, I’m very careful about when I talk about home again this is just for normalcy, even with those friends who know they’re sworn to secrecy they mustn’t tell or even reference it during conversation just in case, the strain of keeping up appearances sometimes just makes me feel ill.
When all this became a reality I disappeared into the prison that was depression, and in some ways saved me from having to deal with this earlier and I often think “what if” but mental illness is a whole other animal as it were and I was in no fit state to deal with anything so there has been a delay and when the darkness began to lift only then did I really think about my homeless state, it didn’t send me scurrying back to my dark corner as I sometimes hoped, but I started to deal with it.
Not only caught in the homeless trap but also poverty I had no money to speak of and it took a while to find odd jobs at first, so I could buy the basics and eat, we often lament were starving, well to really be hungry starving takes on a whole different meaning, and there were days when I didn’t eat at all, other times kindly friends wold invite me round and feed me up, which just added to my humiliation, but I couldn’t pass u eating a hot meal, it was hard not to just gobble it down.
So many things like clothes the few things I took with me began to wear out and needed to be replaced and I was very particular about shoes I think they say a lot about your status as people tend to look at you from the bottom up and always seem to notice footwear, just so many things to keep up this facade of not being seen as someone without substance.
Homelessness take away many of the dignities we take for granted, so when we look at people begging or searching for food, it makes me think that I’m luckier because I haven’t been at that level, and would I do the same if I was, desperation, homelessness, poverty can and will make change you thinking forever, because when you hit rock bottom the only choice is survival…..and many do not.