Living In Limbo

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A-Z Blogging Challenge – Theme: Homelessness

L =Living In Limbo

Like the slightest breeze on a dandelion, your life can float away in to the void, and you’ll never be able to recapture what was.

To live in a constant state of limbo eats away at your sense of belonging, you are neither here or there, homelessness removes all attachments to living within society, but ensures that you cling to its edges.

When I look forward I don’t see a future I just see more of this, living a half-life and because of that I pretend that I’m doing Ok, I function, I go home and cook a hot meal each night, perhaps watch a little television or have friends around for drinks, all the things I used to do,and it’s that longing to come back in from the edges that sustain me through the harder days.

It’s more that just having a roof over my head, I have no privacy I live out of bags, on cold days when everybody rushes home I can’t I have to wait until it’s time because whomever I might be staying with wants their own space for a few hours and who am I to question that, when flat sitting like now it’s great but obviously I have to be very tidy and careful I don’t break anything, one slip and the threads that keep a temporary roof over my head can be broken.

I always take extra care over my appearance, which is really just another mask to appear like I belong in the mainstream, I’m very careful about when I talk about home again this is just for normalcy, even with those friends who know they’re sworn to secrecy they mustn’t tell or even reference it during conversation just in case, the strain of keeping up appearances sometimes just makes me feel ill.

When all this became a reality I disappeared into the prison that was depression, and in some ways saved me from having to deal with this earlier and I often think “what if” but mental illness is a whole other animal as it were and I was in no fit state to deal with anything so there has been a delay and when the darkness began to lift only then did I really think about my homeless state, it didn’t send me scurrying back to my dark corner as I sometimes hoped, but I started to deal with it.

Not only caught in the homeless trap but also poverty I had no money to speak of and it took a while to find odd jobs at first, so I could buy the basics and eat, we often lament were starving, well to really be hungry starving takes on a whole different meaning, and there were days when I didn’t eat at all, other times kindly friends wold invite me round and feed me up, which just added to my humiliation, but I couldn’t pass u eating a hot meal, it was hard not to just gobble it down.

So many things like clothes the few things I took with me began to wear out and needed to be replaced and I was very particular about shoes I think they say a lot about your status as people tend to look at you from the bottom up and always seem to notice footwear, just so many things to keep up this facade of not being seen as someone without substance.

Homelessness take away many of the dignities we take for granted, so when we look at people begging or searching for food, it makes me think that I’m luckier because I haven’t been at that level, and would I do the same if I was, desperation, homelessness, poverty can and will make change you thinking forever, because when you hit rock bottom the only choice is survival…..and many do not.

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About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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9 Responses to Living In Limbo

  1. Struggling to keep up appearances is so draining. I go through that daily and can relate.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Cat says:

    Needing someone to provide anything can feel so humiliating. You are a survivor to have come this far.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well hanging on more than surviving, but some days when I really sit and think about it, I see no end in sight, my flat sitting been extended luckily, however it’s a race to be situated the alternatives don’t appeal!!

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      • Cat says:

        I’m so glad to hear about the flat sitting. It’s hardly surprising you will get days when your faith in all this is at rock bottom. Do you think you’ll end up having to go the private route? It’s just a pity you can’t find a temp off the books rental and then you wouldn’t lose your homeless priority, if there is such a thing as priority for single people Surely this really gets you down to the point of dealing with depression on a regular basis? Can’t you go speak to a GP and then push the MH with the housing options? It’s not like you’ll be lying about it. Just think of the number of single people who are ahead of you who are doing just that

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      • I have thought about that,however as a loophole it’s been pretty much closed now, you have to have something seriously wrong with you to get ahead as it were.

        I’m in recovery, so even though I still have down days, which can be acute, but they’re managable.
        All i want is a temp off the books, or even as a live in carer/companion which will still leave me with my autonomy, I’m looking at all options, I was even looking at the option of crowd funding, that would give me a start at least.

        The private route is the only way as social housing for single people is a 10 year wait in some boroughs, I’ll just have to keep plugging.

        Thanks as always for you kindness:)

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      • Cat says:

        Live in carer/assistant would be perfect. I used to manage Independent Living organisations and we would employ Personal Assistants to work with our independent service users. They didn’t live in but we had accommodation available for them in the same area. If you fancied London I could suggest something on a volunteer capacity, but you get free decent accommodation (flat share with other PA’s) and a small allowance… most people are able to work elsewhere. The other thing I was thinking about is advertising your service as a house/pet sitter. People advertise in shop windows

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      • I’m not in London, but have no clue where to start, i just think it could be an option for at least a year, which gives me some security, whilst I save up.

        Good idea about the advertising for a housing jobs, I’ll look into that, thank you:)

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      • Cat says:

        I don’t like to bombard you with suggestions when I know you’ve probably tried the lot. Are there any volunteer organisations that offer positions with live in? I’m not sure if CSV still exists Community Service Volunteers. I’m rooting for you and just know something will come off for you sometime… you’re working so hard, lets hope so 🙂

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      • CSV didn’t think about them, I know a few in my local area, I’ll give them a try tomorrow. Thank you x

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