I don’t know if because last week was pretty rotten, but I have been on the verge of tears for a few days now and feeling constantly anxious about everything, the problem being I can’t switch off.
Apart from my living situation (flat sitting ends next week) which has given me a few sleepless nights and the difficulty in getting anyone to understand the urgency of my situation has just left me feeling flat, I’m doing everything I can and more but progress is going at a snail’s pace and I fear that if I don’t get my act together mentally I slip through the cracks.
I freelance, but there is not much work on the horizon, and the fight for jobs is pretty fierce, which makes adding to my meagre savings really hard, which in turn also means that having enough money for a deposit is more likely to be in the distant future, even though I can get help with that I have to find the right accommodation and with a landlord who will agree to the scheme.
To be honest I just want to run away from my various problems, but know I can’t that is the sure way to end up back down the rabbit hole spending months trying to dig my way out.
Staying strong and positive is not as you all know easy, and no matter what speck of light you see at the end of this very long tunnel, those feelings of being a failure loom large.
I think that is one of my greatest fears is failing, because it takes on such a different connotation as it accompanies self loathing, worthlessness, apathy, and I don’t know if I can deal with all that again, but those thoughts are creeping in day by day, the black dog is always waiting isn’t he, just for a sign.
Tomorrow is the start of the A-Z challenge, which my theme is homelessness, and that will help to keep me focused and hopefully dispel some of the stigma that surrounds this very prevalent social condition.
So back to job hunting, and I’ll be visiting 2-3 of the agencies that can help me, all I can do is keep trying, and that will have to be good enough.