Slipping Through The Cracks

Falling-Through-the-CracksThough in recovery, I do have periods when I tend to be overly introspective and that then leads down the rocky road of negative thinking, such as now.

I don’t know if because last week was pretty rotten, but I have been on the verge of tears for a few days now and feeling constantly anxious about everything, the problem being I can’t switch off.

Apart from my living situation (flat sitting ends next week) which has given me a few sleepless nights and the difficulty in getting anyone to understand the urgency of my situation has just left me feeling flat, I’m doing everything I can and more but progress is going at a snail’s pace and I fear that if I don’t get my act together mentally I slip through the cracks.

I freelance, but there is not much work on the horizon, and the fight for jobs is pretty fierce, which makes adding to my meagre savings really hard, which in turn also means that having enough money for a deposit is more likely to be in the distant future, even though I can get help with that I have to find the right accommodation and with a landlord who will agree to the scheme.

To be honest I just want to run away from my various problems, but know I can’t that is the sure way to end up back down the rabbit hole spending months trying to dig my way out.

Staying strong and positive is not as you all know easy, and no matter what speck of light you see at the end of this very long tunnel, those feelings of being a failure loom large.

I think that is one of my greatest fears is failing, because it takes on such a different connotation as it accompanies self loathing, worthlessness, apathy, and I don’t know if I can deal with all that again, but those thoughts are creeping in day by day, the black dog is always waiting isn’t he, just for a sign.

Tomorrow is the start of the A-Z challenge, which my theme is homelessness, and that will help to keep me focused and hopefully dispel some of the stigma that surrounds this very prevalent social condition.

So back to job hunting, and I’ll be visiting 2-3 of the agencies that can help me, all I can do is keep trying, and that will have to be good enough.


About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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12 Responses to Slipping Through The Cracks

  1. breakdownchick says:

    You have a full plate, no wonder the ‘black dog’ is waiting,,,just don’t feed him!!!
    Wishing you luck and strength!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I can relate to this so much! I’ve been having a break down at least once or twice a week, panic attacks each day. I feel like I need to jump out of my body, but of course, I can’t. You’re a fighter though, I’m always inspired by your posts, so stay fierce! Better days are ahead of you. You can email me any time at if you need to just let loose and vent. I’m not a professional, but I’ve been where you are before, and I am where you are right now.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much I really appreciate that:), I am in recover but every now and then it hits me all over again, and I need to talk myself out of it.

      I read your having a tough time of it, do you have support?

      What is so wonderful about blogs is that our readers “get it” and it feels good to know that people are there who understand.

      Liked by 2 people

      • You’re very welcome! And yes,the support here that I’ve seen while blogging is amazing! I have 2 understanding and loving parents by my side who I am completely open with which gets me through my hardships. I also have a therapist and psychiatrist who I’ve been with since I was 13. I’m sending you good vibes and hope this down funk doesn’t last too long šŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Gale Wright says:

    It is very, very hard to plow through life while also carrying around the depression. I think it will help to have the A – Z Challenge to work on. Having a topic kind of mapped out makes the blogging something to look forward to. And then there is the satisfaction of having done it. So it’s good on both ends.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s what I thought, writing will help, and it’s quite a huge topic which also carries stigma.

      At the moment I feel like I’m wading through quicksand, I just need to ride it out and stay focused. Thank you šŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Cat says:

    This must be such a worry… understatement of the year! I have been homeless years ago and the uncertainty and dependency on other people are soul destroying. I really do hope something works out for you. Do you have anything lined up for when the flat sitting ends?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I do have something in place but it’s temporary, just a few days, I’ll be banging on doors until then, and yes the dependency on others in this situation is fraught at the best of times.

      Liked by 1 person

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