Today for the first time in about 2 years I had a panic attack, a small one, but debilitating all the same, I thought I’d left those days behind a long time and it just goes to show how easily you can fall back into the pit even when your being mindful.
I woke up early and felt okayish if a little wrung out, however I got ready for work, with only what had to be done on my mind, this soon changed as the morning progressed I started to go over what occurred yesterday and began to get irritated, and thinking about what else I could have said, you know that feeling of replaying an event over and over, you lose sight of the actual issue and focus on the one thing.
That phrase: you’re not the only one with problems!
So of course that just went round and round, coupled with the fact there were a couple of awkward customers, but I dealt with them ok, but it just added to the anxiety, there were a few other things happening one man a friend of the owner who I don’t like was in and is a know it all of epic proportions, my mind was screaming for him just to shut up as he droned on(some people’s voice can just go right through you).
Then all of a sudden it just hit me, I started shaking and trying to catch my breath, I just grabbed my ciggies and manged to squeak I needed to go out for a few minutes, this in the middle of lunch with nowhere quiet to go,trying to navigate round the people who seemed to multiply each step I took made me panic even more, managing to get up the stairs to the square I just plopped down on the bench gasping for breath trying not to cry.
I hate that feeling when it seems the world tilts on its axis and your left trying scramble up the wall sideways so it will tilt flat again, if that makes sense, anyway I sat there for about 30 minutes until I got my breathing under control, then had a ciggie which calmed me further, and went back to work, the owner looked at me a bit strangely and later asked if I was ok I just nodded and it was left like that.
The rest of the day passed without any further attacks which I’m thankful, I’m just a little tired now, and annoyed that yesterday affected me so much, I feel enough guilt about my life as it is, but am trying to take charge, but I suppose you can’t control random stupidity, it just shows if people weren’t so wrapped up in their judgement and fuelling the stigma that surrounds mental health they might think about what they say and the effect it could cause to someone who is susceptible.