I’ve had a couple of conversations about love this week, and it seemed to me that there are many that have never had love in their lives I’m not talking about romance, but the love that comes from your parents.
Part of dealing with the grief over the death of my mother 12 yrs ago was that no one was ever going to love me unconditionally again, a strange thought and not something I’d considered, I knew my mum loved me, although she was always intensely critical of me, to the point where in my younger days would have me in tears of frustration because if she loved why couldn’t she satisfied with the way I was.
I did give up trying to have the love exclusively from her without the constant criticism, and realised it came hand in hand I accepted it as the nature of our relationship, but the effect it did have on me was often projected onto others especially in romance department, as I always looked for the ideal or unconditional love I’d find it, or thought I did, and would often end up pushing them away if I discovered the tiniest flaw, being they didn’t love me in the way I thought they should a pattern that has overshadowed my love life.
Then you have the other side of the coin, a friend whose mother rejected her from an early age, she was sent first to live with her grandfather, then to an aunt here in the UK, who didn’t love her but wanted company, imagine a 12-year-old girl in a new country keeping a middle aged aunt company!! even worse her mother had now re-married and had 3 more children and came also to the UK her daughter(my friend) went to live with her and noticed there was a difference her mother loved the 3 new children but not her.
To grow up in a household where you given the basics but not cared for in the same way, to see your siblings receive gift on birthday’s and christmas, and your gifts are tokens at best, to have your needs secondary to everyone else within the home, she say she would have been better off just abandoned.
To this day she seeks her mothers love and acceptance, and it’s not coming anytime soon, but to still keep trying and to die a little more at each rejection and after some 50 years still be an outsider within the family, this has coloured her view on love and belonging to someone or something, she too has suffered from terrible depression because all her life she has not felt worthy of love and therefore doesn’t recognise it when she see’s it and has pushed away many during her life.
There you have to different sides of the same coin, I felt and knew I was loved but it came with conditions, in which I wasn’t prepared to yield to, however has given me a skewed perception of love, and during the dark times I didn’t even feel love for myself, I was a mass of self loathing ,unworthiness, undeserving of basic human feeling, when I looked into the mirror the was no reflection, just nothingness who could love that, certainly not me.
I continue to learn and recover and have began to see I am worthy of love and I don’t need to seek that perfect love from others, it begins with me and if I see it they will too.