The Last Time I Cried..

tears_of_the_son_by_vipinraphel-d416kdoI was never much of a crier, not to say I didn’t, of course when you hear bad news,but the emotion is different I mean when you cry for yourself.

When life started to break down I’d find myself inexplicably able to burst into tears, it began by just that feeling of welling up and the feeling of being a little out of control, you’d quickly turn away if anyone noticed cursing your own foolish behaviour over getting upset over something little.

I found then I always seemed to be on the verge of tears, learning not to do it publicly, but when alone, with the four walls closing in on me, I’d cry, not the big wracking sobs just letting the tears fall hoping to feel better but never did, it just gave me a panicky feeling.

After the initial breakdown my mother died, and the tears flowed remembering at the crematorium, breaking down completely all you could hear were my sobs reverberating around the room, that is understandable, considering the circumstances but it seemed to open the floodgates further.

As grief engulfed me, crying became a part of me, and I dealt with it in an angry way blaming others and pushing away those who tried to help, it also became my answer to everything because if I cried I was dealing with it, how crazy is that, the saying “better out than in” doesn’t make sense, yes the tears were falling but was filling up with something else that tears couldn’t release.

Sitting alone in the dark smoking and crying became the norm, and every morning having to do a repair job so it didn’t look like I’d spent the evening crying, that also made me want to cry and increased the anxiety ten fold, you try to fight it, but it always wins, now looking back I’d have made a fortune if I had shares in kleenex!

Then came this second breakdown,grief, bullying at work all contributors, then suddenly I couldn’t cry, I’d want to but the tears wouldn’t fall, there was just numbing inertia, I couldn’t conjure up any emotion about anything I was literally the living dead, well I’ve written all about that, no need to revisit.

So to the last time I really cried was back at the end of November when events overtook me again,well cry was an understatement, huge wracking sobs, almost howling at some points my body twisting and turning with each tear that fell, you know that choking feeling you get and the little air bubbles forming on your lips, your nose running like a river, I could feel my face swelling as the salt ate into my skin, breathing in but unable to breathe out, anyone that has cried knows that feeling and I just couldn’t stop.

You see I wasn’t just crying about what happened that day, but for all the years I’ve had this bloody thing that threatens every time I have a set back, and for all the times I didn’t seek release in crying, you know letting it all out.

I don’t have a problem with crying but want to for different reasons, because I’ve seen a sad movie/or read a great story,  out of compassion, I want to cry with tears of laughter, not because of frustration anger or fear.

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About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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12 Responses to The Last Time I Cried..

  1. Hope Turner says:

    My panic attacks always include lots of crying. And my panic attacks can happen even at ‘good times’ that are anxiety causing. I cried at my daughter’s wedding, but for all the wrong reasons.
    It was the most beautiful day. I wish they had been tears of joy for her, not tears of mental illness from me.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. absolutecynic says:

    Like yourself, I was never a crier. My depression got a point where I just felt so numb and crying became a thing of the past. Since having anxiety, the panic attacks I get include a lot of crying, so it seems to have opened the flood gates for me. Even stupid things can set me off, but I know that its better than not being able to express myself at all like before.
    x

    Liked by 1 person

    • I dislike that the most unexpected crying over nothing then i cry later because I feel foolish because I got worked up over something petty, anything really huge just leaves me mute and not always able to express myself.

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  3. Gale Wright says:

    Crying is generally very difficult for me–I am much better at bottling it up. I am convinced I would be healthier if I could learn how to let it flow consistently. It seems the other emotions could also flow consistently. Then maybe I would not have depression at all….

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for commenting and welcome:)

      I bottle things up,or did because I was scared, I didn’t want anyone to know how I really felt, on the other hand the crying does give a release, but I usually feel worse not better. I find now if I hold it all in it comes out in other ways usually anger directed at myself for being weak and not always able to manage.

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  4. Cat says:

    I cried last year when I lost my two elderly cats within 3mth of each other, the tears rolled, but no whacking big sobs. That was the first I cried in over 20 years…. it’s a real problem and I’m still not clear on why

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    • When I lost my my home I had to re-home my cats who had been greats mates for over 12 yrs, I still feel the twinge of guilt whenever I think of them and I’ve cried about that too.

      I don’t think it’s a problem not to cry I think you have held so much in over the years, and now gaining some traction in your therapy, so it might come it could be something huge or just a tiny memory of something, that will open the floodgates.

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