When life started to break down I’d find myself inexplicably able to burst into tears, it began by just that feeling of welling up and the feeling of being a little out of control, you’d quickly turn away if anyone noticed cursing your own foolish behaviour over getting upset over something little.
I found then I always seemed to be on the verge of tears, learning not to do it publicly, but when alone, with the four walls closing in on me, I’d cry, not the big wracking sobs just letting the tears fall hoping to feel better but never did, it just gave me a panicky feeling.
After the initial breakdown my mother died, and the tears flowed remembering at the crematorium, breaking down completely all you could hear were my sobs reverberating around the room, that is understandable, considering the circumstances but it seemed to open the floodgates further.
As grief engulfed me, crying became a part of me, and I dealt with it in an angry way blaming others and pushing away those who tried to help, it also became my answer to everything because if I cried I was dealing with it, how crazy is that, the saying “better out than in” doesn’t make sense, yes the tears were falling but was filling up with something else that tears couldn’t release.
Sitting alone in the dark smoking and crying became the norm, and every morning having to do a repair job so it didn’t look like I’d spent the evening crying, that also made me want to cry and increased the anxiety ten fold, you try to fight it, but it always wins, now looking back I’d have made a fortune if I had shares in kleenex!
Then came this second breakdown,grief, bullying at work all contributors, then suddenly I couldn’t cry, I’d want to but the tears wouldn’t fall, there was just numbing inertia, I couldn’t conjure up any emotion about anything I was literally the living dead, well I’ve written all about that, no need to revisit.
So to the last time I really cried was back at the end of November when events overtook me again,well cry was an understatement, huge wracking sobs, almost howling at some points my body twisting and turning with each tear that fell, you know that choking feeling you get and the little air bubbles forming on your lips, your nose running like a river, I could feel my face swelling as the salt ate into my skin, breathing in but unable to breathe out, anyone that has cried knows that feeling and I just couldn’t stop.
You see I wasn’t just crying about what happened that day, but for all the years I’ve had this bloody thing that threatens every time I have a set back, and for all the times I didn’t seek release in crying, you know letting it all out.
I don’t have a problem with crying but want to for different reasons, because I’ve seen a sad movie/or read a great story, out of compassion, I want to cry with tears of laughter, not because of frustration anger or fear.