From a child I’d always been a good sleeper , I could sleep up to 16hrs at a time right up to my early 30’s it just wasn’t an issue until I began to feel the pressure of work and stress took over, at first it was every now and then and as time passed I couldn’t sleep through a whole night, basically not being able to switch off.
I’m a person who needs sleep, it’s the one thing that keeps me going and having gone through 2 breakdowns, and all the lovely surprises that come with it, I’d say I haven’t had a full nights sleep for about 6 years.
During the height of said breakdowns day became night and vice versa, and I haven’t been really able to break the habit, even though now I have a more regular routine a decent nights sleep still eludes me.
For example during depression I was up for sometimes days to the point of having hallucinations, then suddenly crashing, however that is not real restful sleep, just the body pulling the plug, of course doctors want to give you sleeping pills, which for me don’t have the desired effect because if I did sleep it was so heavy, that I felt crappy for the rest of the day or sometimes it just made me hyper, so no sleep for me, obviously the black dog was there to further mess with my mind.
Staying up all night watching TV didn’t help well I didn’t exactly watch it, it was on 24/7 and I’d have breaks in between being online, so my mind never really shut down and relaxed, it got to a point where I wasn’t even sleeping in my bed, I lived on the sofa only moving when necessary, amazing how small my life became, sofa, table, lap top, remotes, ciggies, ashtray, bottle of water, lights on, curtains drawn, that was the sum total of my existence!
I got out of the habit of sleeping well, and I’ve tried developing a bedtime routine which usually works for one or two nights, then back to the old routine, it’s a back and forth game like a cracked record and I seem unable to keep it going.
The stress this puts me under during the day times plays havoc with work as I then want to sleep when I should be working and the lethargy takes over and I’m fit for nothing, especially over the weekend which is our busiest time, by the end of the day my head hurts my body seems to seize and my ankles swell like balloons not to mention itch eyes which then serve to make me look eternally tired added with the dark circles to complete the panda look.
The last 2 days at work have been really stressful not only just being busy but there was other stuff going on and I could feel I wasn’t reacting well to the added stress, so add grumpy and snappy to the list, at one point yesterday I felt quite tearful and started to shake a bit, and when your sleep deprived it just magnifies by a 1000%, cue a few intrusive thoughts, talking to myself (and being heard) which only increased my anxiety.
I know it’s probably just the last few months catching up(I keep saying this) but feel there is something else going on, being a diabetic will induce tiredness especially if my sugar drop, but it’s easily corrected, then late last night searching in the web, I found that menopause can bring about or worsen symptoms as well as bring on depressive episodes, so I’ll need to make an appointment soon and get checked out, I’d almost give anything for a really good nights sleep.