I can’t pinpoint when I began to be afraid of everyday things, I just always seemed to be a huge mass of worry, and I’d worry anything to death cue slightly obsessive behaviour over just the tiniest sign of something going wrong.
I used to spend hours literally hours going over an event in the minutest detail each scenario bringing a different and darker outcome, even worse once the rain of thought started I couldn’t switch it off.
It was scary and it carried over into my job sometimes my poor assitant would look at me like I’d gone nuts, but I couldn’t explain why this had to be done/found right this instant, it would bring me to the verge of tears, you know that horrible feeling when you know your being unreasonable but project it out to everyone else, to take the attention away from you it’s easier to make everyone else feel crappy.
Then to make sure I was always in control I developed rituals, I used to commute to London so had to be on the train at 7.03am which meant I had to get up at 5.30, to shower get dressed, recheck my bad which I’d already organised the night before, I had to leave at exactly 6.35am walking on the same side of the road crossing at the same point, I stood at the same spot on the platform, sitting on the same seat for the journey in, if anything altered that routine I literally wasn’t fit for purpose then doing the same routine the next but only starting earlier to make sure all went smoothly. (bloody exhausting)
Just to let you know I hate being late and feared that if I was late everything would all go wrong, I had my coffee at the same place and only liked to be served by certain staff members, if they were off I wouldn’t have coffee, which gave me something else to obsess about round and round it went each day bringing a new fear and another day on the verge of frustrated tears.
It’s odd when I was diagnosed, the ritual behaviour stopped and only surfaces now when under extreme stress, and with it comes the all consuming explosive unreasonable anger, sometimes I thought I’d burst if I didn’t release it.
I loathe not being in control of my emotions simply because you never know when they’re going to overcome you and importantly where and the direction, that’s so scary because it’s like standing outside of myself telling me to stop but can’t, then after that raw feeling that leaves you empty only to filled with more fears, obsessions/rituals always trying to keep the beast at bay and not being very successful.
Thankfully I’m not plagued with so many fears and am able to keep them under control unless stressed, I did try writing lists but found them tyrannical as they were a constant reminder that I wasn’t in control, instead I have my quiet time sitting down relaxing can give you a whole new perspective on daily events and it calms me, writing here too gives me the space to write about my feeling in a constructive way, thank god for blogging!