Addictive Depression

tumblr_m17o8dM4Uj1qjporqo1_500I happened upon this article today

There seems to be a plethora of reasons as to why people are depressed and what continues to trigger it, the author like most of us agree is an illness, however as I thought about some more this afternoon I began to wonder if it wasn’t somewhere in the middle.

I think I’ve mentioned in other blogs when the negative feelings begin to surface, I do feel like I take refuge in that dark place, why because I repeat the behaviours over and over, what starts as just feeling a little down, “snapping out of it” doesn’t seem to be the option.

this will sound weird but I feel as though there is some force calling me back into the fold and I am a willing hostage of that, it’s easy to fall back into those patterns of apathy and negativity, self loathing, seems sometimes I’m only half a step away and other times it’s a yawning chasm, so I wonder what makes me go back.

I never relish those dark episodes when it consumes me, but there is a kind macabre comfort in that place, obviously I don’t want to feel like this and it takes almost super human strength tho pull out of it, which is my greatest fear that if I succumb to it again I won’t escape it will be just easier to stay put.

This is why I don’t like it when doctors just medicate you(I know in many cases it’s necessary) however my fear of becoming addicted to antidepressants is what tends to prolong my episodes, but just feel that in many ways it’s just another thing I don’t need besides the fact they make me feel like I’m wading through treacle, my senses already dulled it’s akin to trying to cut something with a blunt knife, a lot of effort for very little progress(if that makes sense).

I think I’ve conditioned myself to certain behaviours and it’s difficult to break those patterns as they manifest differently every time and also for different reasons and these patterns are the ones that I need to break(which I have to a point) I still believe depression is an illness, but can see why there are perhaps addictive traits.

About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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6 Responses to Addictive Depression

  1. I think this is also about comfort in what is known (depression) versus the discomfort of considering “what would my life be like without ________ ” (depression, anger, fill in the blank!).

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  2. Cat says:

    Reading this reminded of when my depression was at its worse and I went for professional help about 3 years ago. What made me go was this realisation that I didn’t want to get better, not if it meant re-joining all the crap again. I think it is easy to be comfortable in the familiar, even if that familiar is so negative.

    Antidepressants are not for everyone and you’re better without, if you can manage. What upsets me the most with meds is how the drug companies downplay the addictiveness. It is not a mental addiction, but they are difficult to wean off. If I knew how difficult, I’m not sure I would’ve tried them

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    • Once I stopped taking them and went through the withdrawal, I can’t say I mentally felt better, but certainly physically I did.


      • Cat says:

        The mentally part might take a little longer, maybe 7-10days, unfortunately. Be kind to yourself. Nurse yourself through it and try not to beat yourself up, most of us have done it 😉

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      • This was a couple of years ago, it kind of kick started my recovery, though never again, we need ongoing support, not just to be medicated, it doesn’t go away and when you read the side effects, it can sometimes make you much worse.

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