I beginning to think that being single is some terrible crime, again today I was asked what I’ll be doing tomorrow and before I had a chance to reply, the comment was “Oh I forgot your single” I replied that I was and what of it, no reply just that look you get when people think your being defensive which of course I am, only to be expected when asinine comments directed at you.
In former times days like this I felt were mocking me, not only was I in hell, but didn’t have anyone to share it with except my demons and they were playing a different kind of game, I had a date that lasted 2 long years with my insidious captor.(his name depression)
I know this all sounds very bitter, but I do find this love fest quite strange and I’m removed from it because I’m not at the stage where I think I can’t start forming relationships of the romantic kind.
When your senses have taken such a hammering, people have to understand your dead inside and it takes a very longtime to emerge from your cocoon, I’m managing other areas of my life quite well, some areas are still up in the air, but I cannot cope with romance as nice as it might be, but the thought leaves me cold.
I’m not lonely or yearning to live in a chocolate box world, I need to use this time to get to know me again and understand feelings that have long consigned to the negative box and each piece has to be removed and re-examined by me before I can move on.
I just feel when people put this kind of pressure on you by making you feel that you don’t fit is another form of discrimination, “your over it now, so get out there and find someone” it’s not that easy, it will take someone who has a understanding view of the world, and who will accept me for who I am, not withstanding my compulsive need to clamp my mask on whenever I meet new people especially when I have to give something of myself, I get anxious and pull the draw bridge up, not really a recipe for success.
So yes I won’t be celebrating valentines, but continue to celebrate how far I’ve come in recovery despite the glitches along the way.
I remain for now happily single.