Over many years I’ve felt a tremendous guilt over the many hurdles I’ve face, I think also because I have an outwardly confident exterior, it clouds even to me what’ has really been going on.
If I’m honest I never really felt that I deserved anything I don’t know why, it’s a feeling that has always been with me, this is probably why I put so much energy into over achievement trying to hide what my inadequacies are.
Guilt has coloured much of how I view the world, it’s silly I cannot solve everyone’s problems least of all my own though still feel bad if I cannot effect change, it’s a vicious circle of pointlessness.
Breakdowns aside, I was bullied at work several years ago and though I was the victim the feeling still lingers that somehow I was to blame, and feel guilty for not speaking up earlier, the eventual slide down the employment ladder started there, and I was unable to work in my chosen field, and I feel guilty about giving up so easily.
Debt and homelessness, these thing don’t just happen, I did have a hand in it, I can say that depression was a pretty big reason as to why I gave up on life there for a while, there is no one to blame except myself and I don’t think the weight of guilt will leave me for a long time.
When my mother died back in 2003 I still feel the raw grief and terrible guilt because I hadn’t visited for a while, although we talked the day before she died, but I was too wrapped up in my own problems to pay attention and that’s time I can never get back, even worse I knew when talking to her something is wrong, I had an uneasy feeling for the rest of the night, so when the phone call came the next day and heard my brother’s voice it was like a body blow he didn’t even have to say anything.
Just lately I’ve been thinking I have to let myself of the hook, one person cannot be responsible for so many things and it’s like wearing a hair shirt.
I started this year by wanting to change my thinking about how I resolve and achieve balance in my life and guilt has got to go, I can no longer accept it as a reason no to move forward.
It’s often said that you have to “own” your mistakes, well I think I’ve paid the price in a myriad of ways, but to continue you paying for something that never had any value in the first place is a lesson in futility.
My mistakes are many depression/mental health issues are re-gifted every now and again, it is not the norm in my life now, and beating myself up to the point of madness is not.
As I want to live my life without the residual trappings of guilt, I give myself permission to accept responsibility for the challenges yet to come but no longer feel guilty if it doesn’t go according to plan, I’m just a woman trying to make sense of my own world and cannot invest in absorbing what I cannot change.