Responsible Guilt!

 

guilt-trip

Over many years I’ve felt a tremendous guilt over the many hurdles I’ve face, I think also because I have an outwardly confident exterior, it clouds even to me what’ has really been going on.

If I’m honest I never really felt that I deserved anything I don’t know why, it’s a feeling that has always been with me, this is probably why  I put so much energy into over achievement trying to hide what my inadequacies are.

Guilt has coloured much of how I view the world, it’s silly I cannot solve everyone’s problems least of all my own though still feel bad if I cannot effect change, it’s a vicious circle of pointlessness.

Breakdowns aside, I was bullied at work several years ago and though I was the victim the feeling still lingers that somehow I was to blame, and feel guilty for not speaking up earlier, the eventual slide down the employment ladder started there, and I was unable to work in my chosen field, and I feel guilty about giving up so easily.

Debt and homelessness, these thing don’t just happen, I did have a hand in it, I can say that depression was a pretty big reason as to why I gave up on life there for a while, there is no one to blame except myself and I don’t think the weight of guilt will leave me for a long time.

When my mother died back in 2003 I still feel the raw grief and terrible guilt because I hadn’t visited for a while, although we talked the day before she died, but I was too wrapped up in my own problems to pay attention and that’s time I can never get back, even worse I knew when talking to her something is wrong, I had an uneasy feeling for the rest of the night, so when the phone call came the next day and heard my brother’s voice it was like a body blow he didn’t even have to say anything.

Just lately I’ve been thinking I have to let myself of the hook, one person cannot be responsible for so many things and it’s like wearing a hair shirt.

images21I cannot change what has happened in my life, but I can try to look at it objectively draw a line under it and let go of the guilt that I’ve wrapped it up in.

I started this year by wanting to change my thinking about how I resolve and achieve balance in my life and guilt has got to go, I can no longer accept it as a reason no to move forward.

It’s often said that you have to “own” your mistakes, well I think I’ve paid the price in a myriad of ways, but to continue you paying for something that never had any value in the first place is a lesson in futility.

My mistakes are many depression/mental health issues are re-gifted every now and again, it is not the norm in my life now, and beating myself up to the point of madness is not.

As I want to live my life without the residual trappings of guilt, I give myself permission to accept responsibility for the challenges yet to come but no longer feel guilty if it doesn’t go according to plan, I’m just a woman trying to make sense of my own world and cannot invest in absorbing what I cannot change.

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About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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4 Responses to Responsible Guilt!

  1. Hope Turner says:

    Guilt does none of us any good. I know how it feels to feel ‘guilty’ for things that were out of your control or done TO you. I always gain such a new perspective when I read your posts…they are always so helpful to me. I’m right behind ya. Hugs, Hope

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Your comment about feeling as though you don’t deserve anythng is totally me too… I don’t take compliments well… I feel awkward if someone says “good job” because as far as I was concerned, I was only doing the job I was asked to do LOL And why would I *not* do a good job? I can be very logical sometimes and I think it’s highly illogical to praise someone for a job well done when that’s exactly what they should have done anyway LOL

    (I do say it though but I tend to say it when I can see they’ve taken some care and pride in their work.)

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