Me & My Shadow

9b0489a5f7b3ab4bc0fe6cd058ae6d06This is my first post for

I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2015 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”

Often when I think about depression, it’s as though there is another me that this is happening to, my shadow if you will.

Looking back over my life and examining the triggers that send me to the very edges of my mind, it’s hard to reconcile that with the person i see in the mirror every day, I don’t know her, it’s certainly not the view that I have of myself, it’s the other person this is happening to.

When after years realisation hit that the erratic behaviour was something darker than just stress, I have to admit I was scared, you people like me don’t get depressed, surely that’s an illness for people who have nothing to occupy their time, or their just crazy, yes I was one of those that looked on in scorn at people who couldn’t cope.

Yet when the first crash came I couldn’t talk about it to anyone, I was embarrassed and tried to brush it of as a little blip a few weeks on holiday would change that, but of course it doesn’t, even without knowing it you start to suppress your feelings and find other ways to cope, with me it was work that I used to fill the void, and it worked to for the longest time, whilst piece by piece I was breaking down inside.

Life goes on and I kept stuffing the bad stuff into the pressure cooker hardly realising that it took longer and longer to push it down and the fits of anger meant I literally wasn’t keeping a lid on it all, but I didn’t know that, I even went to counsellor’s blaming it on pressures of work refusing to talk about me and what was bubbling up in the pot, to be truthful I wouldn’t have been able to put a name to it anyway, I did know that I was afraid but of what I couldn’t say.

The second crash came and I took more notice as it was affecting my work in addition I was dealing with bullying in the workplace, and just under pressure, my health in general began to fail, I always had colds, my skin broke out and the tiredness, well put it this way sleep became a luxury, but still I fought it all with stubbornness, again ignoring advice to take things easier, seek help, I still didn’t believe this was happening to me.

The last and final crash was the worst I won’t get into here my previous posts go over that, I nearly went over the edge, and somehow I hung on , it was a last stand to recovery, which is an even rockier road to traverse, but each day I try to that is a positive, small victories are what I aim for and pass off bad days as just that.

The stigma that surrounds mental health is a tough one to crack, as people are conditioned to seeing it something to be avoided and only talked about in whispers, they don’t see the sheer courage it takes to come out and say I have Mental Health problems and I need help and ongoing support not avoidance, it’s everyone’s problem and making it taboo only drives this life changing illness further underground.bfmh15-4-copy

About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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6 Responses to Me & My Shadow

  1. Very well (and bravely) said. You’re truly an inspiration.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Cat says:

    Great pledge post… shared it on twitter…look forward to reading future posts 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: The Rabbit Hole | The Official Blog For Mental Health Project

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