“It’s got to be better than this”
Unfortunately when in the grip of mental illness, we are our own worst critics, take it a step further we beat ourselves over the head constantly with our anxieties never believing that we are worthy.
Well we do matter and it’s important to realise that whether were in the midst of our illness or in recovery, we need to be kind to ourselves first.
I played the personal blame game for so it became second nature, well I’m not to blame for everything and can only take responsibility for my own actions, though I still try not to feel guilty about that.
I no longer beat myself up for not being perfect, I’m not, and realising that I was just a woman with flaws, made me look human in my eyes.
Every tiny victory that I have I grab it and put it in my victory jar, that means to me that each day I face the world and can take something positive from it.
I try to find solutions and not add to my problems, and by changing my thought process I’m much clearer and tend not to panic so much and best of all I’ve given up writing lists, being a slave to my lists was like carrying around tyranny in my handbag, and I felt like a failure if I didn’t complete.
I no longer over commit and do say no, and it feels good to do so, though sometimes there is some residual guilt.
I’m quite an organised person by nature and a clock watcher and cannot bear to be late, that could ruin my whole day, and stopped wearing a watch, that was the same tyranny as the lists, I still organise my day and have a routine, but only do what needs to be done, if I have time to do others things then I will and as Scarlet says “tomorrow is another day”
I try to listen to my internal dialogue, and instead of forcing myself to do things I won’t really enjoy I’ll pull back and think of another way or on occasion just walk away.
The kindness that I show to others I try to give to me, we all matter, but I’m no good to anyone if I’m unable to face the challenge of whatever people/work/life brings, and better yet I don’t beat myself up over that either.
None of the above is easy or even doable on a daily basis, I’m mindful of my personal limits and expectations, with so long spent in the dark and having to learn to live again means that I’m not eaten up by my fears.
I believe that I am more than my mental illness, I’ve seen the other option and I prefer this.