Even with my new-found attitude to life,which will take time to kick in, as we know Rome wasn’t built-in a day, with moving forward at a snail’s pace I often think about what were my passions in former times.
I’ll try to explain, I don’t ever think I felt passionate about anything, oh I would have enthusiasms which never seemed to last long, but nothing enduring which is quite sad.
A friend said I was passionate about work, laughing I replied that being a workaholic is not a passion it’s the gateway to stress and depression well it was that way for me, and that I’ve now discovered is no way to live your life, balance is the key, but I want passion not short-lived hobbies which rarely serve to make you feel better.
In looking at different areas of my life and what has/is lacking it makes me sad to know that so much energy has been given over to breakdowns-recovery breakdown-recovery I’m now on an upward swing with a better life plan in place, I need to have something that moves me, not to fill that small empty space that still exists, but to give me a zest for something different outside of working my back to mental wellness.
Films and books have always been my saviours in terms of escapism, I’ve never really been one for hobbies, or I start them but rarely complete, my one time attic was testament to broken enthusiasms.
Perhaps I’m asking too much, I feel the need now to be so much more than my depression, it just seemed to rob me of the ability to enjoy things as I would like, to be honest I’m probably a bit scared of taking up something new, so this will be another hurdle to jump over and learn to develop skills required to find something that is just for me.
I want to stop existing and start living.