Just to digress for a bit, Mental Health concerns is a topic that just keeps giving, sometimes I wonder if I focus too much on it, and maybe that’s why at times I have trouble moving forwards as I replay it over and over, it is such a large part of my life and has taken a lot from me and I’ve had to fight very hard to bring back stability into my life.
Which now brings me to denial I’m now quite shocked at the capacity for denial that I built up over the last few years, I can’t quite believe how I managed to convince myself that nothing was wrong, that heaped on guilt/disappointment/self loathing/low self-esteem/lack of confidence/it’s my fault/what if’s/shame, even though I had cracked it’s a wonder I didn’t snap in two with the weight of it all, much less put myself together again.
Once you bring it out into the open, and let me say I had my own stigma about my condition, that really had nothing to do with the outside world’s lack of awareness, but once you do admit there is a problem the healing can begin, for me it began another process of being more honest, in that I mean not keeping my feelings bottled up it was like taking my thumb out of the dyke, and all the other stuff came tumbling out, a lot of it didn’t make sense but there were somethings that really couldn’t be denied any longer.
When I came back to blogging last September, one reason was just to get everything down, and to share my own experiences with others with the vague notion it might help, never really imagining that I would reveal quite so much about my life to strangers(not strangers now I say happily) nor did I think there would be any consequences, well there have been a few.
Firstly when I write it is not with the aim to point fingers and blame, although I do write about characteristics about the people around me, and with one or two I doubt very much that they would recognise themselves in my words, though I have found that the half-dozen or so I let read some of the pages, were a little offended as they felt that they helped more than others, it’s not about the quantity of support but about the quality and those who have stuck by me through thick and thin.
Another aspect was one in particular wanted to be mentioned, now I don’t use names on here, but I’m not running a popularity contest, I’m attempting to archive an area of my life that had broken down and the blog is primarily for me, yes it is public, but the point that’s being missed I’m in a community with people who have gone through similar in varying degrees.
Sometimes I feel that some of the people around me are not exactly happy that I write, and not really understanding my need for it, my need to be more honest in my life, helps me to keep going forwards, to forge new ways of finding the happiness that still eludes me, I’m not there yet and need to get there but I have to do it in my own way, their support is invaluable but I’m no longer in the mindset of being a people pleaser, I’m a me pleaser (can I put it that way lol).
If other think they recognise themselves in what I write, that is on them or perhaps they’re in denial anyway my motives are pure, this is my little part of the web and I think I should be able to say what I like without fear of censure, no one has to agree or like what I write that is their prerogative,and it is my life and only I can tell my story the way it is.