This week has been challenging to say the least, I made a huge desicion last week which I don’t regret, but have no plan B.
I have a few Ideas, though not really viable, so I’m left grabbing at air, which as you can imagine is scary, and I’m still essentially homeless.
Tomorrow I begin again, usually I would give yup at this point, however keeping in mind the goals I’ve set this year, keeps me focused, mentally, although I have wobbles I’m holding up.
What I found is though I have a good network, I seem to want to go it alone this time, I’m not sure that’s the way to go, but feel that sometimes you can rely to heavily on others and forget how to use your own survival skills, no matter how limited they might be.
I will add that I learned this lesson a few days ago when a friend reminded me they don’t have any duty towards me, that hurt a lot, however in retrospect they are right, and with a little questioning I found they had several serious worries of their own, which I didn’t notice.
Of course I felt terrible, I have been wrapped up in my own world for so long I didn’t fully appreciate, that my friends have problems too, this has been addressed apologies made,plus a long chat, and we’ve now given each other the space to deal with our respective problems, but with a phone call each week to update.
I don’t mind much being alone I’ve got used to it over the years, I hasten to add it’s not the stark loneliness that depression brings, it’s just alone which feels different somehow, I know there are friends there to catch me if I fall, though now I’m aware that I’m my own safety net.
Tomorrow is a new day, there is lots to be done, and I will find a way.