I had a call from Emmaus today, about whether I had come to a final decision as to whether I’ll join their organisation.
I did feel a little pressured, and on the other hand I don’t want to be the reason someone else loses out on being housed as you can imagine with an organisation like this, most are usually street homeless or sometimes are referred from other parts of the country so dragging my feet isn’t really an option.
On the one hand it will solve my housing needs, in that I will not be homeless, I’m flat sitting presently which ends tomorrow, I could probably eke it out for another week or so, but I’d still be back at square one.
The main reason I’m not totally sold as an option for me, is that I’ll lose my autonomy, in as much as I can only work for them 40hrs per week, I freelance and do okay, I can always do with more money, however with Emmaus they pay the companions £35.00 per week I earn a lot more than that, but with it comes accommodation, subsidised by housing benefit, which currently I don’t use although entitled to some state help, I prefer not to.
I really enjoy my freelance work and it’s taken me a long time to get it all together, and not something I can lose even as a temporary measure, and it’s the one area of my life that’s reasonably stable, and an anchor which I’m loathe to give up.
When talking to the counsellor today, I explained that I don’t want to make a decision out of desperation, then find I’m not suited to what they offer, she was very understanding and said that’s why they have offered me the guest room for a few days to give me a chance to assess whether this could work for me, which I appreciated, so tomorrow I sign in at 11am for a trial period, and by the end of the week I’ll have made a decision one way or the other.
In making efforts to change my thinking, I’ve hit a bit of a stumbling block, they’re not written in stone therfore I have flexibility , though within the framework I don’t want to veer to far off my plans, that I have to keep making new ones to get to where I want to be.
I’m not explaining myself very well, you see many of the choices I’m making right now, are bourne from the old thought processes which are comfortable, safe, I do need a safety net, but at the end of the day I don’t want to compromise too much with the small successes I have which can be built on and will take a while, however breathing space seems like a good option too.
Anyway I’ll wait and see what the next few days bring and take it from there, I’m looking forward to this chance, but bottom line I’m scared stiff.