Miles Before I Sleep

sad-lonely-alone-boy-walking-in-rain-with-umbrella-in-hand-photo-t1A few days ago having a chat with a colleague, we were talking about depression etc, and she is one of these that thinks that just because your “a little down” you shouldn’t let it become your lifestyle! that was the word she used “lifestyle” I hastened to explain, there was nothing stylish about it all, and furthermore it’s not something you seek, like something you pick up at the shops.

I decided it was best to remain silent from this point, because there is no point in trying to open a mind which is locked up tighter than Fort Knox.  I let her words wash over me for a while then was brought back to the present with a jerk as she calmly explained that most people she knew thought I was mad.

I just stared as she nodded, so I asked where did they get that idea, her reply was this, that firstly I’ve always got my nose in a book that makes me lose touch with reality!!!!!

I’m intelligent and by thinking too much somehow I’ve over heated my brain, which also makes you lose touch with reality, by this stage I was opened mouthed with amazement, that anybody could be that dense.

Oh and the final thing was that people see me walking around town with my head down talking to myself, a sure sign of not being quite right in the head she said with that kind of smirking satisfaction that she was right.

It brought a Mark Twain quote to mind: Never argue with a fool because they beat you with experience.

It wasn’t until later that anger crept in, “how dare they” but in truth they weren’t know I was ill and yes my behaviour was very erratic at times, though gods knows what they’d think if they saw me when I’d reached the nadir of my illness when everything is black and you have no hope.

They saw me when I’d started to emerge from my depressive exile and was working hard to get better, and yes I did used to take long walks all over the town, they only saw me in daylight hours, thank god they didn’t see me at night, I’d have been whisked off to the nearest funny farm, walking had a very calming effect on me, so it was worthwhile.

Talking to myself is something I’ve always done, I don’t notice it until someone answers me, but is that a sign of madness talking out loud, I think talking to the ignorant would have a far worse effect on my psyche and again the calming effect it had on me, simply because I didn’t always have others to discuss what going on with me.

She tried again yesterday to broach the subject and I cut her off, she would never understand so I’ll leave them with their ill-informed thoughts, I seek or need their brand of judgement, for me it’s enough that I’ve now formulated my own plans back not only to be stronger mentally, not to be homeless and on a better financial footing.

I’m also pleased that with the new attitude of changing my thinking I won’t let others drag me down, I’ve got a life to live.

Today’s positive: Embracing change and feeling good about myself.

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About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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9 Responses to Miles Before I Sleep

  1. littleannab says:

    People who have never been in that dark place or live with depression just don’t understand. I fight it every day. ((Hugss))
    Oh and i talk to myself all the time. Everyone asks are you talking to yourself. And i say yep. They say well as long as you don’t answer yourself your ok. And i tell them of course i answer myself. Screw them. Lol.

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  2. absolutecynic says:

    I know how you feel with people at work. I overheard my boss tell a new employee that issues such as depression weren’t ‘relevant’ when we have to give evidence of medical issues etc. I was really annoyed. Truth is, there’s still a lot of naive judgement about it and finding someone to open up to that will take you seriously is incredibly hard.
    Just ignore them and don’t let it get you down, their loss for not understanding you! 🙂

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    • I get that, it was just the assunption made, that I wasn’t all there that irritated me, the stigma will always abound about mental health issues, because it’s still seen by many as an indulgence.

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  3. I don’t trust anyone who claims they don’t talk to themselves. That’s just not right!

    And OMG I love walking at night! Can’t wait until my littlest one is less needy at night so I can take regular solo walks in the evenings without stressing her out too much.

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  4. I would’ve been sorely tempted to say something like “I’d far rather be mad than ignorant and judgemental” but she probably wouldn’t have understood LOL

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