Just A Single Thought

I-thoughtthat-i-thoughtAdhering to my mission statement A Life Worth Living I’ve had a very busy couple of days, you could say reasonably successful, and last night when I went to bed and reflecting that life was pretty good in general.

Well my dreams were not quite as positive, all I dream’t about was being trapped behind  glass watching the world go by and there I was behind this glass screaming to be let free, you know why because I had a single thought that what if what I was trying to achieve didn’t work out!

Just one single thought of doubt, turned into a maelstrom of negativity, everything attaching itself to the host thought and none of it could, the underlying message being “can I do this” it brought me out in a cold sweat as my insecurities came running up the hill to greet me I woke up at this pointing gasping for air, an anxiety attack at 4.17am, this I didn’t need.

I made some tea lit one of my many ciggies of the day and tried to calm down, though the thoughts swirling around as I went over the last few days with a toothpick trying to find the inevitable flaws that would spell failure, and in my anxious state it was expected to find something however miniscule and they cycle begins again.

I found nothing, well nothing that would warrant me at this point changing my thinking, as calm descended on me I realised, that my mindset was still focused on what will go wrong, and therefore manifested itself in my dreams.

This what depression does to you, it’s like every time you take steps forward it’s there to pull you right back into its huge paws of misery, it almost had me, when I was sleeping too, such a bad boy.

I did go back to sleep and slept well, I checked my mission again and was happy with what I set out to do, and with what I’d done so far to go forward.

I can only speculate that doing so much this week, which did make me anxious, which is not surprising I’ve had to open up to a new set of people, which was really difficult and of course preparing for that look when you mention mental illness, you brace yourself for the blow of judgement which I’m happy to say never came but the stigma will always linger.

Letting my guard down doesn’t come easy, my mind is always screaming “protect yourself” which is not always possible to do and  as I continue with the changes hopefully my anxiety will lessen and my sleep will be dreamless.

Today’s Positive: Not allowing bad thoughts overtake me.

About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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4 Responses to Just A Single Thought

  1. Bluesander says:

    I love that you’re growing and reflecting on everything happening to you. I am trying to do the same. Nothing gives me a greater boost of energy than writing all my thoughts and feelings down, accepting them, and coming out of it filled with hope.
    I am addicted to hope.
    And I believe in your positivism.

    Liked by 1 person

    • thanks for commenting and following

      I’m trying to make changes, for the better, and reflection pays a big part, nothing will happen overnight, so nothing ventured nothing gained. So much of my life in recent years has been given over to depression and other problems, so things need to change.


  2. It is so true, how your mind can go back and try sabotage what you have accomplished. Unfortunately, my depression did lead to unemployment, and eventually disability.


    • I’m in a better place today, but will have to be mindful.

      When you cannot work due to depressive episodes, in some ways it can make the situation worse, because we need to be able to do something to keep fuctioning on some level, sorry to read it lead to loss of work and disability.


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