Adhering to my mission statement A Life Worth Living I’ve had a very busy couple of days, you could say reasonably successful, and last night when I went to bed and reflecting that life was pretty good in general.
Well my dreams were not quite as positive, all I dream’t about was being trapped behind glass watching the world go by and there I was behind this glass screaming to be let free, you know why because I had a single thought that what if what I was trying to achieve didn’t work out!
Just one single thought of doubt, turned into a maelstrom of negativity, everything attaching itself to the host thought and none of it could, the underlying message being “can I do this” it brought me out in a cold sweat as my insecurities came running up the hill to greet me I woke up at this pointing gasping for air, an anxiety attack at 4.17am, this I didn’t need.
I made some tea lit one of my many ciggies of the day and tried to calm down, though the thoughts swirling around as I went over the last few days with a toothpick trying to find the inevitable flaws that would spell failure, and in my anxious state it was expected to find something however miniscule and they cycle begins again.
I found nothing, well nothing that would warrant me at this point changing my thinking, as calm descended on me I realised, that my mindset was still focused on what will go wrong, and therefore manifested itself in my dreams.
This what depression does to you, it’s like every time you take steps forward it’s there to pull you right back into its huge paws of misery, it almost had me, when I was sleeping too, such a bad boy.
I did go back to sleep and slept well, I checked my mission again and was happy with what I set out to do, and with what I’d done so far to go forward.
I can only speculate that doing so much this week, which did make me anxious, which is not surprising I’ve had to open up to a new set of people, which was really difficult and of course preparing for that look when you mention mental illness, you brace yourself for the blow of judgement which I’m happy to say never came but the stigma will always linger.
Letting my guard down doesn’t come easy, my mind is always screaming “protect yourself” which is not always possible to do and as I continue with the changes hopefully my anxiety will lessen and my sleep will be dreamless.
Today’s Positive: Not allowing bad thoughts overtake me.